Slacker Post!

Every year spent in an educational institute seems to sap up some of my will to study. I must have lost all will since secondary two. I've got an examination tomorrow but yet I don't feel the pressure to study hard for it. I think this is what they call Attainment of Nirvana in a State of Slack.

Another Day Over, Another Year Older.

Paying tribute to my loner days in JC, I have taken to updating this blog in school once again. This time the computer lab is filled with girls. And I am looking off their screens and seeing some KFC webpage, which is making me hungry. By now it should be pretty apparent that I am trying to while away time. I am supposed to meet Ray at boonlay later for a movie, but he hasn't had his last parade yet.

You know what? I really miss Rachel. Especially when Coldplay's 'The Scientist' comes on in my playlist, I feel like I can swim all the way to Australia and walk to Canberra to find her. Talk about budget travel.

Tomorrow I turn 21, which means that I'll be able to vote for the next elections. But other than that I really don't know what else it means. I haven't found the meaning of turning 21. Right now it just feels like a number to me. A number like 14 or 9. Let me figure out some new direction, and then I'll tell you how it feels to turn 21.

The other day in lecture, this Chinese girl came to sit beside me and started chatting with me. Her english was good for someone who only came to Singapore 2 months ago. (Did the school term only start 2 months ago? It actually feels like half a year had already gone by.) She asked me what my favourite book was. I was speechless for a moment. I find that at times like this when people ask me what my favourite book is my mind usually goes blank. Because I can't seem to think of the books that I like in an instant. Then I answered "Roald Dahl" because I honestly do like his works. Not those that he wrote for adults, but his childrens' books. Fantastic. I grew up reading them.

I am bad at formulating my thoughts and recounting events when you talk to me face to face. I usually stutter and have to think for a long time before actually remembering what exactly I want to say, and what happened. So if you ask me if anything interesting happened I'll probably save myself the embarrassment and say "nope, nothing interesting happened to me recently, how about you?".

After half a year this semester at school I concluded that I am officially a moron.

Things You Didn't Know about Your Friends...

..which you suddenly learn about them through their blogs. Today I saw a sensitive side of a friend that I'd never seen before. Which isn't surprising considering I've only known her for, oh, close to two years. But I only see her for at most 5 hours per week on average, so it's not much chance to have long talks and whatnots.

I was really touched by her entries and it made her feel more real as a person with emotions and feelings as compared to rather aloof-and-in-control one that I'd been accustomed to. Well, in a way I think it's quite a pity that I haven't taken the effort to get to know her more, but hey it's never too late right? Yes that's right.

So things have been slightly awful, which shouldn't be a surprise because one part of me is convinced that I am damned to rot in the deepest levels of academic hell, but another part of me is saying that salvation is still an option, and going to school definitely isn't.
So once again I am going to try and clean up my act, and hopefully this will be the last you hear of me lamenting about my less than brilliant pursuits in academic excellence.

Such is the Bittersweet Life.

How ironic then, that the people who make you the happiest are the very same ones who have the ability (whether they are conscious of it or not) to make you the saddest.

Today is the first day of school. Last night I was in a general state of despair over the thought of having to go back to school. And then I went online and found like minded people, and I didn't feel so alone. It helps to know that there are people out there like yourself.
But today wasn't such a bad day. In fact it was not bad at all, it was actually quite a good feeling being in school and attending the only lecture I had today with the cohort. And the better part? Buying textbooks which really are novels; most of which with pretty covers. I have to say that the texts for this semester sound pretty interesting from the synopses. (: The best part? Getting to see the very people who made school worth going to - the crazy bunch of litmates. They never fail to fill the regular schoolday with laughter.

On a side note, I was staring intently at the professor (who reminds me of Adrien Brody) during lecture today. My attention was so concentrated that if you waved a hand in front of my face your hand would burn from the heat produced from the intense force of my attention. "NEVER have I PAID such GREAT ATTENTION in my ENTIRE LIFE!" I proclaim loudly with great flourish. (But yet I couldn't answer the questions Jeffer asked me after. Apparently attention isn't paid with the eyes. What is it then? Cash? Okay I see tofu/johan/people who don't appreciate lame jokes rolling their eyes at this point, "with your ears silly/fool/moron, your ears! Duh!") Anyway, I was paying attention to the prof when I suddenly felt a tingly sensation on my right arm. I was annoyed, and looked down to brush away the what-I-thought-must-have-been-hair that was sweeping against my skin.
To my SUPREME HORROR, IT WAS NOT HAIR IT WAS A BLOODY HUGE SPIDER WITH SUPER LONG LEGS. I FROZE IN TERROR for a split second, all the while hearing a blaring voice in my head go "SWEEP IT OFF, HAND, SWEEP IT OFF NOW!" (For a moment I suspected if MightyMe had gone into my head.)
And after all that commotion in my head my left hand calmly lifted up and gently swept it off onto the ground.

And then I turned to Jeffer and said, "Jeffer, there was a huge spider on my arm just now."

Jeffer was like "Where? Where?"

I pointed behind the lecture chairs. "There, running away."

Jeffer turned her head to look and she saw this:

Daddy Long Legs.

And when she turned back her arms were covered in goosebumps.

You know when they say that sometimes during moments of extreme fright your mind experiences extreme clarity? That happened to me today for the first time in a long time. See, that's why school is fun. You learn how to cope with crisis without losing your cool. Where else can you get spiders attacking you while you're paying close attention to a professor?

This semester is starting to look damn good.

Oh, turd.

Yesterday I went on a walk with Bessie and we talked.

"I want to be happy everyday."

"You know that's not possible right, if you're happy everyday, it wouldn't be happiness, it'd be reduced to normalcy."

"Come again? I didn't absorb that."

"You see, if you were happy everyday, you wouldn't think of it as being happy, it'd just be an average feeling, because in order for one to feel happiness, one has got to not feel happiness in the time prior to the onslaught of happiness. It has to be a cycle you see. That's how things work."

"Well, ol-- no I mean, middle-aged people see things very differently."

"Hahaha."

When people ask me if I like what I'm doing in school, I am sometimes momentarily at loss for words. Because it's not that simple an answer like yes or no. I always find myself having to weigh out the pros and cons each time before giving an answer. Most of the time I know that I like it, but again I don't want to give any false impressions that I like everything about it. Things are always changing, and in a sense I don't like that. Why I might be saying that I don't like change now, and in another 10 minutes I might say that change is the best thing that can ever happen. How drastic, this concept of inconsistency.

Nowadays it's increasingly difficult to find someone to confide in. I know my friends are there, but to what extent are they there when they've got a whole lot of other stuff to worry about? It's becoming more and more apparent that school, work, significant other halves, projects, CCAs, physical distance do drive some mightily big wedges between us. It's like there's always something more important. Something. And it really isn't that appropriate lamenting to you about me when you've always got that something which is really much more significant. I dunno.

One thing that's obvious though, is that when you don't ask, people don't tell. More and more I am relying on extremely superficial indicators like MSN nicknames and blog entries to keep me updated on people and the state they're in now. And even then those aren't accurate indicators.

And you really don't want to start thinking about those who are absolutely inactive online, because that's too much to cope with. It doesn't help that people are too busy to meet up, or to even talk on the phone. And then you've got to worry about those who are just terrible telephone conversation partners, like me. It really doesn't help that in meeting up I've got to be very, very comfortable with you before I really start talking, like, talking you know. Sometimes you just find that you don't know what to say, and sometimes there's just so much to say but you don't know if it's too much, and all that comes out is a morose sounding "yea. haha," and then you feel utterly stupid, to the extent of wanting to kick yourself.

And there are topics of conversation to worry about. Why are things made tedious that way?

I want a strawberry sundae right now, but because I am about to declare hermitship for about 3 weeks, I think I'll save it for 3 weeks later.

Okay. Hermitship, now.

Speeding down Failure Avenue.

This is when I decide to cease attending school, both lectures and tutorials. Considering my current attendance, I figure I won't be missing much if I simply stopped going completely.

Now now, there's no need to look so shocked. You should have roughly been able to recognise all the telltale signs foreboding that this kind of thing was about to happen in your, ranging from the daily to the sporadic, interaction with me. (Oh I swear the mosquitoes are out to get me. They fly around incessantly when I am seated at my table, and when I leave the room to take the insecticide they're all gone. I think they actually recognise the shiny, slim cylinder of insecticide spray. Have I mentioned before that mosquitoes don't bite me? Do mosquitoes bite or sting anyway? Technically they're puncturing your skin with that needle like tube of their's right, so I guess it's stinging.)

Methinks it's a good time for a list! (Oh boy, lists! Lists! I love lists! And on a sidenote, people with lisps cannot pronounce lists eh. Just like how they cannot even communicate their condition adequately because the word lisp is a cruel word for lispers. The world works in cruel ways.)

Telltale Signs of Subject's Imminent Cessation of Attendance to School.

1. When Subject gets less than 8 hours of sleep in two days and nights.
This may be due to Subject rushing out assignments as one very, very strong possibility among various others. Or it may be due to Subject's furious attempt at reading course texts. Or it may be Subject's disgusting habit of procrastinating coupled with the evil Internet with access readily at hand, all while assignment-doing is ongoing.

2. When Subject gets less than 8 hours of sleep in two days and nights, but still fails to hand in assignment on time.
This causes Subject to be panicky, and distraught even if Subject's face displays calm and nonchalance carried off by a blank look which is a result of insufficient shut eye. Although friends of Subject may not possibly be able to tell, deep down, Subject is really freaking out. One cannot possibly fathom the stress level of Subject unless one happens to be Subject's Procrastibuddy and is in the same boat as Subject.

3. When Subject runs amok in the house with hands flailing in the air, loudly proclaiming "I DON'T WANT TO GO TO SCHOOOOL!"
Family members should immediately be able to pick up the negative vibes Subject is exuding, and take Subject's claim seriously for once.

4. When Subject gets around the house by rolling about on the floor like a blob.
Okay this is random.

5. When Subject merges molecularly with bed and sheets, to the point that Subject has difficulty detaching body from bed on school mornings.
Some may think this is a matter of mind over body, but Subject's assimilation with bed has been proven by Subject's perennial case of bedhead.

6. When Subject goes to school but does not attend class.
And instead hides away in a certain auditorium with a certain Procrastibuddy to talk and laugh about everything under a certain sun, which is ironic because it certainly has been raining cats and dogs these days.

7. When Subject stops asking people out because Subject has schoolwork in mind.
This highly impediments Subject's social skills, and it does not help that Subject hardly sees school friends due to Subject's failure to appear in school.

Thus concluded.

But then again I think that if I start going to school regularly, in a warped and twisted way I might be able to recognise the joys of school again. So I am going to try. Have I mentioned that I thoroughly enjoy doing project with my project mates because they're all super funny people? And have I mentioned that my friends from Lit are super funny too? And not to mention uber lovely. (:

Gosh. This might just get me going to school again.

When Bessie Barges In, I Know it's Time to Sleep.

University is an expensive affair, not to mention tiring. Why would someone pay so much to tire oneself out? It's not like when you're working, because when you work, you get tired, but you're earning money. When you attend university, you get tired, and at the same time you're spending money. You don't know for sure if it can be considered a long term investment, because that very degree you're studying for doesn't exactly render you fabulous career options, neither does it do much to increase your workforce value. There isn't much demand in society for an English Literature Major is there? ):

Why, you're not even sure you can graduate with a degree in the first place. Shucks. Don't you hate it when reality hits you hard on the head. Now it all feels like a total waste of time and money. Think of all the things you could have accomplished with the money you could have earned if you weren't in university. Talk about opportunity cost. Now it all sounds like economics to me.

Which shows that education does come in handy in random points of life. Which then shines new light on aforementioned-- I'm not attending school for nothing! *throws arms in air for joy* I bet that in some distant future the need to discuss Kuo Pao Kun/ Heart of Darkness/ Romanticism/ Jane Eyre etc with a random whoever will arise, and when that time comes, I'd look back at this entry and laugh and say "HA who said university was a waste of time! See what I took out of school with me! I just had a heated debate with Random Whoever about the sexual orientation of Oscar Wilde!" after which I'd break down and cry. (Oh. Run-on line, what did the teachers use to say about run-ons huh? HUH?!) Ack.

I suddenly lost the ability to conclude therefore this entry will end hanging. (What did teachers say about not concluding huh? HUH?!)

I've Got the Dreamer's Disease.

I lost track of the number of times I pressed down on the shutter only to miss the lightning.This is when I finally succeed.

You know how sometimes when you say something unkind to someone, and you see that the person actually recoils with with hurt, and all at once you know that you've just said the wrong thing. The recoiling part makes me very uncomfortable, it's as if your words take on a physical form. I didn't think they were being literal when they said "your words dealt him a blow."
I try not to say things which hurt. Unless I'm so close to you that I'm all comfortable when I'm with you, let down my guard, and say things which I don't process beforehand. For which I am sorry, because I definitely wouldn't deliberately hurt anyone I'm close to.

School's starting in a few days, and for some reason I'm feeling nervous about it. I think it's the thought of having to make new friends in tutorial classes all over again. (Now that makes me sound superficial. But I'm pretty comfortable with the friends I made last semester. I hope we can attend lectures and have lunches together.) On second thoughts, I'm sure the nerves come from the thought of the impending workload that is coming my way. (Sounds less superficial now, doesn't it?)

I suspect Yanni's trying to turn me into an Ah Lian because she got me all these blings as my Birthday and Christmas presents. I actually already own the exact same music note pendant, but I stopped wearing it after like about 7 times. But of course I still like it.When she gave it to me it was a pleasant surprise because I saw it as a sign of how well she knew my taste.

I guess some things don't have to be said out loud.

I think my sister predicted my New Year's resolution, thus the watch. Don't you just love siblings who can read your mind? I love it because it's super pretty, and it has bling! And most importantly it somehow serves as a reminder of responsibility. It's some weird waves that I pick up from the watch.
I love my sister and brother-in-law.

That yellow happy thing is actually a tissue box from Melmel. I can't bear to use the tissues from it to blow my nose or to wipe icky things off the table. It's too cute for that. I shall use those tissues to wipe only perfume off my hands in the event that it gets on them in the first place, thus giving me scented tissue which I will put in my bag, which will then make my bag smell good.
The angel is also from Melmel, and it's about the sweetest thing that I ever received. It caused me to tear because it was really touching.
The words read:

"Travelling Angel

Whenever you travel,
be it near of far.
This angel
will guard you
wherever you are."

To me, it's beautiful, like everything else Melmel is.

This is very lovely and meaningful because Jas did it all by herself from scratch! Right from the title, to the groovy layout of the pictures, down to the individual captions. And it charts our growth, and our friendship. I shall proudly display it in the file that I bring to school.
"A picture speaks a thousand words."
These pictures do so much more. They capture memories, and narrate 7 years of invaluable friendship.

Thank you jas, you mean so much to me.

What better way to start the New Year then to do thanksgiving. Of course there's more, but Bessie's calling me to dinner, and my stomach is willing me to go. So go I will, to consume my dinner. It's YongTauFoo Bessie Cooked that I like so much. (:

Oh yes, my bedsheet is lime green.