Things You Didn't Know about Your Friends...

..which you suddenly learn about them through their blogs. Today I saw a sensitive side of a friend that I'd never seen before. Which isn't surprising considering I've only known her for, oh, close to two years. But I only see her for at most 5 hours per week on average, so it's not much chance to have long talks and whatnots.

I was really touched by her entries and it made her feel more real as a person with emotions and feelings as compared to rather aloof-and-in-control one that I'd been accustomed to. Well, in a way I think it's quite a pity that I haven't taken the effort to get to know her more, but hey it's never too late right? Yes that's right.

So things have been slightly awful, which shouldn't be a surprise because one part of me is convinced that I am damned to rot in the deepest levels of academic hell, but another part of me is saying that salvation is still an option, and going to school definitely isn't.
So once again I am going to try and clean up my act, and hopefully this will be the last you hear of me lamenting about my less than brilliant pursuits in academic excellence.

Screwit.

No Happy Friend, it's not enough that I ranted to you on MSN, I have to rant about it here too.

I'm going to Bintan tomorrow, and every inch of me screams reluctance. If it wasn't on account that I've known her for the longest time, I wouldn't even have considered before rejecting such an invitation. But at the same time it's also precisely because I've known her for the longest time that all the more I feel like I should reject her invitation.

I don't like that it's such a disorganised trip. It's the first time I'm going away to some place I don't know much about because she didn't tell us the details. Of course I know to look it up in the net, but that's not what I'm talking about. No itinerary, no details about the place we're staying in, no update on when and where to meet, no idea about when the ferry is going to leave Singapore etc. That's not planning, that's more like booking a trip for the whole lot and leaving it at that. Seriously, I can so picture what we're gonna do there, we're just gonna muck around in the sun. I'm just gonna sleep the 2 days away so that I don't have to socialise, or eat any 12 dollar per plate fish and chips which I'm sure won't be value for money. It's really just another touristy place like Sentosa where they knock the cash off visitors.

I don't like that I'm going with people I'm not familiar with. I don't even know half of the people going. Like heck I am going to enjoy making new friends on a two day trip and then say goodbye and never see them again forever. It's not even worth the bloody EFFort.

I don't like that I'm going to have to listen to mundane talk that people might throw at me. Heck, I get that a lot from her anyway. I am not interested, get it? I don't care if you think I'm 'gonna faint if you wear super short shorts and a silver bikini top' which screams LOOK AT ME or if it was your 'guy frens who asked you to buy the shorts because they think you look weird in longer shorts'. Honestly I don't give a damn. Why are you telling me all these mundane stuff? How does it help repair our diminishing friendship? It does nothing for me, and it probably stokes your vanity a little, and really, just go find someone else to tell these things to.

I am kicking myself really hard right now for being stupid enough to agree to go.

Stark Moments

This morning I awoke to the fact that I can be a judgmental person at times. More so towards my closer friends.

This morning I realised that emptiness is a horrid feeling to deal with. Without school I am hollowed, like I'm not getting the fulfillment I should be getting from my self as a student. It's screwed up how I understand that, but still refuse to attend school.

I'm probably the most lazy and irresponsible person I'll ever know.

Softly Now.

I don't like reading about people's breakups because it gets me all choked and soft inside, and it makes me go "why does love die?" and all the hairs on my arms stand.

I was reading random blogs and I was touched by some entries. On certain blogs it was like witnessing this generic story unfolding, from how they were really sweet in the beginning, of which the happiness accumulated through times spent on public transport, randomly making up words that were understood by only two people, family dinners, mutual support during trying times, giving and receiving second chances and the sorts, end up forgotten in a conclusive "I know we won't be happy because I wouldn't be happy."

It's pretty confounding how these things work.

Rantings of a Retard

Today I was being absolutely moronic by wailing and wailing while we were stepping into the house, utterly disgracing my parents because there were neighbours coming downstairs.

"Oi, siao ah."
*Whines* "But you whacked my butt just now, and I helped to scrub the hall floor today!"

And I ran into my room in a mock hissy fit and started giggling because I had effectively embarrassed my parents in front of the neighbours. They must regret not giving me away when I was 2.

I am such an irritating kid, it's a wonder my parents still love me. So, I am going to stay up during Chinese New Year's eve so that they will have a potentially long life. I don't see how it works, but it's worth a shot anyway. And it will give me a legitimate reason for staying up late (and my mom shall not come out and say, VANESSA GO AND SLEEP LA SO LATE ALREADY STILL DON'T WANT TO SLEEP!!). It will make my parents happy too.

I have resolved to make resolutions for the Chinese New Year (talk about cheesy resolutions. It's an easy-to-achieve goal, and it will be attained by CNY yaaay!). Well it gives me some time to settle into 2009 and properly think about what I want to achieve this year.

(I HAVE HEEDED THE GOD OF BLOGS!)

Today's a pretty much one of the crappiest days in a long time. I learnt that it hurts more for you in that tiny heart of yours when you hurt somebody who is already going through a bad time, even when it wasn't deliberate. It's funny how a certain bad thing that happens over a few hours can override the emotions from the good things that happen in the day, leaving you feeling as if the day's events never happened at all, and that you really only woke up at 8.30pm in the evening. Possibly daytime was really yesterday, and today only consists of night.



I started this entry having lots to say, but I guess I don't know how to put it across. I shall go watch some terribly poignant DVDs instead.