Injections - Withdrawals.

Today the three universities-- NTU, NUS and SMU, came to Saint Andrew's Junior College to promote themselves. And the little worm of doubt crawled about in my head screaming "WHAT IF YOU CANNOT MAKE IT TO UNIVERSITY WITH YOUR LOUSY GRADES?!!" But it must have gotten squashed by my huge brain when I fell asleep because when I woke up it was all quiet up there.

Today I slapped my classmates with a "I Don't Wanna Go For Econs Tutorial" tantrum after assembly because, ah well, simply because I Didn't Wanna Go For Econs Tutorial and a huge part being that I did only the first question of the case study (only to find that it was wrong later on). So you see, this is somebody who openly announces that she doesn't want to go for class. It seems to be the only thing on my mind that I feel comfortable and totally at ease voicing out. Oh well.

My speakers are making random ticking noises I think there might be two crabs living in there. Oh well. So much for trying to find a reason for everything.

To dear Kimmies; I feel really upset for you that you couldn't get what you wanted. Life thinks it can treat us like we're dirt and come along some time or another and take away stuff that are dear to us but it is wrong! You will fight back by getting excellent results for Block Test 2 and Prelims and finally for the A Levels and SAJC is so going to regret taking that chance away from you. I have never seen another person more passionate about math seriously and I think if it's anybody who deserves that S paper it's YOU. But more than that I really admire your courage in facing it because if it was me in your shoes I would have remained so so so gloomy for the entire day that all you'd see of Vanessa is a dark cloud storming around and picking on every single thing that stands in her way. But you didn't, and in fact you cheered up really really quickly. You made the effort to be happy and I think that required alot of the stuff that makes up a strong character. You are the best in math. We all know that. I LOVE YOU FOREVER! :)

To George; Having the gut feeling that you'd do badly for one history examination doesn't make you someone who cannot do history. Well I mean, it doesn't mean that if I buy two gigantic shirts by mistake I'm so going to continue buying gigantic shirts all my life does it? We all know that your history is the tops. And that is undeniable. (*Voiceover with VIKI* My logic is undeniable) Being down once doesn't mean you simply continue being down the rest of your life. What matters is you pick yourself up and move on and I am absolutely sure that you will do just that. Go go historiconomist go! :)

To Anita; Hahaha idiot. Don't get jealous just because I want to sit beside Kim in lectures. No la no la. I shall not be mean to you in my blog because it doesn't give you a chance to defend yourself and tags are basically pretty useless because there's only so much you can type. Don't be disheartened for math dear, because you always have economics to back you up! And although sometimes in the morning my mood may seem very down, (okay okay what sometimes, most of the time I mean) don't take it personally okay because I'm just pissed that I have to be at the track for morning assembly in the sweltering heat and listen to people like Canon Joshua (now that sounds like a certain brand of camera) talk about how we are ONE TEAM SAJC, and rattle off tales about his past, and reveal his age in the most subtle manner, and claim that he isn't old, and then reiterate that we are ONE TEAM SAJC, and tell more stories.. okay you get the point. I don't particularly like morning assembly you see. But leave me for a while and I'll be okay after that! And then you always wait for my bus to come before you get on to yours! Haha that's so nice of you! But then hor, it makes me feel bad one okay, so I suggest next time we alternate la! :) Hahah. And although I dumped you in the past right, I still have a leeeeeettle beeeeeet of feelings for you la, (kim you are still the one for me! ;D) so if you want we can secretly get back together behind kim's back? What say you my love? :)

To Weiwei; HAHA the super crappy one. Today in class make all the disgusting WET FARTING noises ah! Then still laugh laugh laugh ah, having so much fun right! haha that's the thing about you though, always laughing. Ahha. And then today you had a headache because of GP right? I tell you ah, don't stress too much okay. After that it got much better because it turned out to be interesting! You are one hardworking girl and everybody can see that! So you must persevere and your efforts confirm will pay off one okay! Confirm one. Canoeing is your passion and I firmly believe that nobody can and should deprive you of that. Not even your parents, tell you what la, if they make you quit canoeing right, you just beg and beg and beg and beg them to let you continue until BT2 ah, and then you SHOW THEM that you can DO IT! YES! YOU CAN! And then until BT2 over already right, it will be canoeing season already ma, so it all works out perfectly. Yay! Brilliance I say. Muacks to you darls. :)

To Cam; Must put all the superhardworking ones together. Your history not bad one right? See that's where hardwork get you. You should rub some hardworkingness on to me. Ah. Mentoring Chairman! The one who does all her tutorials and assignments. It scares me sometimes. And the one who likes to make WEIRD NOISES during lessons. Haha. I think you're in love with Jesus. It's a good thing really, that you have stoic faith in religion. Well, in fact you have stoic faith in everything. Just like how you think everybody can do math. No, that is WRONG, do not ever think that way. And do not ever dissuade me in dropring math. Oh. I just realised that you won't even be reading this. Ah well.

At this point I'm getting sleepy. So I think I'll stop here for today. Be sure to come back for "Injections - Withdrawals Part II"!

Oh and I am so excited about guitar lesson next tuesday because I have decided that my guitar teacher's super hot. *sizzle zizzle* And he HELD MY HAND!!! haha to show me how to hold a pick. Actually I think it's just because he wanted to hold my hand. =D sigh.
He's hot. I melt.

This is a happy entry that is dedicated to kimmies cause she says that I need to inject some happiness into this blog! And oh I just watch the two hour special episode of Lost II and it was so exciting I think I left my heart somewhere in the jungle island. Good night for now! :)

Sobani Ite

Sobani ite means to walk on. And to walk on means to oh well, go forward. Any song that uses that phrase always tugs at my heartstrings because it is something I know I cannot do, and need to learn how to. It doesn't sound all that difficult to move forward, but somehow I think the burden's too heavy. Yes I do need to learn how to let go of stuff.

Over the past week I've been thinking a lot about stuff. By rights this blog should have been updated many many times but I have decided to consolidate all those random thoughts in just one entry. *Joy joy* What delight to find that I am applying comprehension skills in daily life.

I should stop treating my friends like punching bags. Whenever I'm feeling down in school it seems like I get so self-absorbed that I start to treat the people around me like they're non-existent or something. I get all attitudal and I don't think I wanna be around me when I'm having a rough patch. All my friends are super nice people and I don't think they deserve to be treated the way they are just because I'm having a bad time.
I need anger management classes.

If life was a taste my tastebuds wouldn't be able to detect it. How many of you have lost the taste for life? I'm not sure about you, but I think nowadays life for me has been very purpose driven-- I'm trying to find a purpose in life. What an irony. My life currently is akin to my Friendster account; pointless. Why live life when there's no point in it? I have taken to reading multiple books at once. Maybe it's the stigma of the block tests, having not read excessively and sufficiently in preparation, my mind sees the need to make up for the lack of mental exercise that usually comes before the body sits for an examination. Like I said, I have taken to reading multiple books and although it seems highly likely that the plots get all mixed up, they don't.

And it's a good feeling to read.

And on to the one that perpetually plagues me. Close friends of Vanessa will know who she's talking about. Let's just call him R. Now I believe there isn't a need for any introduction to this mystery person who has been dominating my thoughts for the past nine days (or the past month, to be specific). I hate to admit this but I have been thinking excessively about him. R is important to me, but not to the extent that other friends get slighted. It's just that we haven't been talking much of late and I just wonder if it was something I did wrong. Or maybe he's just too tired out from work. But anyway it doesn't really matter that much now because it took a very much shorter time to get over him this time compared to the last. I take it that it's a good sign. Heck, it sure is tiring being his friend. Our shared friendship tells me that he's a dynamic individual. And maybe the relationship has stagnated. Just the other day dongua was telling me that it was nice that R had started out as a total stranger and now become a friend who shares stuff. Or in her words, "... and he was the boy at the RJ campfire who was standing at the balcony staring up at the sky and you were the girl who was standing below staring at him." Well, correction here, I wasn't standing below the balcony, it was datou who saw him and called me dear dongua. Dang, I'd missed seeing him in his possibly most suave moment. Ah well. I guess what's behind must be left behind.

And maybe I've had enough.

God's Debris by Scott Adams proposed that hypothetically, the past isn't real because it does not have a physical form and it isn't something that can be considered to be physical reality. "Like the Easter Bunny, the past only exists in your mind, likewise, the future exists only in your mind because it has not happened." I think we all need to empty our minds periodically. But how is it possible to get rid of something that is unreal. Just like how time isn't real because there isn't a way to prove that time exists. We all think that time has passed because there are changes and if time is defined as essentially being the changes that has happened universally then I'd say that time is generally a very relative concept isn't it. What is time really? Why are there dog-years and human-years? Is time a totally different concept for dogs? Oh well. Burning questions that sear my curiosity and possibly impend my learning in school because they make the school syllabus look all the more duller now. Shit to education I say.

So you say the past isn't real.

Today I had pasta for dinner and it had a piece of round piece egg white on top that I thought was cheese. I guess this teaches us that you never know what is in store until you take a closer look and chew on it that you get the clearest picture. Okay this is so pointless, like my life.

I finally own a guitar. It's red and it's pretty. I shall call it cherrystone or something.

I feel so liberated. Hear me whoop for joy.

Hi It Is Me

Donny wonders if the glass chess pieces on the glass chess board would eventually shatter.
Glass breaks under pressure, and broken glass injure. Injuries heal, but Donny's mouth might be stitched up and the stitches might never come undone. Might. Mental strength is big might. And that is what Donny lacks.
The dam does not seem to be able to hold out for long.
What about the dam Donny wonders. Donny will push the water back, but Donny is only human, and a resurrected one at that. Donny can swim in waters, Donny can also drink water, but Donny cannot overcome water. Sadly. Water is good for health, althought it can go down wrong ways excessively.
The newspaper is lying on the floor, spread across.




Donny's heart goes out to You, who is reading this. Dear You, as long as you have friends, all is fine. Donny will be your friend if you don't. But Donny might be cautious.




Donny wants to pick them up, but the wind keeps blowing them about.
Maybe they are there for a reason, maybe the wind blows for a reason.



Chaos Theory goes vaguely like this. The occurence of disasters, even small, every-day ones, happen in a pattern that can be calculated using arithmatic. And that when your toast falls on the buttered side, it is just following the pattern. Or something like that. I read about it like a long way back and it's kinda messed up.


"Goooooooooodbyeeee myyyyy love"


Maybe Donny should quit talking to aliens.

Monkeynesian.

Now let's take a minute to think about what we are doing to this world. The primary school science syllabus taught me that global warming is bad. It causes a general increase in temperatures around the world and this is turn causes the ice caps to melt and to flood any low lying areas in the world, causing people to die. The secondary school syllabus taught me that global warming is essentially the greenhouse effect in magnified intensity, and that the greenhouse effect is actually good because it keeps the earth from freezing up and becoming as cold as it is out there in the universe. It also taught me that global warming is a result of what Man is doing under the watchful eyes of Mother Nature on her territory itself. The audacity of it. We release carbon dioxide like nobody's business and it combines with other gases in the atmosphere to form a *KEYWORD! KEYWORD* blanket of gases that surrounds the earth and reflects heat back to the surface of earth. Because of Man's actions, this blanket has become so thick that more and more heat is being reflected back at earth. And this saddens me so. The junior college school syllabus teaches me nuts because I do not take Geography/Science. But then, Time magazine (WHERE IS MY TIME MAGAZINE I SAY!) teaches me that due to global warming, more and more frogs are dying off because their permeable skin that allows them to detect slight changes in temperature. The increase in temperature means that their body gets hotter and I think it screws up their entire system. (I SAID I NEED MY TIME MAGAZINE!) Well, my facts aren't very that accurate because I cannot seem to find that particular issue, but it is sufficient to know that GLOBAL WARMING KILLS OFF FROGS.
And I have taken a liking to frogs due to the cute pictures printed in the Time magazine along with the article. Therefore, to protect the frogs on planet Earth, I shall become a strong advocator of the "STOP GLOBAL WARMING BECAUSE IT KILLS OFF FROGS" (SGWBIKOF) movement and will attempt to stop the next person sitting beside me in the MRT from breathing out in long breaths because that increases the carbon dioxide count in the air.

Like a week before I was sitting at the bus stop waiting for my bus to come when I saw this girl in the bus caressing the EZ-link card reader. It struck me as odd, uncanny in fact, to have such an unusual fetish. Maybe she was trying to induce an electric shock that would in turn put her in a state of heightened senses and okay nevermind I don't see where this is going. heh heh heh.

Today I took an afternoon nap and I had a Wonderful dream. I would have to say that it was the most fabulous dream I have ever ever had. I dreamt of an ice cream making machine that could make ice cream of ANY AND EVERY FLAVOUR!! Like it had six compartments for you to make six flavours at one time! I had M&Ms, chocolate flakes and what else I forgot. But it was so cool(haha pun intended but okay okay *throws hands up in the air*) and yummy and all. The machine even produced this 3D sculpture made of a really really thin chocholate sheet and it had the most wonderfantabudelicioustic taste EVER! wow! I could taste it in my dream! THE BESTEST DREAM EVER. And can you believe it I actually woke up with my mouth full of saliva I got the shock of my life. Like I have never woken up with a mouthful of saliva before and this was one powerful dream. And evidently (luckily) I sleep with my mouth closed if not imagine where all that saliva would have gone to, definitely not on the floor, that would have been easy to clean. But it was a good dream and I was happy for a moment as I went to spit out all the saliva and went back to sleep.

Come to think of it I vaguely remember a part about Mister JayQ. But ah well whatever. :D

The IQ test website is still sending me mail addressed to Eshik. I have unsuscribed myself from their mailing list.
I AM NOT ESHIK GODDAMN IT.
Everybody out there have a good day! :)

Of Running and Riding.

Maybe one day you will wake up to find that life has been a joke all this while, and that what you have had firm belief in had just crumbled away like the beaches under the impact of a Tsunami. All of a sudden the only thing left is nothingness, and yet at the same time the nightmares are still there. They are only beginning to come true.
The workload that you have is tearing away at your life bit by bit, little by little. Your clothes don't feel like they've been washed clean, starched and ironed. Everything is weighing you down, but you have to make an effort to move on. To fucking get on with life.
No no, I'm not angry. I'm just pissed that I'm living in Singapore. I should be smoking pot and doing time instead of studying. Maybe I'll just smoke, doing time doesn't sound so pleasant. No wait, I'm not even studying that much now. I guess I'm just wasting time. And when one has too much time one tends to update one's blog. But actually I do not have too much time, I just don't really care what happens when I do not use my time wisely. I should be studying for my history test really. But like Jas puts it, heart is willing but body is not. Nah actually my heart isn't that willing either.
Last thursday 9P was supposed to meet up. And I got really upset that stuff happened. And it made me rethink what 9P meant to me. Yes I guess it is correct when you say that there is nothing I can do about it because I cannot force people to go out with me. Maybe all I can do is to buy a hundred bucks worth of bread/cake and throw at them like Raymond says. But then again I do not have a hundred bucks to spend on bread so I guess I'll just have to leave them alone for a while.
I think maybe it's a cool thing to turn eighteen. And then again I think maybe it's not. I don't know my stand on turning eighteen, but whatever, it's not like I can stop it from happening whether I think about it or not. Gee, this age issue is really getting to me, and I'm only seventeen years old.
Well as they put it, we only miss what we have lost when we have lost it. I think I am missing my secondary school days.
All the sand from the beach is sinking to the bottom of the sea. Maybe one day it will all accumulate to form a tiny island. No doubt it will take a long time, but the island formed will withstand all winds, waves and tsunamis. Well at least hopefully. But for now we're sinking sinking sinking sinking sinking.



P.S. An IQ test that I took sent me an email addressed to Eshik. I think it thinks that my name is Eshik. Maybe I should take on the name.