What is it with breakups and tears? Why do people cry when they experience the aftermath of breakups.
Point: A breakup is something that happens at a certain point in time, it is not a process, it is an event.
Why does it seem to be indefinitely so that crying ties in with breakups? And then I wonder if the boy is feeling anything at the moment. And then I realise that I probably should stop trying to figure out what he's doing what he's feeling what he's thinking at the moment because that's not going to change anything.
Anyway, back to the question, I figured that people cry when they breakup probably because they really are breaking up inside.
Something pretty miraculous happened last night. On Lilian's advice I actually prayed. And for a long time since I actually felt that my prayers were answered. Okay I know this sounds weird coming from me, but all I did was to ask for my tears to stop flowing, and for a good night's worth of sleep, and that really happened. I mean. It just dawned on me that Boy's not the one for me. I mean it was something I knew all along from the start but maybe lost somewhere along the way and last night it just became clear all over again, and that stopped the tears. I mean. I dunno. Divine intervention? But fact is it was inherently in me all along that Boy wasn't the one. I dunno. I tried making it work. Okay come again, I think I tried making it work. Maybe it wasn't easy, but I've got no regrets whatsoever.
Boy said that when we went out I didn't know what he wanted. I mean we've known each other for all of three months? I probably understand him as much as I understand my first three months classmates. Not excluding the fact that for the past one month plus we've only been spending one day of each week together, I probably understand him as much as I understand my first three months cca mates. But no.
In all honesty that's not true. The stark truth is that we had no area in common. Alas. He was very open with me. Which was touching, very touching.
Thank you boy. For once I'm sure I can say that I love you. I love you for teaching me happiness, for teaching me priority, love you for teaching me acceptance, tolerance, commitment, punctuality, I love you for being open with me by taking off your mask in front of me, for teaching me that sometimes letting go is the best option. Thank you so much. I love you.
Sunday, March 04, 2007
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
TODAY
Valentine's Day today is not a happy day.
Valentine's Day one year ago:
- We met at Fish & Co. for dinner. I distinctively remember a warm fuzzy feeling as I stood at the LOVE sculpture looking at them in their animated manner. It was a nice feeling. Most of all it was a happy day, and even the dinner couldn't ruin it.
Valentine's Day today:
- As well as being the main reason why I am feeling pretty much like crap, it is also the reason why I'm feeling fucking much more than crap like I'm in the pits in a mood so foul I took it out on my family my family my family I shouldn't have I took it out on the people around me I need sleep I need sleep I need to forget to forget to live my life like it is mine and not yours not yours not theirs. I know we all have our lives that we have to lead I know it is nobody's fault there is no fault no fault the only fucking mistake I made was to commit to choose a name to indicate commitment to show that it really matters it really matters it matters too much. Maybe it doesn't those days that mattered have all passed now it's all in the past we should all move forward no correction I need to move forward I can't dwell in the past anymore it's not like we'll all be stuck in our 13 14 15 16 17 year old bodies and minds and naivety we all grow up. I accept that. I shan't protest. We all lead our own lives.
I'm crumbling.
Mel thanks for trying, I appreciate all that you do.
Swee thanks for making me see.
Valentine's Day one year ago:
- We met at Fish & Co. for dinner. I distinctively remember a warm fuzzy feeling as I stood at the LOVE sculpture looking at them in their animated manner. It was a nice feeling. Most of all it was a happy day, and even the dinner couldn't ruin it.
Valentine's Day today:
- As well as being the main reason why I am feeling pretty much like crap, it is also the reason why I'm feeling fucking much more than crap like I'm in the pits in a mood so foul I took it out on my family my family my family I shouldn't have I took it out on the people around me I need sleep I need sleep I need to forget to forget to live my life like it is mine and not yours not yours not theirs. I know we all have our lives that we have to lead I know it is nobody's fault there is no fault no fault the only fucking mistake I made was to commit to choose a name to indicate commitment to show that it really matters it really matters it matters too much. Maybe it doesn't those days that mattered have all passed now it's all in the past we should all move forward no correction I need to move forward I can't dwell in the past anymore it's not like we'll all be stuck in our 13 14 15 16 17 year old bodies and minds and naivety we all grow up. I accept that. I shan't protest. We all lead our own lives.
I'm crumbling.
Mel thanks for trying, I appreciate all that you do.
Swee thanks for making me see.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Eternal Sundown In The Spotty Mind
Diaries of The Spectacle Girl
I feel like I've been brutally detached from my life since I'd started working at a certain optical shop in town. Most of the time I'm down. I'm literally bogged down by my job, and I don't want to stay there long enough to actually get used to it. I've got no time for my friends, my family, my blog, my xbox (I mean Phillip's xbox), my music, my books and all the other simple things that I'd really like to do, like watching a television programme that I really like, or to sit and talk with my family on weekends. Instead, guess where I am most of the time? Compliments if you guessed at work. Which is why it's becoming such a dread for me.
Day in day out I stand on my poor (stinky) feet in the shop, serving the rich (and nasty, the rich and nice, and the not-so-rich and nasty, and the not-so-rich and nice) customers who come into the shop. I've seen those bad cases of snob whereby customers speak in loud demanding tones. I've seen those bad cases of miscommunication whereby customers can't speak english, but try to. I've seen those bad cases of greed whereby customers (get this) DEMAND that they be given freebies, freebies and more freebies. Of course there are the pleasant customers who speak in pleasant tones, who joke around and are pleasantly nice. But still.
And then there are the colleagues. I love the colleagues, but they're not enough. Colleagues aren't like friends. Colleagues aren't like family. Colleagues aren't like the boy. Although maybe if I stay on they might become like friends. Okay actually they are like friends, they're lovely friends. Lovely people. But they're not people I love. (This is hard to put across. I can't seem to get it right.)
One thing I took away from the job is Learning From Mistakes. This holds especially true for this job because there were alot of mistakes I made, and the experiences taught me not to make them again. It's like most of the time I could feel my brain making mental notes about the mistakes made and how not to commit them ever again. Yea so I guess it was cool in that sense.
And I learnt alot. I really really learnt alot from the work I'd done in the shop. Not just about the spectacles, sunglasses and contact lenses that I deal with per se, I've learnt stuff about working life, about relationships, about the importance of time, about thrift, about tolerance, and plenty more. I like all that I have learnt, and I don't regret working this job, even though I have many complaints about it. But no regrets, overall, that is.
I feel like I've been brutally detached from my life since I'd started working at a certain optical shop in town. Most of the time I'm down. I'm literally bogged down by my job, and I don't want to stay there long enough to actually get used to it. I've got no time for my friends, my family, my blog, my xbox (I mean Phillip's xbox), my music, my books and all the other simple things that I'd really like to do, like watching a television programme that I really like, or to sit and talk with my family on weekends. Instead, guess where I am most of the time? Compliments if you guessed at work. Which is why it's becoming such a dread for me.
Day in day out I stand on my poor (stinky) feet in the shop, serving the rich (and nasty, the rich and nice, and the not-so-rich and nasty, and the not-so-rich and nice) customers who come into the shop. I've seen those bad cases of snob whereby customers speak in loud demanding tones. I've seen those bad cases of miscommunication whereby customers can't speak english, but try to. I've seen those bad cases of greed whereby customers (get this) DEMAND that they be given freebies, freebies and more freebies. Of course there are the pleasant customers who speak in pleasant tones, who joke around and are pleasantly nice. But still.
And then there are the colleagues. I love the colleagues, but they're not enough. Colleagues aren't like friends. Colleagues aren't like family. Colleagues aren't like the boy. Although maybe if I stay on they might become like friends. Okay actually they are like friends, they're lovely friends. Lovely people. But they're not people I love. (This is hard to put across. I can't seem to get it right.)
One thing I took away from the job is Learning From Mistakes. This holds especially true for this job because there were alot of mistakes I made, and the experiences taught me not to make them again. It's like most of the time I could feel my brain making mental notes about the mistakes made and how not to commit them ever again. Yea so I guess it was cool in that sense.
And I learnt alot. I really really learnt alot from the work I'd done in the shop. Not just about the spectacles, sunglasses and contact lenses that I deal with per se, I've learnt stuff about working life, about relationships, about the importance of time, about thrift, about tolerance, and plenty more. I like all that I have learnt, and I don't regret working this job, even though I have many complaints about it. But no regrets, overall, that is.
Monday, January 15, 2007
There's No Need for Apollo(gies).
Man.
You do crazy things.
You go ahead and do crazy things and then you attempt to reason your crazy behaviour with even crazier theories no they're not theories they're lame excuses.
You make excuses excuses excuses they're not even reasons they're excuses excuses excuses to serve as covers, as screens, as absolvents to cover up your blunder in darkness, to shield your mistakes from discriminating stares, to absolve yourself of all blame.
You lie, you cheat, you scream, you insist, you argue, you cry, you shout, you fight, you replay, you ask you ask you just keep asking why how when what what what now what now what you don't reflect you don't reflect you refuse to reflect you refuse to admit you remain unquestioning YOU DON'T REFLECT.
You start a project you think it's interesting you think it's interesting after one day you think it's interesting after one week you think it's interesting after one month but how about after one year your interest doesn't follow through your enthusiasm can fool no one you don't follow through and then you start all over again you and your crazy antics ideas gimmicks with your renewed enthusiasm you hook them in you ensnare them and you drop them.
You drop them. You forget them. You don't need them. You hang on to your existing ties and you come back only when you need them. Why? Why? You and your crazy ideas, your crazy behaviour, your nonsensical rants and your irrational thinking it drives drives drives others up the wall to the end into oblivion. You need to think you always have to think it gets you going you have to find the right path don't find excuses it's pathetic it's Pathetic it's PATHETIC. Get on your feet you have to find it search for it seek it. Be it.
You do crazy things.
You go ahead and do crazy things and then you attempt to reason your crazy behaviour with even crazier theories no they're not theories they're lame excuses.
You make excuses excuses excuses they're not even reasons they're excuses excuses excuses to serve as covers, as screens, as absolvents to cover up your blunder in darkness, to shield your mistakes from discriminating stares, to absolve yourself of all blame.
You lie, you cheat, you scream, you insist, you argue, you cry, you shout, you fight, you replay, you ask you ask you just keep asking why how when what what what now what now what you don't reflect you don't reflect you refuse to reflect you refuse to admit you remain unquestioning YOU DON'T REFLECT.
You start a project you think it's interesting you think it's interesting after one day you think it's interesting after one week you think it's interesting after one month but how about after one year your interest doesn't follow through your enthusiasm can fool no one you don't follow through and then you start all over again you and your crazy antics ideas gimmicks with your renewed enthusiasm you hook them in you ensnare them and you drop them.
You drop them. You forget them. You don't need them. You hang on to your existing ties and you come back only when you need them. Why? Why? You and your crazy ideas, your crazy behaviour, your nonsensical rants and your irrational thinking it drives drives drives others up the wall to the end into oblivion. You need to think you always have to think it gets you going you have to find the right path don't find excuses it's pathetic it's Pathetic it's PATHETIC. Get on your feet you have to find it search for it seek it. Be it.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
THE GEMINIDS ARE FALLING!!!
Whoohoo~! Hello everybody it's that time of the year again! Tomorrow happens to be the peak of the Gemini meteorite shower wheeee. It's like the most exciting event that I look forward to each year besides Christmas and New Year (because these events are spent with NINEPEE WHOOOOOO!)
I've compiled a list of necessary conditions and items to bring along while catching a meteorite shower.
1. NIGHT. Like duh. You can't see meteorites with your naked (Gawsh I lurrrve the wurd NAYKED.) eye during the day unless you're like some super being like Superman. And you've got to be somewhere dark really. At least where you can't see any light source within like 5 meters in front of you. That'd be good enough because Singapore's so heavily lit. Come to think of it the best place to be would really be at Lim Chu Kang. Not the cemetery, the campsite. It's really dark there and the best astronomical experience I'd had was there during the Secondary 3 camp.
2. CLEAR AND OPEN SKIES. This is super important because if the sky where you're at isn't clear, there's no point really, because all the meteors will be shooting by and all you'll be seeing will be clouds. Also no point if your entire view of the sky can be blocked by the back of a hobbit's hand. Okay I have no idea why I used that analogy, but anyway, you need a big sky.
3. GROUNDSHEETS. This would be absolutely necessary unless you have a better alternative like a sofa or a bed or a sofabed. Oh well. Nah that's rubbish why would you find any bed-like item in a dark open place? Ooh. Kinky. But anyway, groundsheets are vital because they're meant to be spread on the ground for you to lie on. It can be tiring having to bend your head skywards for the duration of the night. Trust me I've been there. JUST LIE ON THE BLOODY GROUND.
4. WARM CLOTHES. No you really wouldn't want to freeze under the sky. It can get reeeeally reeeally cold at night. Ask the Winter Melon if you don't believe. Bring warm woolly socks too! They come in handy. Don't be lazy just do it. (HEAR THAT DONGUA?!)
5. GOOD COMPANY. whoohoo with good company, even if you aren't interested in the sky, you've got good reason to lie on the ground. Oh hoho, sorry I can't lend 9P to you guys. Go find your own.
WAHHAAHAHAHA I love lists. Anyway you should be discerning in whatever you read to judge for yourself what is rubbish and what isn't. Basically I'm rubbish. But that doesn't mean that every single thing I say is rubbish. Okay I think I'm emotionally unstable I should so totally go and be a Goth. ;) Okay that was rubbish.
ENJOY THE GEMINIDS!!!!!!!
I've compiled a list of necessary conditions and items to bring along while catching a meteorite shower.
1. NIGHT. Like duh. You can't see meteorites with your naked (Gawsh I lurrrve the wurd NAYKED.) eye during the day unless you're like some super being like Superman. And you've got to be somewhere dark really. At least where you can't see any light source within like 5 meters in front of you. That'd be good enough because Singapore's so heavily lit. Come to think of it the best place to be would really be at Lim Chu Kang. Not the cemetery, the campsite. It's really dark there and the best astronomical experience I'd had was there during the Secondary 3 camp.
2. CLEAR AND OPEN SKIES. This is super important because if the sky where you're at isn't clear, there's no point really, because all the meteors will be shooting by and all you'll be seeing will be clouds. Also no point if your entire view of the sky can be blocked by the back of a hobbit's hand. Okay I have no idea why I used that analogy, but anyway, you need a big sky.
3. GROUNDSHEETS. This would be absolutely necessary unless you have a better alternative like a sofa or a bed or a sofabed. Oh well. Nah that's rubbish why would you find any bed-like item in a dark open place? Ooh. Kinky. But anyway, groundsheets are vital because they're meant to be spread on the ground for you to lie on. It can be tiring having to bend your head skywards for the duration of the night. Trust me I've been there. JUST LIE ON THE BLOODY GROUND.
4. WARM CLOTHES. No you really wouldn't want to freeze under the sky. It can get reeeeally reeeally cold at night. Ask the Winter Melon if you don't believe. Bring warm woolly socks too! They come in handy. Don't be lazy just do it. (HEAR THAT DONGUA?!)
5. GOOD COMPANY. whoohoo with good company, even if you aren't interested in the sky, you've got good reason to lie on the ground. Oh hoho, sorry I can't lend 9P to you guys. Go find your own.
WAHHAAHAHAHA I love lists. Anyway you should be discerning in whatever you read to judge for yourself what is rubbish and what isn't. Basically I'm rubbish. But that doesn't mean that every single thing I say is rubbish. Okay I think I'm emotionally unstable I should so totally go and be a Goth. ;) Okay that was rubbish.
ENJOY THE GEMINIDS!!!!!!!
Friday, December 08, 2006
People In Life 1
--- Carolyn is my sister. She's eight years older than me, and most of the time people react to this by raising their eyebrows and remarking "Wah, the age gap so big ah?" She's pretty, and this is confirmed by all the stares she gets from men and women alike when she goes on the streets. Carolyn is a Christmas baby, and that makes her all the more special to me. I always tell her how lucky she is to receive twice the presents on her birthday, and she always pretends to cry and say "Boohoo who on their birthday still must give presents to other people one?"
When we were young we used to play and quarrel. We don't quarrel now, not at all and I think it's amazing. We still call each other names like idiot and moron for fun, and she behaves like a kid most of the time when we're together. haha. We still game on the xbox together, and yes we do things together. She has Joe now, the guy she's going to get married to, and I think they're going to be really happy together. Occasionally I feel neglected because she's always out with Joe, (the past two weeks when Joe was in Australia was the most homey she's ever been in a very long time) but it is always made up with bonding sessions in each others' room.
People tell me that she and I are extraordinarily close, but most of the time I just think to myself "This is how sisters should be." Carolyn guides me through life. She's always there to advise me on tough stuff. She has expectations of me, and more often then not I think I fail them, being the big loser that I always have been. Sigh. More and more I feel like she's shaping my life. I don't mean it in a bad way, in fact I think the future seems more secure like that, but sometimes I do feel like she's moulding my life in her footsteps. And maybe that's not what I really want. I always tell her not to pay for my meals and movie tickets and karaoke expenses when we go out but she still does it anyway, even though she's currently saving up for her wedding next year. I guess to her I'll always be her kid sister and to me she'll always be my dajie. I feel a tinge of sadness when I think of her wedding and I know it will be soon that she moves out and start a new phase of her life. But I'm happy that she can finally get that pet dog we both have been wanting! Haha. And on top of that I'm happy that she can finally really lead a life of her own, and start a family.
There's so much more about her that I can go on about but...
I LOVE MY SISTER!
That just sums up all that I have to say.
When we were young we used to play and quarrel. We don't quarrel now, not at all and I think it's amazing. We still call each other names like idiot and moron for fun, and she behaves like a kid most of the time when we're together. haha. We still game on the xbox together, and yes we do things together. She has Joe now, the guy she's going to get married to, and I think they're going to be really happy together. Occasionally I feel neglected because she's always out with Joe, (the past two weeks when Joe was in Australia was the most homey she's ever been in a very long time) but it is always made up with bonding sessions in each others' room.
People tell me that she and I are extraordinarily close, but most of the time I just think to myself "This is how sisters should be." Carolyn guides me through life. She's always there to advise me on tough stuff. She has expectations of me, and more often then not I think I fail them, being the big loser that I always have been. Sigh. More and more I feel like she's shaping my life. I don't mean it in a bad way, in fact I think the future seems more secure like that, but sometimes I do feel like she's moulding my life in her footsteps. And maybe that's not what I really want. I always tell her not to pay for my meals and movie tickets and karaoke expenses when we go out but she still does it anyway, even though she's currently saving up for her wedding next year. I guess to her I'll always be her kid sister and to me she'll always be my dajie. I feel a tinge of sadness when I think of her wedding and I know it will be soon that she moves out and start a new phase of her life. But I'm happy that she can finally get that pet dog we both have been wanting! Haha. And on top of that I'm happy that she can finally really lead a life of her own, and start a family.
There's so much more about her that I can go on about but...
I LOVE MY SISTER!
That just sums up all that I have to say.
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