Of Jolly and Folly

"Everything happens for a reason."

Everybody must know that by now. The sentence certainly did not conjure itself up. There must be a reason why the saying came to be. It happened for a reason. (What profound knowledge I seem to be exhibiting. Look at what the holidays did to my brain.)

I like this photograph for no reason.
(Might mysteriously be the congested traffic.)

So today is officially the last day of 2007, and it is good to do reflections on the last day of each year. And what better way is there to keep track of all your reflections than making a list? Have I mentioned before that I love lists? I do.

So we start with the start, and end with, oh well, a new start.

1. I went through a break up.
Hey, I'm not being a wet blanket here by reminding you about THAT, but it really is the first major thing that happened to me at the start of the year. But hey, I strongly believe I emerged a little wiser from that relationship. Speaking of that, I saw the ex recently, and I did feel the tiny twinge of my heartstrings being tugged ever so slightly. But it was just a tiny twinge, and okay, in all honesty, I'm wondering whether I should drop him a Happy New Year message. But that's for 12 A.M., and when the time comes I'll just see where my spontaneity takes me. (:

Who in the world came up with the term "heartstrings"? I shall coin a new term, like "lungthreads" or "kidneystones". Oh wait, that's not new right. But lungthreads is new, and it shall be used as such: Thinking of him made my lungthreads knot up such that I had difficulty breathing.

2. I managed to secure a place in a local University.
Why, and even now as I type I'm missing school can you believe it. But I know that once the school term starts I'm gonna wish that I was on holiday, and that school never existed, and once the holidays start, I'm gonna wish that I was in school. Argh. Irony likes playing around with people like that. On hindsight, I'm very thankful for this chance to study Literature. I know my grades weren't all that good, and I am so grateful.

3. I almost became religious.
This is the closest I've ever been to an encounter with religion. At that time I really did believe that there was a God, but there was always a "but", always a "but". I don't know which is worse, believing that there is a God, but refusing to accept the teachings in Bible and all that is preached, or refusing to even believe that there is a God at all in the first place.

So in the event that there really is a God, and the day comes where you are hauled up in front of Him for judgment, can you imagine what'd happen?

Scenario A - Man who believes there's a God, but doesn't accept the Bible.
Man: There! I always knew you existed!
God: Good for you, so why didn't you follow my teachings in the Bible?
Man: Urm, that's because I found it full of contradictions, and I honestly didn't believe in life after death, thus negating the need for any kind of salvation to earn myself a place in your kingdom.
God: But you're dead now right, and we're still conversing, so doesn't this constitute life after death? Where do you think those pearly gates you entered led you to?
Man: Uhoh.
*Gets struck down by a bolt of lighting which mysteriously appears from nowhere.*

Scenario B - Man who does not believe in God.
Man: Who are you? What is this place?
God: I am God, the one you did not believe in.
Man: Whoa, cool. So, do I get pardoned for my sins because I didn't know better and commited them out of ignorance?
God: Hmm.. But you do know the existence of the Bible right?
Man: Urm, yeeees... But I've never read it before!
God: Too bad for you then, if you chose not to read it. I always knew free will was a mistake.
Man: Uhoh.
*Gets struck down by a bolt of lightning which mysteriously appears from nowhere.*

I dunno, I guess religion comes in a package. If you believe in God, you have to believe in the Bible. If you believe in Allah, you have to believe in the K'oran. If you believe in Buddha, you have to believe in the.. what, Buddhist scriptures? I-ching? The Buddhist Bible if you must. If you believe in MacDonald you have to believe in the Big Mac, just like how if you believe in Kentucky you have to believe in his fried chicken. (ARGH stop it already.)

No but seriously, I don't know. I don't know a lot of things. You hear so much nowadays that you don't know what to believe in anymore. "The greenhouse effect is a myth. The greenhouse effect is reality. Eating eggs increase your cholesterol level. Cholesterol does not come from eggs. Having 8 hours of sleep each day helps you lose weight. Not sleeping for three days straight helps you lose weight. Ghosts exist. Ghosts don't exist. David Blaine has magic in his fingers. Don't trust those warnings the producers put on saying that no camera tricks were involved. People are essentially born sad. People are essentially born happy. GOSH DON'T YOU JUST HATE CHOICES. There's a lot more we can talk about, but I'm sure you're tired of hearing already.

4. My editing job screwed up my command of the English language.
I can't tell whether it's "its" or "it's" anymore. Is it "the dog wagged it's tail" or "the dog wagged its tail"? Both look correct to me, sadly. "It's tail was injured"? "Its tail was injured"? Raaaaaarrrrr!
This is such a warped world. ):

5. My sister got married. I am officially a sis-in-law.
Wow cool! I've got a married sibling! Not many people I know have got married siblings. I'm eagerly awaiting the day where she gets pregnant and gives birth to a cute baby for me to play with. Ho ho ho. I have been dropping very blatant hints to her about my expectations for the arrival of a niece/nephew, but she doesn't seem to get them. ): No, I suspect she does actually, she just doesn't want to give me the satisfaction of playing with her baby. Heh heh.

6. I seriously considered trying to pick up smoking for a period of time.
Bad, bad person! ): Everybody copes in different ways. Okay that's pretty irrelevant. But oh well. I had bouts of emo and one bout of anti-social and all the while my mind was keeping me occupied with morbid thoughts which did nothing good for me at all. I think Lit does funny things to one because it can be such a depressing subject. It weighs down heavily, and you know it, but there's nothing you can do to lift that load off, it will stay there because it has made an impact on your life. I love Lit for various reasons.

7. I realised that you need to work at making relationships work.
Why, of course I didn't only realise it this year. But this year made it especially hard for me because I suddenly became busy with seemingly pointless things that snowballed into terrible time consumers. We're talking about my time here, hello. It's no longer like in the past where I had too much time on hand, it's different now. It's like I suddenly realised that there are things waiting quietly to be done, and when they start getting impatient you'll miss them, and I didn't want to miss anything, so I did everything. Or at least i tried to.

8. I almost fell in love.
Okay that's too dramatic. I didn't almost fall in love, I had a crush on some stranger in school. And he's the closest I got to liking since the ex, so I consider that a good thing because it signifies moving on.

8. I had a wonderful Christmas.
Christmas Eve was lovely, Christmas Day was lovely too. And I certainly do believe that New Year's Eve will be lovely too, as with New Year's Day, and the new year ahead. It's always funny how when you caught in that situation at that point in time you experience the extremely good, the extremely bad, and all of the array of varying degrees of goodness (and badness) in between, but when you look back, somehow, it's all good. It's all good. I guess that's what they call having no regrets, and if there's one thing I'm proud of myself, it's having no regrets. (Until i recall any, that is.) The thing is, I strongly believe that my life has turned out the way it has so far because of the choices that I make. I can't remember how regret feels like. Which is a good thing I assume, let's hope it stays that way.

OH, and I'm starting out small for my new year resolution. It's simple, and hopefully achievable. I resolve to be punctual. There you go. Nicely done. Simply put, but says a lot. At least to me it does.

Next year I'll resolve to buy a Ferrari or something.

The year ahead will be a great one. (:

King of Kings, Queen of Queens

It was hanging there one fine day.

Throughout the entire examination period I'd been having utterly random thoughts and dreams, and it didn't feel appropriate to go about updating blogs during the exam period. So I wrote everything down in my word pad.

I dreamt of MacDonald's, of Tian Meng (a secondary schoolmate I've never spoken to in my entire life), of zombies, of being given a pencil to defend my self, of interchangeable shaft covers, of pretty weird stuff, but mostly dark images.

What if one day you fall in love with Death? What if one day you realise you don't have much time left? (I was watching Meet Joe Black at the time, and it was interesting the way they portrayed Death to be innocent and all, not to mention hot.)

Confined to my own thoughts, I toss in bed, drift off and wake up without feeling rested. I eat, simply allowing the throat muscles to push the food down, without any enjoyment whatsoever. I almost throw up when I swallow the salmon.

My parents are the cutest people on earth. My sister is the third cutest person.

The view from the kitchen window. It's what I have grown to rely on for random moments of serenity.

And then a friend said,
"Mean it when you cuss! That's what makes it satisfying!
That or don't do it at all."
And I thought it sounded like a catchy tagline for a cussing advert

Hanging there for its dear life.

Cold Clothes.

Sun rays never fail to amaze.

Today is one of the coldest days ever.

I recall how it's the same every end of the year, where the roads in Orchard are decked out in fancy lights in anticipation of Christmas day. There I'd be in the bus, my hands being freezed off by the jets of cold air blowing out from the aircon outlets. You know how the furthest those little nozzles can be adjusted is such that the cold air blows directly on your lap, and when you're travelling in a bus, there's no better place for you to position your hands except on your lap? Of course by the end of the journey my hands would usually be under my butt, which would be the only part of my body which remains warm.

Bloody freezing I tell you. But the decorations somehow always seem to make it better. I like looking at the lights out of the bus windows condensed with water droplets.

While I was at IMM tonight I momentarily became a Magnet for All the Bad Vibes There Possibly Could Be Floating About in the Air. My mind blanked out and started filling up with all of those thoughts meant to get you down. And they did. They got me, right in the head, and straight to the heart.


It kept playing, "knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door..."



I saw without seeing, I heard without listening, and I spoke without thinking. I saw people without faces. I heard voices without sources. I said things which had no meaning. I must have been unreal just for that moment.




I scanned the crowd.
I thought of my happy friend.
I love my happy friend.

Insolent Involuntary Insomnia

Last night I revisited The Girl with the Flaxen hair and realised that I don't like it as much as I did when I was thirteen.

The pencil is a precious instrument.

Dear now just hold me tight
As we lie in bed tonight
Tell me it will all be right
As long as we are one tonight

That you've effectively killed the past
The past that hinges on one word, Lust
I'll hold you tight now if I must
And tell you Sweet, in you I trust

Dear now just hold me close
As we lay in bed, morose
The ceiling spins from overdose
Don't forget now, I need you most



(My enigma, I wish I never see
Past you, the one who screams intrigue
To keep you shrouded in mystery
Strangers, I'm afraid, we must be.)

Bleed Heart, Bleed.

The dull of my thudding heart tells me something's not quite right.
I knew I shouldn't have succumbed to the lull of the text.

All at once you see more, you hear more, you feel more. You think you understand, but really, you don't. All of the longing he speaks of, all of the loving he writes of, all of the darkness he equates himself to; it pulls you down, it drags you inside like a dog does a bone. You're helpless in his myriad of shadows.
No light, no light, we need some light in here. What shadows? There are no shadows, only smoke, and you will be engulfed in the smoke from his cigarettes.
Cut it out.
Cut It Out.
CUT IT OUT.
CUT OUT A PIECE OF ME AND
(please don't) BLEED ME TO THE BRIM
till I overflow and spill out onto the walls of this existence.

You see parts of his life flash by. You don't fancy it you say. How much more better off are you. You can't leave this.
You have effectively crawled your way into that small room in the floor and locked yourself in and thrown away the key. You're stuck. Only now you realise that you're stuck.
Stop it.
Stop It.
STOP IT I SAY BEFORE YOU ARE ENTANGLED IN HIS DECEIT.

What?
No second chances?

I'm hungry it's dinner time.

Fillial Ophelia

Well nope, actually in the context of Shakespeare's plays, the one known for fillial piety is Cordelia in King Lear.

Bright White Lights are out.
Yellow Mellow Lights are in.
At least in my life.
So, one of the greater obssessions in the life of Vanessa (one of which is obssessing over the obssession with homework, but not actually getting anything done) is now yellow lights. Her room had just been fitted with a yellow ceiling light. Warm light, as the lighting people call it. And she is currently sitting in front of the computer screen basking in the warm yellow glow from the hall wall lights. Ha don't you just love rhymes?

Gosh what am I doing I'm supposed to be working on an assignment, but I guess a break now and then doesn't harm anyone right?

My teeth are brushed and my face is washed, and I have drunk two glasses of water since. This is one of those times when I'm feeling slightly sedated by time and the lateness of it all, which is a feeling equivalent to a subtle kind of high. Is that how I should put it... Nope, it's more like a subtle kind of consciousness that you're alive, that your senses are more than slightly awake yet asleep. Everything is quiet except for the stupid bunch of screaming youths who just drove past on the road outside. The side of my knee itches. I scratch at the itch mindlessly. Cough cough. (Oh I just realised that my music has stopped playing. And that I spelled occasional the first time correctly and the second time wrongly in the previous entry. I must have some sort of spelling disorder. Or you could simply call it carelessness.)

What a waste of Internet connection time this entry is. Yes I do not have unlimited Internet connection time. I scratch my ear lobe. And sneeze. I swallow and my throat feels sore and I smell that phlegmy smell. The noisy vehicle has just moved off noisily. My other knee itches and I scratch it. I look at the clock and it says 3 o'clock. I think it's time for me to go back to my assignment.

I swear I need a life. I shall upload pictures! If I ever learn how to. And if I ever get to upload the pictures into my computer first. AAARGH. Everything is so pointless. My knee itches.

I Was An Unwilling Party.

About forty eight minutes ago--

I am taking a break from my assignment. The room window looks so tempting I cannot help but stick my head out of it. The last time I recall such a beautiful night was probably around December of 2006. The sky is a luminous red and moderate winds are blowing. It smells deliciously of rain. There are no stars tonight. There are no cars on the road except for the occasional taxi. The units on the block opposite are all dark. It feels like no one else is awake except for me and the streetlights and the ocassional taxi drivers. I have not felt such great peace and calm in ages. The feeling is so overwhelming that I get goosebumps on my legs. I take in the winds and the rainy smell and the lights and all of the clouds in the sky.



About thirteen minutes ago--

I have completed the assignment. The room window still looks tempting. Again I stick my head out of the window. I see a man on a bicycle and start fantasising about having a motorbike and riding on the road at night. I see two ah bengs ride past on bikes. I look up at the sky and it looks like it is going to rain.

And then I recall.

And then I unwittingly recall.

I recall the month of December in the year of Two Thousand And Six and the time when we had our annual starwatching expedition. I recall when I waited at the bus stop across the road.
It was drizzling.

I no longer am recalling.

I am watching it happen.

It was raining when we ran across the road. It was raining when we sat in the bus. It was raining when we walked in the mall. I think the rain must have washed the traces of body soap off your hand onto mine. I could smell your soap on my palm afterwards.
And then I remember.

I remember.

Why do I remember.

Muses

20th September 2007

They were daughters, and there were nine. Muses, that is.

According to the OED, a muse is a classical mythol. (How amusing! Haha I'm so sorry I couldn't help that.) Each of the nine goddesses regarded as presiding over and inspiring learning and the arts, especially poetry and music. They were daughters of Zeus and Mnemosyne, and normally held to be nine in number.

Ah, the interesting intricacies we find out as an English Literature Major.

But hey we don't only learn Greek mythology. In fact we don't touch that at all, the above was just a very minor subpoint in the entire lecture, but it was about the most interesting thing, I found. Why I'm not saying that the rest of the lecture was boring. Definitely not, no one planted that idea in your head right?

I was in a rather bad mood the moment I got home because it has been a long day at school, and Bessie pissed me off further by being very demanding, and I cannot stand her being demanding when I am in a bad mood, so I just pissed off and locked myself in the room trying to figure out if she had been through my things and I decided that she had when I found the Daniel Wu pamphlet in the dustbin. So I picked it up in an intense pique of anger and threw it on my table and if I come back from school tomorrow and find it in the dustbin I shall pick it up again, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day until Bessie realises that I want it, and I want her to stop going through my things. I am irritating that way, but that's the way I am.
I also got pissed because she removed the bedsheets and I had to put the bedsheets on if I wanted a nap, which was what I wanted badly when I got home, so I slept on the floor of my locked room in the very same intense pique of anger. I hated the smell of her cooking wafting into my room and staying like an unwanted guest for a very long time but I still fell asleep anyway. I woke to the sound of Phillip frantically trying to open the door by twisting the doorknob this way and that and grumpily ate my dinner of porridge, canned meat, fish and vegetables.

I wish I had a rooftop to sit on.

18th September 2007

She's been taken in by the music. And that doesn't help with her perennial neck ache. Nor does it help with the moods. Listening to it over and over will not cure her obsession. She wished she had ivory to tinker on. You never know what's going through her head. Let her waltz, let her tap her feet in time with the music, let her feel it in her fingers in her veins in her blood in her life. In her life. In her life like a soundtrack; the soundtrack of life where the scenes do not connect they break they shatter they cut like glass and etch themselves deep in her heart, deep in her heart where no one can every access. She locks herself up away from the family. There is no light, just one yellow bulb. And it lights up most of her time. Let the music go on, let it play, let it be the one that unlocks the chains on her ankles and wrists. Let it unlock the chambers in her heart.

11th September 2007

I'm losing myself.
What am I doing? Where is she?
I don't like it. What am I doing? Where is my character where has it gone?
Where are my friends?
Pull me back friends pull me back.
I'm lost.
Find me.
FIND ME.
Get me back.
I miss everything we used to be, used to share, used to have.
I miss the ways.
I miss.
I'M MISSING.

Well, You Probably Weren't All Aware.

Happiness, she said, and then it was gone.

It's sort of a transient thing. But then again, all things are transient. No wait, what's the meaning of transient in the first place?

School's probably the current highlight of life. But it's so draining and I really wonder why. Maybe it's the course. Maybe it's the stifling atmosphere in campus. Maybe it's just the weather. Must be the weather. I keep dressing for the wrong weather, and then feeling stupid for doing so. People should just stick to school uniforms. (Bessie's watching some korean drama. I dislike korean dramas for reasons unknown.)

Everything's rather different now. I keep having bouts of ridiculous emotions dropping in (during school hours mostly). The weather's really hot isn't it? But some days the weather's really cold. I'm high at inappropriate times. I get moody pretty easily, and I realise I don't have much to say so I keep quiet most of the time. But when I talk an entire truckload of rubbish comes out. It's like there's nothing good left up there. I'm sleepy.

I miss my friends. I'm gonna cry like a baby and hope that my tears will wash me towards them like a tidal wave. I think we're tired most of the time. (At this point, there really are too many "I"s in the paragraphs, making me sound like some self-absorbed freak.) Met a bit of 9P today, realised that our meetings are getting shorter and more abrupt. A bunch of tired people aren't really that dynamic. But it's always nice. Always nice.

I want to skulk around in the shadows.
I want to shave my head.
I want to be a plateau. (I had trouble spelling that.)

Give me a Rubik cube anyday. Temper's short though, might just destroy it.

Everytime I Try To Walk Away...

More and more I'm getting the feeling that friends aren't that easy to keep. Much as I hate losing any single one of them, maybe some things just don't happen the way I'd like them to. It's just one of life's ways isn't it.

We've been through this many times right, aren't you tired? Oh right, why should you be considering you haven't really been trying. Maybe our days in secondary school are too far away to bring back warm feelings now. Or maybe it's just the way we don't talk at all now. Or maybe it's just that we don't really have much in common. Maybe it's pointless trying to pinpoint the reason, because if you'd thought there was something wrong, you'd have already tried. But you haven't, and I don't think you ever will.

We might as well be Strangers.

I thank the people who were there with me through my emo days.

Anita, the funny lady who makes me laugh with the things she say and her supernice messages. Hah I seriously was surprised when I got her smses and I felt warm and fuzzy in my heart. How can she be an ah lian when she's this thoughtful? :D

Lilian, I know she's going through a rough patch herself, and it was real nice of her to drop me that lovely sms. I know she'll be strong through all of this. Go lilian go!

Rachel, haha one of the main causes of my state of emo. I'd hate her for that, but then she's too lovable for me to do that. She's not here because she's somewhere else, but if she were chances are I'd be out with her right now because it's FRIDAY NIGHT! Or maybe I'd be out with her tomorrow night. Oh man, I miss her.

Johan, the drinker (of mineral water, of course) and the one who doesn't sleep much. Oh well what can I say, he's funny, and he's slightly capable of making me feel better. Slightly. But that capability increases with more drinks. But then again maybe it's the drinks ha.

Jianwei, hey babe! I'm sorry about the time I got all moody while we were at Tampines Mall, you were really nice la and I felt damn guilty after we left the place. She makes a great listener. Haha you're always so bubbly and warm! :)

Heler, sunshine boy who is able to make me feel better, he's the one who made it possible for me to see the brighter picture. He makes me laugh with all the lame things he says, and I am amused by the similarities we share.

EMO DAYS AWAY AWAY AWAAAAAY!

In and Out - Once Is Enough

I see the things that happen in life, and they make me scared, afraid.
They make me want to cry, to scream in anguish, to bury my head in the pillow and suffocate.
They make me stay awake at night, when it's all dark outside, and they all come out to play, to play in my head, and in this heat, it's unbearable. I need to sleep.
When it's light outside all about, the song keeps playing on loop, repeat, it continues, it sings "you could be happy, you could be happy"
Yes I could be happy, I could be happy if I were carefree. But if I were carefree, I'd be inhuman.

When life comes to a standstill, and other people's lives go by, it's not right, you don't feel good, but at the same time it feels good too. It comes in spasms, like you know it's not right, but it feels right, but then again sometimes it's all wrong.

Today on the escalator up I had a dizzy spell. I'd never had any dizzy spell that serious in all my eighteen years. I couldn't walk straight, it was like I was drunk. Drunk on something unheard of, drunk on the song on repeat, drunk on heat, drunk on everything happening in other people's lives.
It sings "more than anything I want to see you go."

I feel the wind blowing against my hair and it is not a nice feeling like they say it should be. In fact it is one of the most horrid things I've ever experienced.

It must be that time of the month because everywhere I turn everything I see reminds me of how we used to be. And remembering makes me feel so bad. It doesn't always make me feel bad, but today I felt really bad.
Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god. "And for the tiniest moment it's all not true."

I'm scared.

"You Could Be Happy" - Snow Patrol

You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go
(You're going, you're leaving, but you'll be back and we'll meet again and laugh and dance and scream and talk)

And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played on lips 'till it's madness in my head
(It's all the things I wished you had not said, that are being played inside my head)

Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur
(Don't do that, please don't)

Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door
(My memories are tinted with that shade of red, it makes everything look damn good)

You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far
(The black spots blot out the angst, and they spread into the inner depths of the chambers)

Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true
(My senses are dead I'm so sorry)

Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do
(I need something to re(lie) on)

More than anything I want to see you go
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world
(Go, go on, I love you)

It's Funny, What They Say

Life has a weird habit of making fools out of people. At least my life has a weird habit of making a fool out of me. Or is it just me fooling around with life?

Sometimes I get ridiculously happy over nothing and firmly declare that life is great. Sometimes I get ridiculously down and firmly declare that life is pretty crappy. But most of the time now I feel like nothing I do gives me any kick. You know, I can't get any kick out of doing the things I do. (Alright you should just kick me the next time you see me) But seriously, I not getting any satisfaction doing the things I'm doing, maybe except meeting up with friends.

Just a minute ago I felt like I had a lot to blog about, and a minute later my mind's a blank.

Therefore I shall do a list of things that I want to buy. (Wow! No brainer! I love no-brainers!)

1. A mobile phone. I want to get a Sony Ericsson model because they have the cutest phones.
Estimated price: $300

2. A pair of binoculars. This is not for bird watching, but for star gazing. I've had people telling me not to be ridiculous because you obviously cannot watch stars with binoculars. But you CAN if them binoculars were MADE FOR star watching duh.
Estimated price: $400

3. A point-and-shoot camera. Not the normal kind of digital cameras for casual photo taking, but one with manual zoom, with interchangeable lenses whoo. That turns me on.
Estimated price: At least $700

4. A bicycle. For whimsical night time cycling to visit friends who would probably be asleep. Or I can cycle to work.
Estimated price: $250

5. A motorcycle. For whimsical night time riding to visit friends who would probably be asleep. Or I can ride to work. I can so imagine myself riding on the road in the middle of the night. I like fantasising about that. :) But I guess it would be more practical to at least try and obtain a licence first right?
Estimated price: At least $4000? I have no idea how much a bike costs.

6. Google. YES I WANT TO BUY GOOGLE.
Estimated price: Priceless. What a priceless joke. I was just kidding when I said I want to buy google.

7. Earphones. With loud thubthumping bass that will drown out the singers' voices. Haha nah just kidding, as long as the bass is loud enough to drown out the background singers' voices. Haha nah kidding again, I just want good loud deep bass.
Estimated price: $70

Alright this is using up too much of my brain power. I've gotta leave some for the rest of the week. Argh I hate work. :(

Point, Sir.

You know your job's getting to you when you actually recognise the frames people are wearing, and worse, when you actually recognise your customers on the streets. I find doing the latter rather disturbing.

For instance, I'm in the MRT and I look to my left, and standing there is a inconspicuous lady who was in the shop a week ago, whom I'd tried serving only to find that she'd blatantly expressed her preference for the service of Chester, who is Boss No. 2 (ha I'd just succeeded in making him sound like a brand of fragrance). Now I'm not saying that's unfair or wrong, alot of people bypass me for Chester, I mean even I would bypass me for Chester (but hey I'm not saying my service isn't good -- a lady customer of mine bought me 5 Crystal Jade char siew puffs. But then again it might have been due to the $100 discount Boss No. 1 gave to her. Or how about the time the elderly Thai couple asked me if I'd ever been to Thailand, and even kindly asked me to visit? And I'm almost certainly sure that in the event that I drop in on them when I'm ever in Thailand all I'd get is a "Who are you?"). Back to the inconspicuous lady, the very thing I'd noticed about her was her timidity, and I (unsurprisingly) noticed that about her again when I saw her in the train. Oh well.

Or how about the time at Clarke Quay. I heard a deep voice giving directions, to which I turned my head only to see a face belonging to a man that I would only have seen in the course of work because there is absolutely nowhere else in my memory that I can recall me having an acquaintanceship with him. Yes, that was a customer alright.

Enough of work.

I've got to go clean up some tombstones now.

Tag - You're It.

Blinded (When I See You) - Third Eye Blind

Just an old friend coming over now to visit you and
That's what I've become
I let myself in though I know I'm not supposed to but
I never know when I'm done
("Are we gonna be friends?" I find myself constantly asking myself that. Or rather I find myself constantly wanting to ask him that. But thing is, I don't think he even wants to hear from me now. He doesn't message. He doesn't call. Not even as a friend? Why is that? Do you think he's angry? About what? I haven't got an inkling. Oh well.)

And I see you fogging up the mirror
Vapor round your body glistens in the shower
And I want to stay right here
and go down on you for an hour
( Have I ever mentioned that he has a great body? Yeah he does and I'd always felt secure with him. Minus the fact that his sense of balance is almost nonexistent. Gosh I love his built.)
Or stay, and let the day just fade away
In wild dedication, take the moment of hope
And let it run, and never look back at all the damage we have done now
To each other to each other to each other
(Yes, like all the times we've been quiet, not knowing what to say, and I had the strong urge to just plant a kiss on your cheek to make everything better, but always being restrained by something, something I know not of.)

Cause when I see you, it's like I'm staring down the sun
And I'm blinded
There's nothing left to do
But still I see you
(Everywhere I go now that we've been to before I still get these short clips in my head depicting all that we've ever done. Stop surfacing. Stop surfacing I say. Glorious memories melt into misery and pain when we're no more.)

I never believed that things they happen for a reason and
They never go as planned
(I hated planning, and you were one who had to plan everything beforehand. You wanted to make full use of your time. I have always been idle.)
I wanted to thank you for a vision that was lost that you returned
but you're passed do you understand
(You were my miracle. You are my miracle no more.)

Now her appetite is blown, little else is known
Except she a little angry, grabs a towel and looks away
And heat fades with the day
And I fall down on what to say,
Oh something clean let me be clever
(Now there must be something wrong when I've got more to talk about with my friends than what I've got to talk about with you. But I always tried. But the more I tried the less I had to say. And when words failed so did we.)
Hey oh well whatever
But that's not what I mean
Where we've been has left us burned
Still I won't turn now from a fight
You know I'll never win
(You once told me, in the event that we fought, to just ignore what you said and never to argue with you because ultimately I would be the one getting hurt. And that when you've cooled down you'd be able put yourself in my shoes and think about the matter in a rational way. But we never had the chance to fight.)

So when I see you, you know all the things I've done
Well I'm blinded
Like I'm staring down the sun
When I see you when I see you when I see you
It's like I'm staring down the sun
I'm blinded
(The times I watched you on the basketball court. You were in your element and you practically shone. At least I saw you shine. And now your face is still inked in my mind.)

Time passes and it tells us what we're left with
We become the things we do
(I was eaten by insecurities, but they were justified in the end. I saw it as a sign.)
Me I'm a fool, spent from defiance, yeah you got me but
I didn't give up on you
(There were times when I contemplated if I was doing the right thing. Maybe we should have waited longer before getting together. But it's okay, we tried right? It's all about feel.)

Icarus is not a tee shirt or a swan song, no
He is born again and it's not easy being me
(Heartily know, when half-gods go, the gods arrive. - Emerson)
But I can't promise I will mend or bend
When you believe that we are fixed now from our birth
And I've just fallen back to earth
Still you know I'll try again
(I take it as a consolation that we weren't very deep in love because the fall was then not as hard. And it appears now that even if there was a slightest chance that we'd get back together for some reason I wouldn't want that, but if I could turn back time I would definitely choose the path that I had chosen then, and get together with you all over again even if we had to break up ultimately.)
Cause I believe that
We are lucky
We are golden
We're stolen manners
In the days when we were one
(You made me see things the way I 'd never been able to before.)

So when I see you, despite all that we've become
I'm still blinded
But I'm still staring down the sun
When I see you when I see you when I see you
I'm still staring down the sun I'm still staring down the sun I'm still staring down the sun
I'm blinded
(There is no blame. I still miss you and think of you constantly, but hey think on the bright side, it hasn't even been one month since we ended. Give me more time alright?)

Heartily know, when half-gods go, the gods arrive.

Honey Bunny

It would have been our third month today if we were still together.

Together; (definition taken from Dictionary.com)

1. into or in one gathering, company, mass, place, or body: to call the people together.

2. into or in union, proximity, contact, or collision, as two or more things: to sew things together.

3. into or in relationship, association, business, or agreement, etc., as two or more persons: to bring strangers together.

4. taken or considered collectively or conjointly: This one cost more than all the others together.

5. (of a single thing) into or in a condition of unity, compactness, or coherence: to squeeze a thing together; The argument does not hold together well.

6. at the same time; simultaneously: You cannot have both together.

7. without intermission or interruption; continuously; uninterruptedly: for days together.

8. in cooperation; with united action; conjointly: to undertake a task together.

9. with mutual action; mutually; reciprocally: to confer together; to multiply two numbers together.

It takes two. We were together for eighty-one days.

It takes two to be one.

The walking epitome of emptiness. I'm hollow inside. It's an inexplicable feeling. I can't say it's sadness, neither is it depression.

The closest word would be lethargy.

I need to go back to reading to watching to listening to laughing to smiling to going to thinking (not of bad things of course silly) to being to befriending to just being to just being to just being me.

I'm not me when there's him. I'm still not me when he's not there.

He graduates from Basic Military Training tomorrow if I didn't remember wrongly. I need to live past this period of time with dates of what we have planned previously. Time is what I need. Because everything I see still reminds me of us. I dread going home each time I'm out. I dread seeing the void deck of my block of flats, I dread walking through the corridor, I dread taking buses, trains, dread seeing motorbicycles, I dread remembering, because then the unsettling lethargy just sets in. It simply sets in, it attacks me from within until it reaches the layer beneath the skin, and it seeps out from the pores, the way poisonous gases always seem to be able to permeate through cracks in the walls, and the lethargy hangs around for a large part of time and I find that I am totally ruined by it.

I know I will get past this in due time. I love my friends! :D And I love retail therapy! :)

What Is It That You Want Now

What is it with breakups and tears? Why do people cry when they experience the aftermath of breakups.
Point: A breakup is something that happens at a certain point in time, it is not a process, it is an event.

Why does it seem to be indefinitely so that crying ties in with breakups? And then I wonder if the boy is feeling anything at the moment. And then I realise that I probably should stop trying to figure out what he's doing what he's feeling what he's thinking at the moment because that's not going to change anything.

Anyway, back to the question, I figured that people cry when they breakup probably because they really are breaking up inside.

Something pretty miraculous happened last night. On Lilian's advice I actually prayed. And for a long time since I actually felt that my prayers were answered. Okay I know this sounds weird coming from me, but all I did was to ask for my tears to stop flowing, and for a good night's worth of sleep, and that really happened. I mean. It just dawned on me that Boy's not the one for me. I mean it was something I knew all along from the start but maybe lost somewhere along the way and last night it just became clear all over again, and that stopped the tears. I mean. I dunno. Divine intervention? But fact is it was inherently in me all along that Boy wasn't the one. I dunno. I tried making it work. Okay come again, I think I tried making it work. Maybe it wasn't easy, but I've got no regrets whatsoever.

Boy said that when we went out I didn't know what he wanted. I mean we've known each other for all of three months? I probably understand him as much as I understand my first three months classmates. Not excluding the fact that for the past one month plus we've only been spending one day of each week together, I probably understand him as much as I understand my first three months cca mates. But no.

In all honesty that's not true. The stark truth is that we had no area in common. Alas. He was very open with me. Which was touching, very touching.




Thank you boy. For once I'm sure I can say that I love you. I love you for teaching me happiness, for teaching me priority, love you for teaching me acceptance, tolerance, commitment, punctuality, I love you for being open with me by taking off your mask in front of me, for teaching me that sometimes letting go is the best option. Thank you so much. I love you.

TODAY

Valentine's Day today is not a happy day.

Valentine's Day one year ago:
- We met at Fish & Co. for dinner. I distinctively remember a warm fuzzy feeling as I stood at the LOVE sculpture looking at them in their animated manner. It was a nice feeling. Most of all it was a happy day, and even the dinner couldn't ruin it.
Valentine's Day today:
- As well as being the main reason why I am feeling pretty much like crap, it is also the reason why I'm feeling fucking much more than crap like I'm in the pits in a mood so foul I took it out on my family my family my family I shouldn't have I took it out on the people around me I need sleep I need sleep I need to forget to forget to live my life like it is mine and not yours not yours not theirs. I know we all have our lives that we have to lead I know it is nobody's fault there is no fault no fault the only fucking mistake I made was to commit to choose a name to indicate commitment to show that it really matters it really matters it matters too much. Maybe it doesn't those days that mattered have all passed now it's all in the past we should all move forward no correction I need to move forward I can't dwell in the past anymore it's not like we'll all be stuck in our 13 14 15 16 17 year old bodies and minds and naivety we all grow up. I accept that. I shan't protest. We all lead our own lives.

I'm crumbling.
Mel thanks for trying, I appreciate all that you do.
Swee thanks for making me see.

Eternal Sundown In The Spotty Mind

Diaries of The Spectacle Girl

I feel like I've been brutally detached from my life since I'd started working at a certain optical shop in town. Most of the time I'm down. I'm literally bogged down by my job, and I don't want to stay there long enough to actually get used to it. I've got no time for my friends, my family, my blog, my xbox (I mean Phillip's xbox), my music, my books and all the other simple things that I'd really like to do, like watching a television programme that I really like, or to sit and talk with my family on weekends. Instead, guess where I am most of the time? Compliments if you guessed at work. Which is why it's becoming such a dread for me.

Day in day out I stand on my poor (stinky) feet in the shop, serving the rich (and nasty, the rich and nice, and the not-so-rich and nasty, and the not-so-rich and nice) customers who come into the shop. I've seen those bad cases of snob whereby customers speak in loud demanding tones. I've seen those bad cases of miscommunication whereby customers can't speak english, but try to. I've seen those bad cases of greed whereby customers (get this) DEMAND that they be given freebies, freebies and more freebies. Of course there are the pleasant customers who speak in pleasant tones, who joke around and are pleasantly nice. But still.

And then there are the colleagues. I love the colleagues, but they're not enough. Colleagues aren't like friends. Colleagues aren't like family. Colleagues aren't like the boy. Although maybe if I stay on they might become like friends. Okay actually they are like friends, they're lovely friends. Lovely people. But they're not people I love. (This is hard to put across. I can't seem to get it right.)

One thing I took away from the job is Learning From Mistakes. This holds especially true for this job because there were alot of mistakes I made, and the experiences taught me not to make them again. It's like most of the time I could feel my brain making mental notes about the mistakes made and how not to commit them ever again. Yea so I guess it was cool in that sense.

And I learnt alot. I really really learnt alot from the work I'd done in the shop. Not just about the spectacles, sunglasses and contact lenses that I deal with per se, I've learnt stuff about working life, about relationships, about the importance of time, about thrift, about tolerance, and plenty more. I like all that I have learnt, and I don't regret working this job, even though I have many complaints about it. But no regrets, overall, that is.

There's No Need for Apollo(gies).

Man.

You do crazy things.

You go ahead and do crazy things and then you attempt to reason your crazy behaviour with even crazier theories no they're not theories they're lame excuses.

You make excuses excuses excuses they're not even reasons they're excuses excuses excuses to serve as covers, as screens, as absolvents to cover up your blunder in darkness, to shield your mistakes from discriminating stares, to absolve yourself of all blame.

You lie, you cheat, you scream, you insist, you argue, you cry, you shout, you fight, you replay, you ask you ask you just keep asking why how when what what what now what now what you don't reflect you don't reflect you refuse to reflect you refuse to admit you remain unquestioning YOU DON'T REFLECT.

You start a project you think it's interesting you think it's interesting after one day you think it's interesting after one week you think it's interesting after one month but how about after one year your interest doesn't follow through your enthusiasm can fool no one you don't follow through and then you start all over again you and your crazy antics ideas gimmicks with your renewed enthusiasm you hook them in you ensnare them and you drop them.

You drop them. You forget them. You don't need them. You hang on to your existing ties and you come back only when you need them. Why? Why? You and your crazy ideas, your crazy behaviour, your nonsensical rants and your irrational thinking it drives drives drives others up the wall to the end into oblivion. You need to think you always have to think it gets you going you have to find the right path don't find excuses it's pathetic it's Pathetic it's PATHETIC. Get on your feet you have to find it search for it seek it. Be it.