Screwit.

No Happy Friend, it's not enough that I ranted to you on MSN, I have to rant about it here too.

I'm going to Bintan tomorrow, and every inch of me screams reluctance. If it wasn't on account that I've known her for the longest time, I wouldn't even have considered before rejecting such an invitation. But at the same time it's also precisely because I've known her for the longest time that all the more I feel like I should reject her invitation.

I don't like that it's such a disorganised trip. It's the first time I'm going away to some place I don't know much about because she didn't tell us the details. Of course I know to look it up in the net, but that's not what I'm talking about. No itinerary, no details about the place we're staying in, no update on when and where to meet, no idea about when the ferry is going to leave Singapore etc. That's not planning, that's more like booking a trip for the whole lot and leaving it at that. Seriously, I can so picture what we're gonna do there, we're just gonna muck around in the sun. I'm just gonna sleep the 2 days away so that I don't have to socialise, or eat any 12 dollar per plate fish and chips which I'm sure won't be value for money. It's really just another touristy place like Sentosa where they knock the cash off visitors.

I don't like that I'm going with people I'm not familiar with. I don't even know half of the people going. Like heck I am going to enjoy making new friends on a two day trip and then say goodbye and never see them again forever. It's not even worth the bloody EFFort.

I don't like that I'm going to have to listen to mundane talk that people might throw at me. Heck, I get that a lot from her anyway. I am not interested, get it? I don't care if you think I'm 'gonna faint if you wear super short shorts and a silver bikini top' which screams LOOK AT ME or if it was your 'guy frens who asked you to buy the shorts because they think you look weird in longer shorts'. Honestly I don't give a damn. Why are you telling me all these mundane stuff? How does it help repair our diminishing friendship? It does nothing for me, and it probably stokes your vanity a little, and really, just go find someone else to tell these things to.

I am kicking myself really hard right now for being stupid enough to agree to go.

Stark Moments

This morning I awoke to the fact that I can be a judgmental person at times. More so towards my closer friends.

This morning I realised that emptiness is a horrid feeling to deal with. Without school I am hollowed, like I'm not getting the fulfillment I should be getting from my self as a student. It's screwed up how I understand that, but still refuse to attend school.

I'm probably the most lazy and irresponsible person I'll ever know.

Softly Now.

I don't like reading about people's breakups because it gets me all choked and soft inside, and it makes me go "why does love die?" and all the hairs on my arms stand.

I was reading random blogs and I was touched by some entries. On certain blogs it was like witnessing this generic story unfolding, from how they were really sweet in the beginning, of which the happiness accumulated through times spent on public transport, randomly making up words that were understood by only two people, family dinners, mutual support during trying times, giving and receiving second chances and the sorts, end up forgotten in a conclusive "I know we won't be happy because I wouldn't be happy."

It's pretty confounding how these things work.