This is When I Suddenly Realise.

I have seen you for what you are
You are no longer a mystery.
Goodbye, goodbye
You must now leave.

This is it. This is the end to the long silences and the intense stares. When you expose too much you risk over-exposure. And when you're over-exposed it's like you're stripped down half-naked in public, it's a free show for all. And now that borders uncomfortably along the lines of indecent exposure, depending on which half of the body you prefer to think is naked.

Sometimes I think I need bigger eyes, to really look at things for what they are in reality, and not past them to something beyond that doesn't really reflect the truth.

This part of my life is called bad judgment.

Sick Sad Little World.

Something is wrong with the world when at any point in time in your cosy circle of close friends you have more sad friends than happy ones.



Recently the number of sad friends in my cosy circle has been increasing. And it's heartwrenching that when we meet up, they do such a good job of keeping their feelings under wraps, their faces straight or even smiling, such that I can't seem to detect the possible undercurrents of sadness that they might be feeling inside. Which makes me feel quite lousy when I find out after that they'd been putting up brave fronts. I admire them because they're considerate about other people around them which makes me love them even more because they must be feeling very crappy inside. ): My lovely friends deserve better.



"If I had one ray of sunlight to hold in my hand
Maybe we can be happy again."



Rachie sent me this Phantom Planet song while we were in J1 if I remember correctly. And I think of her when I listen to it. She's currently in Australia, and feeling unwell. ): At times like this I am helpless, and all I can do is to tell her to drink more water and get sufficient sleep, which is hardly any comfort. It must be hard on her, and all I can take comfort in is that at least there is the Beng to take care of her. She's coming back on 30th June, which is about one month from now, and I am looking forward to that. The last time she came back for a period of two months we only met like what, 3 times? I know it was so silly.



Previously, on Tuesday I went cycling with Yanni at Sentosa in a weak attempt to take her mind off stuff. I realised cycling is an activity that allows you think more about stuff. My bad. Although she said she had fun at the end of the day, it still made me feel kinda bad, especially after I read what she wrote, that she was actually hurting a lot inside. She is silently resilient like that. What she wrote made me face up to the fact that perhaps our friendship needed a bit of tweaking and repairing. I'm going to work on it because after all like she said, 十三年半的友情绝对不是蓋的。I don't even know what the second last character means, but I figured it probably translates to something like, thirteen and a half years of friendship definitely is for real. (Enlightenment anyone?) Sometimes, the way I look at this relationship, we are like a married couple with kids, and we know that the other one is around at close proximity, but we just don't see that need to reach out to each other. Yanni is my oldest friend, and I have known her for more than half my life, and all I know is that I have to be there for her.



Anita, the one who has the world on her shoulders to bear. Some time back, I had the revelation that she's the strongest person I ever knew. Don't be fooled by her whiny antics and her ah lian appearance. I think most people don't have an inkling of the things she has to go through. It's pretty amazing how she does it, and I know that she's not getting much help. From Anita I learnt that things happen when they want to, and all you can do is to face them head on. By the strength that she thinks she does not have, I am secretly inspired, because in obscure and strange ways, I see it in her. Some of you must be thinking, "What can Anita possibly be going through? I've been through much worse in MY life." This is where some of you may be wrong. Or this might be where I am wrong to think that most of you couldn't have been through what Anita is having to go through right now. But from what I know, Anita deserves much, much better. Salute, and a big pat on the back for her!



Went out with jiawen, poon and evey last Saturday. Jiawen was her usual crappy and crazy self. I swear being with them brings out the noisy side of me. Well, YES I AM USUALLY QUIET and I will push you to the ground if you disagree. So anyway, I think jiawen was probably troubled over certain stuff, but the way she carried herself that night was admirable. She was positively sprightly, and proactive, trying to secure every chance she has to achieve what she wanted. I know whatever she's going through must be disheartening, I know for sure that if it happened to me I'll lock myself in the room and sleep for one whole week before I come to terms with it, but that's not jiawen to mope about. I know we don't meet up very often, but I enjoy every moment that we do.



Have been meeting up with skippy a few times, and this lamo never fails to make me laugh each time. She doesn't wear her hurt on her face, and is forever making lame jokes that I lamely laugh at. Haha. I know. It's a certain vibe cultivated by 7 years of friendship that runs through the 9pees. I still think it's pretty amazing really. With skippy it's not easy to convince her that she can do better than that. But in reality we all think that she can, and we are sometimes exasperated because we can't seem to successfully put that across to her. I think that being in TP dance has changed her tremendously. Skippy doesn't voice out the distress that she is experiencing when she is out with us, neither does she let it affect her and in turn affecting us. Sometimes there are glimmers which hint that she had let down her guard for a moment there, but most of the time they come and go as quickly, and all at once she is looking at you with normalcy on her face again. What I think she needs now is time, a LOT of time. And really skippy, THE NEXT ONE WILL BE BETTER.





Everyone I know can be my greatest inspiration at times.

I've Got the Dreamer's Disease.

I lost track of the number of times I pressed down on the shutter only to miss the lightning.This is when I finally succeed.

You know how sometimes when you say something unkind to someone, and you see that the person actually recoils with with hurt, and all at once you know that you've just said the wrong thing. The recoiling part makes me very uncomfortable, it's as if your words take on a physical form. I didn't think they were being literal when they said "your words dealt him a blow."
I try not to say things which hurt. Unless I'm so close to you that I'm all comfortable when I'm with you, let down my guard, and say things which I don't process beforehand. For which I am sorry, because I definitely wouldn't deliberately hurt anyone I'm close to.

School's starting in a few days, and for some reason I'm feeling nervous about it. I think it's the thought of having to make new friends in tutorial classes all over again. (Now that makes me sound superficial. But I'm pretty comfortable with the friends I made last semester. I hope we can attend lectures and have lunches together.) On second thoughts, I'm sure the nerves come from the thought of the impending workload that is coming my way. (Sounds less superficial now, doesn't it?)

I suspect Yanni's trying to turn me into an Ah Lian because she got me all these blings as my Birthday and Christmas presents. I actually already own the exact same music note pendant, but I stopped wearing it after like about 7 times. But of course I still like it.When she gave it to me it was a pleasant surprise because I saw it as a sign of how well she knew my taste.

I guess some things don't have to be said out loud.

I think my sister predicted my New Year's resolution, thus the watch. Don't you just love siblings who can read your mind? I love it because it's super pretty, and it has bling! And most importantly it somehow serves as a reminder of responsibility. It's some weird waves that I pick up from the watch.
I love my sister and brother-in-law.

That yellow happy thing is actually a tissue box from Melmel. I can't bear to use the tissues from it to blow my nose or to wipe icky things off the table. It's too cute for that. I shall use those tissues to wipe only perfume off my hands in the event that it gets on them in the first place, thus giving me scented tissue which I will put in my bag, which will then make my bag smell good.
The angel is also from Melmel, and it's about the sweetest thing that I ever received. It caused me to tear because it was really touching.
The words read:

"Travelling Angel

Whenever you travel,
be it near of far.
This angel
will guard you
wherever you are."

To me, it's beautiful, like everything else Melmel is.

This is very lovely and meaningful because Jas did it all by herself from scratch! Right from the title, to the groovy layout of the pictures, down to the individual captions. And it charts our growth, and our friendship. I shall proudly display it in the file that I bring to school.
"A picture speaks a thousand words."
These pictures do so much more. They capture memories, and narrate 7 years of invaluable friendship.

Thank you jas, you mean so much to me.

What better way to start the New Year then to do thanksgiving. Of course there's more, but Bessie's calling me to dinner, and my stomach is willing me to go. So go I will, to consume my dinner. It's YongTauFoo Bessie Cooked that I like so much. (:

Oh yes, my bedsheet is lime green.

Of Jolly and Folly

"Everything happens for a reason."

Everybody must know that by now. The sentence certainly did not conjure itself up. There must be a reason why the saying came to be. It happened for a reason. (What profound knowledge I seem to be exhibiting. Look at what the holidays did to my brain.)

I like this photograph for no reason.
(Might mysteriously be the congested traffic.)

So today is officially the last day of 2007, and it is good to do reflections on the last day of each year. And what better way is there to keep track of all your reflections than making a list? Have I mentioned before that I love lists? I do.

So we start with the start, and end with, oh well, a new start.

1. I went through a break up.
Hey, I'm not being a wet blanket here by reminding you about THAT, but it really is the first major thing that happened to me at the start of the year. But hey, I strongly believe I emerged a little wiser from that relationship. Speaking of that, I saw the ex recently, and I did feel the tiny twinge of my heartstrings being tugged ever so slightly. But it was just a tiny twinge, and okay, in all honesty, I'm wondering whether I should drop him a Happy New Year message. But that's for 12 A.M., and when the time comes I'll just see where my spontaneity takes me. (:

Who in the world came up with the term "heartstrings"? I shall coin a new term, like "lungthreads" or "kidneystones". Oh wait, that's not new right. But lungthreads is new, and it shall be used as such: Thinking of him made my lungthreads knot up such that I had difficulty breathing.

2. I managed to secure a place in a local University.
Why, and even now as I type I'm missing school can you believe it. But I know that once the school term starts I'm gonna wish that I was on holiday, and that school never existed, and once the holidays start, I'm gonna wish that I was in school. Argh. Irony likes playing around with people like that. On hindsight, I'm very thankful for this chance to study Literature. I know my grades weren't all that good, and I am so grateful.

3. I almost became religious.
This is the closest I've ever been to an encounter with religion. At that time I really did believe that there was a God, but there was always a "but", always a "but". I don't know which is worse, believing that there is a God, but refusing to accept the teachings in Bible and all that is preached, or refusing to even believe that there is a God at all in the first place.

So in the event that there really is a God, and the day comes where you are hauled up in front of Him for judgment, can you imagine what'd happen?

Scenario A - Man who believes there's a God, but doesn't accept the Bible.
Man: There! I always knew you existed!
God: Good for you, so why didn't you follow my teachings in the Bible?
Man: Urm, that's because I found it full of contradictions, and I honestly didn't believe in life after death, thus negating the need for any kind of salvation to earn myself a place in your kingdom.
God: But you're dead now right, and we're still conversing, so doesn't this constitute life after death? Where do you think those pearly gates you entered led you to?
Man: Uhoh.
*Gets struck down by a bolt of lighting which mysteriously appears from nowhere.*

Scenario B - Man who does not believe in God.
Man: Who are you? What is this place?
God: I am God, the one you did not believe in.
Man: Whoa, cool. So, do I get pardoned for my sins because I didn't know better and commited them out of ignorance?
God: Hmm.. But you do know the existence of the Bible right?
Man: Urm, yeeees... But I've never read it before!
God: Too bad for you then, if you chose not to read it. I always knew free will was a mistake.
Man: Uhoh.
*Gets struck down by a bolt of lightning which mysteriously appears from nowhere.*

I dunno, I guess religion comes in a package. If you believe in God, you have to believe in the Bible. If you believe in Allah, you have to believe in the K'oran. If you believe in Buddha, you have to believe in the.. what, Buddhist scriptures? I-ching? The Buddhist Bible if you must. If you believe in MacDonald you have to believe in the Big Mac, just like how if you believe in Kentucky you have to believe in his fried chicken. (ARGH stop it already.)

No but seriously, I don't know. I don't know a lot of things. You hear so much nowadays that you don't know what to believe in anymore. "The greenhouse effect is a myth. The greenhouse effect is reality. Eating eggs increase your cholesterol level. Cholesterol does not come from eggs. Having 8 hours of sleep each day helps you lose weight. Not sleeping for three days straight helps you lose weight. Ghosts exist. Ghosts don't exist. David Blaine has magic in his fingers. Don't trust those warnings the producers put on saying that no camera tricks were involved. People are essentially born sad. People are essentially born happy. GOSH DON'T YOU JUST HATE CHOICES. There's a lot more we can talk about, but I'm sure you're tired of hearing already.

4. My editing job screwed up my command of the English language.
I can't tell whether it's "its" or "it's" anymore. Is it "the dog wagged it's tail" or "the dog wagged its tail"? Both look correct to me, sadly. "It's tail was injured"? "Its tail was injured"? Raaaaaarrrrr!
This is such a warped world. ):

5. My sister got married. I am officially a sis-in-law.
Wow cool! I've got a married sibling! Not many people I know have got married siblings. I'm eagerly awaiting the day where she gets pregnant and gives birth to a cute baby for me to play with. Ho ho ho. I have been dropping very blatant hints to her about my expectations for the arrival of a niece/nephew, but she doesn't seem to get them. ): No, I suspect she does actually, she just doesn't want to give me the satisfaction of playing with her baby. Heh heh.

6. I seriously considered trying to pick up smoking for a period of time.
Bad, bad person! ): Everybody copes in different ways. Okay that's pretty irrelevant. But oh well. I had bouts of emo and one bout of anti-social and all the while my mind was keeping me occupied with morbid thoughts which did nothing good for me at all. I think Lit does funny things to one because it can be such a depressing subject. It weighs down heavily, and you know it, but there's nothing you can do to lift that load off, it will stay there because it has made an impact on your life. I love Lit for various reasons.

7. I realised that you need to work at making relationships work.
Why, of course I didn't only realise it this year. But this year made it especially hard for me because I suddenly became busy with seemingly pointless things that snowballed into terrible time consumers. We're talking about my time here, hello. It's no longer like in the past where I had too much time on hand, it's different now. It's like I suddenly realised that there are things waiting quietly to be done, and when they start getting impatient you'll miss them, and I didn't want to miss anything, so I did everything. Or at least i tried to.

8. I almost fell in love.
Okay that's too dramatic. I didn't almost fall in love, I had a crush on some stranger in school. And he's the closest I got to liking since the ex, so I consider that a good thing because it signifies moving on.

8. I had a wonderful Christmas.
Christmas Eve was lovely, Christmas Day was lovely too. And I certainly do believe that New Year's Eve will be lovely too, as with New Year's Day, and the new year ahead. It's always funny how when you caught in that situation at that point in time you experience the extremely good, the extremely bad, and all of the array of varying degrees of goodness (and badness) in between, but when you look back, somehow, it's all good. It's all good. I guess that's what they call having no regrets, and if there's one thing I'm proud of myself, it's having no regrets. (Until i recall any, that is.) The thing is, I strongly believe that my life has turned out the way it has so far because of the choices that I make. I can't remember how regret feels like. Which is a good thing I assume, let's hope it stays that way.

OH, and I'm starting out small for my new year resolution. It's simple, and hopefully achievable. I resolve to be punctual. There you go. Nicely done. Simply put, but says a lot. At least to me it does.

Next year I'll resolve to buy a Ferrari or something.

The year ahead will be a great one. (:

King of Kings, Queen of Queens

It was hanging there one fine day.

Throughout the entire examination period I'd been having utterly random thoughts and dreams, and it didn't feel appropriate to go about updating blogs during the exam period. So I wrote everything down in my word pad.

I dreamt of MacDonald's, of Tian Meng (a secondary schoolmate I've never spoken to in my entire life), of zombies, of being given a pencil to defend my self, of interchangeable shaft covers, of pretty weird stuff, but mostly dark images.

What if one day you fall in love with Death? What if one day you realise you don't have much time left? (I was watching Meet Joe Black at the time, and it was interesting the way they portrayed Death to be innocent and all, not to mention hot.)

Confined to my own thoughts, I toss in bed, drift off and wake up without feeling rested. I eat, simply allowing the throat muscles to push the food down, without any enjoyment whatsoever. I almost throw up when I swallow the salmon.

My parents are the cutest people on earth. My sister is the third cutest person.

The view from the kitchen window. It's what I have grown to rely on for random moments of serenity.

And then a friend said,
"Mean it when you cuss! That's what makes it satisfying!
That or don't do it at all."
And I thought it sounded like a catchy tagline for a cussing advert

Hanging there for its dear life.

Cold Clothes.

Sun rays never fail to amaze.

Today is one of the coldest days ever.

I recall how it's the same every end of the year, where the roads in Orchard are decked out in fancy lights in anticipation of Christmas day. There I'd be in the bus, my hands being freezed off by the jets of cold air blowing out from the aircon outlets. You know how the furthest those little nozzles can be adjusted is such that the cold air blows directly on your lap, and when you're travelling in a bus, there's no better place for you to position your hands except on your lap? Of course by the end of the journey my hands would usually be under my butt, which would be the only part of my body which remains warm.

Bloody freezing I tell you. But the decorations somehow always seem to make it better. I like looking at the lights out of the bus windows condensed with water droplets.

While I was at IMM tonight I momentarily became a Magnet for All the Bad Vibes There Possibly Could Be Floating About in the Air. My mind blanked out and started filling up with all of those thoughts meant to get you down. And they did. They got me, right in the head, and straight to the heart.


It kept playing, "knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door..."



I saw without seeing, I heard without listening, and I spoke without thinking. I saw people without faces. I heard voices without sources. I said things which had no meaning. I must have been unreal just for that moment.




I scanned the crowd.
I thought of my happy friend.
I love my happy friend.