When Bessie Barges In, I Know it's Time to Sleep.

University is an expensive affair, not to mention tiring. Why would someone pay so much to tire oneself out? It's not like when you're working, because when you work, you get tired, but you're earning money. When you attend university, you get tired, and at the same time you're spending money. You don't know for sure if it can be considered a long term investment, because that very degree you're studying for doesn't exactly render you fabulous career options, neither does it do much to increase your workforce value. There isn't much demand in society for an English Literature Major is there? ):

Why, you're not even sure you can graduate with a degree in the first place. Shucks. Don't you hate it when reality hits you hard on the head. Now it all feels like a total waste of time and money. Think of all the things you could have accomplished with the money you could have earned if you weren't in university. Talk about opportunity cost. Now it all sounds like economics to me.

Which shows that education does come in handy in random points of life. Which then shines new light on aforementioned-- I'm not attending school for nothing! *throws arms in air for joy* I bet that in some distant future the need to discuss Kuo Pao Kun/ Heart of Darkness/ Romanticism/ Jane Eyre etc with a random whoever will arise, and when that time comes, I'd look back at this entry and laugh and say "HA who said university was a waste of time! See what I took out of school with me! I just had a heated debate with Random Whoever about the sexual orientation of Oscar Wilde!" after which I'd break down and cry. (Oh. Run-on line, what did the teachers use to say about run-ons huh? HUH?!) Ack.

I suddenly lost the ability to conclude therefore this entry will end hanging. (What did teachers say about not concluding huh? HUH?!)

This is When I Suddenly Realise.

I have seen you for what you are
You are no longer a mystery.
Goodbye, goodbye
You must now leave.

This is it. This is the end to the long silences and the intense stares. When you expose too much you risk over-exposure. And when you're over-exposed it's like you're stripped down half-naked in public, it's a free show for all. And now that borders uncomfortably along the lines of indecent exposure, depending on which half of the body you prefer to think is naked.

Sometimes I think I need bigger eyes, to really look at things for what they are in reality, and not past them to something beyond that doesn't really reflect the truth.

This part of my life is called bad judgment.

Sick Sad Little World.

Something is wrong with the world when at any point in time in your cosy circle of close friends you have more sad friends than happy ones.



Recently the number of sad friends in my cosy circle has been increasing. And it's heartwrenching that when we meet up, they do such a good job of keeping their feelings under wraps, their faces straight or even smiling, such that I can't seem to detect the possible undercurrents of sadness that they might be feeling inside. Which makes me feel quite lousy when I find out after that they'd been putting up brave fronts. I admire them because they're considerate about other people around them which makes me love them even more because they must be feeling very crappy inside. ): My lovely friends deserve better.



"If I had one ray of sunlight to hold in my hand
Maybe we can be happy again."



Rachie sent me this Phantom Planet song while we were in J1 if I remember correctly. And I think of her when I listen to it. She's currently in Australia, and feeling unwell. ): At times like this I am helpless, and all I can do is to tell her to drink more water and get sufficient sleep, which is hardly any comfort. It must be hard on her, and all I can take comfort in is that at least there is the Beng to take care of her. She's coming back on 30th June, which is about one month from now, and I am looking forward to that. The last time she came back for a period of two months we only met like what, 3 times? I know it was so silly.



Previously, on Tuesday I went cycling with Yanni at Sentosa in a weak attempt to take her mind off stuff. I realised cycling is an activity that allows you think more about stuff. My bad. Although she said she had fun at the end of the day, it still made me feel kinda bad, especially after I read what she wrote, that she was actually hurting a lot inside. She is silently resilient like that. What she wrote made me face up to the fact that perhaps our friendship needed a bit of tweaking and repairing. I'm going to work on it because after all like she said, 十三年半的友情绝对不是蓋的。I don't even know what the second last character means, but I figured it probably translates to something like, thirteen and a half years of friendship definitely is for real. (Enlightenment anyone?) Sometimes, the way I look at this relationship, we are like a married couple with kids, and we know that the other one is around at close proximity, but we just don't see that need to reach out to each other. Yanni is my oldest friend, and I have known her for more than half my life, and all I know is that I have to be there for her.



Anita, the one who has the world on her shoulders to bear. Some time back, I had the revelation that she's the strongest person I ever knew. Don't be fooled by her whiny antics and her ah lian appearance. I think most people don't have an inkling of the things she has to go through. It's pretty amazing how she does it, and I know that she's not getting much help. From Anita I learnt that things happen when they want to, and all you can do is to face them head on. By the strength that she thinks she does not have, I am secretly inspired, because in obscure and strange ways, I see it in her. Some of you must be thinking, "What can Anita possibly be going through? I've been through much worse in MY life." This is where some of you may be wrong. Or this might be where I am wrong to think that most of you couldn't have been through what Anita is having to go through right now. But from what I know, Anita deserves much, much better. Salute, and a big pat on the back for her!



Went out with jiawen, poon and evey last Saturday. Jiawen was her usual crappy and crazy self. I swear being with them brings out the noisy side of me. Well, YES I AM USUALLY QUIET and I will push you to the ground if you disagree. So anyway, I think jiawen was probably troubled over certain stuff, but the way she carried herself that night was admirable. She was positively sprightly, and proactive, trying to secure every chance she has to achieve what she wanted. I know whatever she's going through must be disheartening, I know for sure that if it happened to me I'll lock myself in the room and sleep for one whole week before I come to terms with it, but that's not jiawen to mope about. I know we don't meet up very often, but I enjoy every moment that we do.



Have been meeting up with skippy a few times, and this lamo never fails to make me laugh each time. She doesn't wear her hurt on her face, and is forever making lame jokes that I lamely laugh at. Haha. I know. It's a certain vibe cultivated by 7 years of friendship that runs through the 9pees. I still think it's pretty amazing really. With skippy it's not easy to convince her that she can do better than that. But in reality we all think that she can, and we are sometimes exasperated because we can't seem to successfully put that across to her. I think that being in TP dance has changed her tremendously. Skippy doesn't voice out the distress that she is experiencing when she is out with us, neither does she let it affect her and in turn affecting us. Sometimes there are glimmers which hint that she had let down her guard for a moment there, but most of the time they come and go as quickly, and all at once she is looking at you with normalcy on her face again. What I think she needs now is time, a LOT of time. And really skippy, THE NEXT ONE WILL BE BETTER.





Everyone I know can be my greatest inspiration at times.

I've Got the Dreamer's Disease.

I lost track of the number of times I pressed down on the shutter only to miss the lightning.This is when I finally succeed.

You know how sometimes when you say something unkind to someone, and you see that the person actually recoils with with hurt, and all at once you know that you've just said the wrong thing. The recoiling part makes me very uncomfortable, it's as if your words take on a physical form. I didn't think they were being literal when they said "your words dealt him a blow."
I try not to say things which hurt. Unless I'm so close to you that I'm all comfortable when I'm with you, let down my guard, and say things which I don't process beforehand. For which I am sorry, because I definitely wouldn't deliberately hurt anyone I'm close to.

School's starting in a few days, and for some reason I'm feeling nervous about it. I think it's the thought of having to make new friends in tutorial classes all over again. (Now that makes me sound superficial. But I'm pretty comfortable with the friends I made last semester. I hope we can attend lectures and have lunches together.) On second thoughts, I'm sure the nerves come from the thought of the impending workload that is coming my way. (Sounds less superficial now, doesn't it?)

I suspect Yanni's trying to turn me into an Ah Lian because she got me all these blings as my Birthday and Christmas presents. I actually already own the exact same music note pendant, but I stopped wearing it after like about 7 times. But of course I still like it.When she gave it to me it was a pleasant surprise because I saw it as a sign of how well she knew my taste.

I guess some things don't have to be said out loud.

I think my sister predicted my New Year's resolution, thus the watch. Don't you just love siblings who can read your mind? I love it because it's super pretty, and it has bling! And most importantly it somehow serves as a reminder of responsibility. It's some weird waves that I pick up from the watch.
I love my sister and brother-in-law.

That yellow happy thing is actually a tissue box from Melmel. I can't bear to use the tissues from it to blow my nose or to wipe icky things off the table. It's too cute for that. I shall use those tissues to wipe only perfume off my hands in the event that it gets on them in the first place, thus giving me scented tissue which I will put in my bag, which will then make my bag smell good.
The angel is also from Melmel, and it's about the sweetest thing that I ever received. It caused me to tear because it was really touching.
The words read:

"Travelling Angel

Whenever you travel,
be it near of far.
This angel
will guard you
wherever you are."

To me, it's beautiful, like everything else Melmel is.

This is very lovely and meaningful because Jas did it all by herself from scratch! Right from the title, to the groovy layout of the pictures, down to the individual captions. And it charts our growth, and our friendship. I shall proudly display it in the file that I bring to school.
"A picture speaks a thousand words."
These pictures do so much more. They capture memories, and narrate 7 years of invaluable friendship.

Thank you jas, you mean so much to me.

What better way to start the New Year then to do thanksgiving. Of course there's more, but Bessie's calling me to dinner, and my stomach is willing me to go. So go I will, to consume my dinner. It's YongTauFoo Bessie Cooked that I like so much. (:

Oh yes, my bedsheet is lime green.