For the First Time in a Very Long Time

 So I guess tonight is one of those nights where I torture myself by listening to mandopop from a very distant time where things were much simpler and cry my heart out and turn up at work looking like I got punched in both eyes. The current choice of soundtracks is Jay Chou's Fantasy album of course. The quintessential emo teen of the 2000s' playlist. Also about the time that I met my ex-husband. 

What am I crying about though? I mourn many things. I mourn my self abandonment. I mourn how I mistook minimal effort for love. I mourn not knowing myself well enough to see what I needed in a relationship. I mourn that I failed to see my ex husband's lack of effort and the many excuses I made for him. 

Who would have thought that at least 10 years after the last post that a 37 year old V would pick this up again. I think writing, as I have come to recognise over the years only extends to blogging, used to bring me a lot of joy when I was in secondary school through university. And personal shortcomings of not seeing things through has prevented me from monetising my writing otherwise I think I would be earning good money. Nowadays they say it's good practice to journal as a form of therapy and emptying thoughts from one's head.

Admittedly I've been stuck in a rut for a long time, mentally since 2017 I would say. I can't focus on a task for more than an hour at a stretch, and I often lose my train of thought. With the exception of diarrhoea-typing my thoughts on a page like this. Energy has been all time low when I thought it couldn't get any lower. 

The state of my room is horrible. It's pretty much a dumpster fire and I have a problem I keep spending money on unimportant things that I want. This overindulgence does not help the room situation at all. 

Health wise I am highly sedentary and I can't seem to find any motivation to get my arse moving.  Weight is also increasing and while I am trying to control my food intake I think mobility could be a lot better to help with the pains. 

Emotions wise I would say I'm on the mend although there are days I lament how I spent more than half of my life being with someone I thought I would grow old with only to realise that he can't and won't love me the way I need to be loved only at a very late stage. 

Childhood wounds wise I have also learned that the model of love I know was learned from my parents and I objectively have a pretty fucked up childhood. I thought it was independence but chatgpt and instagram has told me that this is over-independence and the kind of childhood I had is not normal at all and far from loving. You know how in secondary school when your teacher shares that research shows that delinquents are produced by neglect and not abuse and your inner monologue goes "thank god I'm not neglected" only to find out 20 years later that hey actually you were very neglected as a kid? Yes that's me. 

It was also startling to learn that there is no such thing as unconditional love and giving your all to a partner who doesn't reciprocate. In no world does that model work. V in her 20s had a very warped perception of love. It was also quite a sad moment to learn that people deserve to be loved because V in her 30s thought that nobody deserved anything and that was entitlement. But chatgpt told me that people deserve to be loved simply for who they are and not what they do for people and that was sad and eye opening at the same time. 

Also this is why I don't have a relationship with my parents because they have never put in the effort to cultivate love or a relationship with their children. A large part of me doesn't feel bad about it at all unfortunately.

Joke's on me though in my 20s I thought I had it all only to have that perception 100% torn down in my 30s. But hey at least I had this awakening now and not only when I'm in my 40s or 50s right?

A part apart.

Ray has been working very hard these days. Work at the comic shop takes up about 4.5 days of his week. Shipment day falls on every thursday, which is also his busiest and most exhausting day at work. Ray never fails to call me at night, even though he may be tired out from a busy day at work, and it surprises me how much we have to talk about. (I am most talkative when I am with him, but mostly I just talk a lot of rubbish. Ray is most annoying when he is with me. I dunno why. ): ) Ray spends his days off with me most of the time. Sometimes he spends them with his mom and brings her out for meals like the good boy he is. I appreciate that ray is working hard for us, and I love him for who he is.

At 5 am in the morning I declare my love for you through the interweb: I love you raymond tay! xoxo

Happy Valentine's Day!

Today was spent at the Science Centre, at the Body Worlds exhibit. Honestly it wasn't worth the 20 dollars, because everywhere you walked to it was there were the same dusty, cobwebbed bodies all over again. I have to admit though, that the giraffe and the horse bodies were pretty impressive. But here's a tip: the giraffe body you can see when standing outside the exit of the hall, and the horse body you can give a miss because there are pictures online.

Hey watch that hand, mate, you don't want that horse disintegrating on you.
(http://open.salon.com/blog/lost_in_berlin/2009/05/10/sex_after_death_the_new_body_worlds_exhibit_shocks_berlin)

Which means that you actually don't have to purchase a ticket to go in and look at 71 dead plastinated bodies because you can get a free show by standing at the exit. I would suggest you buy a 6 dollar ticket to enter the Science Centre instead because it definitely is so much more fun. And 6 dollars is a cheap price to pay for that many exhibits that you can interact with. Unlike boring, dusty plastinated bodies that you can't even touch. And it's not that they'll disintegrate la, they just don't fancy people pulling off strips of ligaments and little threads of nerves and blood vessels from the exhibits i think. If asked to choose, I won't be greedy, I just want the cute blood-vessels-and-capillaries chicken...

which looks like this, but in the shape of a chicken. It's quite cute really, like wiry red sponge.
(http://www.blogto.com/arts/2009/10/body_worlds_returns_to_toronto_this_time_with_more_heart/)

A note on the dust: It's in abundance everywhere, on the showcases, on the bodies, in the air, on the carpeted ground... you name it, it's extremely dusty. Oh and not to mention live people too, they were everywhere too. Mingling with the dead bodies. Ha, morbid thought I just had that I'm not sharing with you. Ray made a demented joke about tour groups being offered free entry, and then ending up as the exhibits.

I think this should be my favourite dead, plastinated, dusty human body. He's carrying his own skin, and it's really thick, like hide. I don't know why his skin is so thick.
(http://open.salon.com/blog/lost_in_berlin/2009/05/10/sex_after_death_the_new_body_worlds_exhibit_shocks_berlin)

Anyhow, I didn't think it was worth it. Uh uh. Nope. Oh well, but I guess it's those once in a lifetime kinda thing, like Universal Studios Singapore at Resort World Sentosa. 66 bucks for a ticket! Gee. I predict the only two times in my life I'll ever go is with Ray, and when I'm married with (hypothetical) kids and the kids want to go. I'll make sure there're no more kids in the production factory first, and bring all the (hypothetical) children I have. "Once is enough," I'll tell them, "if not mommy will have to go and be one of those plastinates in Gunther Von Hagens' Body Worlds, and you kids can use the money they send to you then."

Hello Post Exams World!

Reading mel's blog inspired me to update mine. I think it's amazing that she's started a blog, and I really like reading her entries. (:
Jas' blog is so depressing, she's always talking about disappearing that I'm quite afraid that she might be entertaining some darn morbid thoughts. But I've got faith in her that she will tide through this, because like rachie says, bad things always pass, and I agree. Hang in there skippylee!
Datou's blog is pretty much about random things that I sometimes don't get. But recently she's been talking about her preparations for the exchange trip. Exchange sucks, it takes people away. =/ For 6 months at that.
Carinnie's blog is like mine, the entries hardly come, and the blog can't update itself, so in her words, "I think my blog is gathering mould."

Well I've been wanting to update for ages, but somehow exams, work, love and friends managed to get in the way. I still want to write about the fantabulous birthday that 9P did for me! Because I don't ever want to forget the euphoria of that day. I keep thinking, okay I shall do a post about my birthday, but I never do get to it because... well, see above. I also want to write about how the exams went, and how terrible it is when ray falls sick, and how i missed my mom when she went to vietnam, and how guilty I felt leaving my dad at home to eat dinner by himself when I went out everyday for one week after the exams, and oh, how I found this exact same La Dame aux Camelias quote in one of my previous blog entries on a schoolmate's blog. (What are the chances! The exact same passage with the exact same way of citing the author! Technically it isn't plagiarism because there was the book title and author's name, but it was weird seeing that, like someone just ripped your entire entry off your blog.) But well, you know, life got in the way I guess.

Right now I'm supposed to be doing editing. I've got like, 210 Word pages due on the 22nd, and then another 70 due on the 24th. And it's christmas week next week, I don't think it's even human for people to be doing work during christmas week! ): Why can't we have week long (or is it month long?) holidays like they do in China? And I've done christmas shopping for my family and I am so happy hohoho! I just know that they're gonna like their presents. Actually that's what I thought last year too, but it turned out that they didn't really like their presents. Nonetheless, it's a new year and a brand new christmas, so hurrah! They'll love their presents this year! But I haven't bought any for 9p and ray yet, and CHRISTMAS IS IN, WHAT, SIX DAYS?!! AND OF ALL TIMES I'VE GOT EDITING NOW?!?! AND WHAT ABOUT CHRISTMAS CARDS?! AAAAAAAH!

One thing though, I can't have xmas eve dinner with 9P because my folks are having it on christmas eve despite my relentless objections. ): And 9P always has dinner on christmas eve! Man. How do I resolve this. ): Gah.

Ray is sick with a throat infection poor boy. And I've got to go to my sister's house tomorrow at 9.30 am because she's expecting her furniture to arrive, and she doesn't have anybody else to accompany her so I'm gonna be nice and do it. After all her birthday's in 6 days' time. (: The dog is whining outside my room door I'm gonna let it sleep on my bed tonight because it's gonna be Christmas soon.











Nah the dog is imaginary. But the rest is real!

I Scored One.

Recently I've been pretty emotional. But yesterday while I was doing laundry and listening to music at the same time, I suddenly got reminded of us, and how unexpectedly that we end up together after some years, that ray was just a boy that I saw at a random campfire, and that the goodness that I have found in him is something that I know I will never take for granted. And I realised that I'm an extremely lucky girl.
I had the renewed vision of what it is like being a part of a family unit. I had newfound appreciation for every thing that my parents have done for me, and I am extremely grateful for them. I have had thought nasty thoughts about them in the past, and I have had shut them out before. I finally understood that no one is perfect, and that what my dad and mom have done for the family is way beyond their flaws, and that I am most willing to overlook those tiny imperfections. And now that they are getting on in age, I want to be able to provide for them, and let them rely on me like I have relied on them my entire life up till now.
I also came to terms with my sister being married. I accepted that we could not be as close to each other as in the past, because she now has someone who will occupy a large part of her life, and she does not have as much time for me. And on my part I acknowleged that I have also left out much less time to spend with her because now I have got ray. And on weekends he and i go out and do stuff, and on weekdays when she comes home she's almost always in the room with joe. But I know that she will always be there for me when I need her, and that she will always be the dajie that I can turn to, whom I can borrow stuff from, and whom I have always loved as before.
I suddenly missed how 9p was in secondary school, when we more or less had lives that involved each other. I saw that this is what growing up and being apart does to people. It puts some distance between people, and with age people change, and that adds a little more distance until I see the same girls who stand before me, the ones I felt like I have known all my life, having become young ladies with plans for the future, with aspirations, with careers in the making, with different passions, with different characters and opinions. And I wonder how much more we will grow, and fervently hope to an invisible force to make us grow up slower, not too fast that we let details fly by, but also not too slow that we yearn to grow up quicker. I fervently hope too, that these girls retain all the innocence of their childhood and school days which will allow them appreciation for the littlest bit of beauty and wonder in the world that they may find, be it lush green leaves rustling in the wind, or the smell of crisp earthy morning air, and not get taken by the so-called-grownups-who-can't-wait-to-grow-up and adults' "oh-i'm-so-jaded-nothing-can-impress-me-now" attitude. I fervently hope that they can find happiness in the smallest things, and that they can only want nothing else.

Today's a pretty much one of the crappiest days in a long time. I learnt that it hurts more for you in that tiny heart of yours when you hurt somebody who is already going through a bad time, even when it wasn't deliberate. It's funny how a certain bad thing that happens over a few hours can override the emotions from the good things that happen in the day, leaving you feeling as if the day's events never happened at all, and that you really only woke up at 8.30pm in the evening. Possibly daytime was really yesterday, and today only consists of night.



I started this entry having lots to say, but I guess I don't know how to put it across. I shall go watch some terribly poignant DVDs instead.

The End of All Things Big and the Start of All Things Bigger.

The End of All Things Big

The Start of All Things Bigger

Does My Brain Still Belong to Me?

Time to time I'm reminded of how we're like two patches of fabric on a piece of patchwork. We change steps at the same time, open our mouths to speak the same instance, start humming the same song at once, (are both intensely in love with Jay Chou... not. XD) exclaim in the same fashion together at the same moment etc etc etc.

(Maybe by some bizarre twist of fate assenav isn't my twin, and instead, ahmoon is! Gasp! The horror, the horror! But incest can be kinky until you get serious and talk about giving birth to offspring-- inbred kids are so unkinky.)

Nah. How can ahmoon possibly be my twin. I think he's secretly a mind reader, and he reads my mind and copies my actions to make me think "Ah, we seem to read each other's mind, this must be what they call divine fate! He must be my destiny!" *Swoons*

No silly, I don't really think all that when we happen to mirror each other, I just laugh and silently think "haha we're cute like that." And those are nice moments. (:

The Superhero Chronicles

I ought to have done this much sooner, but I didn't want to come across as sappy and mushy, but on second thoughts if you are my friend you will NEVER say I'm sappy or mushy or both. NEVER. EVER.

So there's this little story that i'm going to tell, to anybody who has any query as to how Spongemo (I Clean up Aftermath!) came to know Momo (The Amazing Dancing Bear (don't ask me why I don't know either)).

Alright so Spongemo is my superhero identity, and Momo is Raymond's. I dunno why he chose to be an Amazing Dancing Bear, but he has, and i shall not question his choice.

So anyway, i think most people out there are pretty curious as to how I got to know Raymond. (And I recently found out that even he wasn't aware of the full story. I suddenly feel mysterious.) And my evasive answers don't really inform much. Hey, it's not that i want to be evasive, it's just that i'm really shy. And then on a pretty, random day like this i decide to spill it all, including the stupid moments that took place in my youth. And then you all can laugh at me. But i won't mind. I won't. People have been laughing at me ALL MY LIFE UGRGH.


Let's see if my memory fails me. It's a pretty long story so I see the need to section out the parts.

Chapter 1 - It's almost like a life story because it dates way back.

So I used to be a girl guide in secondary school, and being girl guides we liked noisy cheers, playing with fire, cheesy games, scouts, and loud fun, (I seriously think there's no such thing as a quiet girl guide. Guides are all noisy. ALL.) and there's no better place where all the above converged than at campfires. Tadah! I remember loving campfires. They were the highlight of my guiding days. (: So, urm the very first time I saw raymond was at a campfire, I cannot remember which, but happy friend says that it was the queensway/commonwealth secondary one. (I forgot which she said even though she said it only 5 days ago. Yes my memory is THAT bad so you should not trust what you read in this blog.)

So anyway, at that time I was fourteen or fifteen I think, I can't really remember the details. So being the crazy Jielun fangirl I was at that time I naturally noticed this jielun lookalike sitting among the Gan Eng Seng Dragon Scouts. So happpy friend and I gushed about him for awhile during the campfire, and that was about it.

And like all cute guys you see at campfires you forget about them within a few days even with all the gushing back in school. And most importantly you never expect to see them again.


So when I saw this jielun lookalike the second time at another random campfire of course there was another mini commotion among 7 guides about this guy who looked like jielun. HAHA. Silly girls. (I know, what are the odds that there were 7 girls from the same class in girl guides right. Naturally we bonded.) =D So anyway, this jielun guy, for the second time! But still, coincidence; the west cluster schools only had that many troops what. So although what took place next appears to be a blurry smudge in my memory, i'm pretty sure the commotion lasted a little longer back in school this time. But of course this jielun lookalike was still all but a pretty stranger, a brief encounter, definitely not as forgettable as the last time, but still forgettable.
And then came the third time, which was the most vivid memory. Because I can still remember that it was held at RI, and that happy friend called dg on her phone to say that the jielun lookalike was standing on some balcony looking at the sky. And of course during the campfire I kept noticing that he was looking very disinterested. Of course anyone would be disinterested when all the RI scouts had for fire was an image on the screen, and all three performing girlguide troops had to dance to the same Jolin song. That was the worst campfire ever.
And then being the very stupid young girl I was, and the very good friends that my friends otaku and tofu are, we stalked him. YES RAYMOND I STALKED YOU FROM RI TO THE MRT STATION AND ALMOST INTO THE TRAIN, WE WERE RIGHT BEHIND YOU ALL THE WAY AND YOU DIDN'T NOTICE. (Now that you know, does that freak you out a little? You were right in calling me a stalker. -.-) Hurhur. But it also kind of happened by chance la. Cause the three of us decided to explore the RI building, and we were walking all around the school. And it just so happened that the GESS troop was still around when we'd finished exploring. So we stalked them. MAN I sound like a total loser can, fine, laugh all you want, I don't regret doing it. Not at all. Even if it sounds stupid. But hello that was age FIFTEEN can URGH. And it was the first and last time I ever stalked anyone. I swear. Cross my heart.

And after that I decided that I would like to get to know this person who looks so sad. (Now I know he looks sad because that's just the way he looks.)

And so one fine day I spoke to my cousin who was studying in GESS when we met.
"So, do you know any scout who looks like Jay Chou in your school?"
He took a while to register what I was saying.
"Mm, I think I know who you're talking about."
"Oh haha, urm, can I have his number?"
"Oh, urm I don't know him personally, but I have a friend who's a scout."
And so he gave me Boon Peng's number. (Nope, Boon Peng is not Raymond's chinese name.)

So who's this Boon Peng person you may wonder.

But I am going off to bed because I am sleepy. And I will continue the next time if I feel like it. Sheesh I am so annoying and I am finding it ridiculous that I used to be a one-time stalker.

Blue Monday.

So you see, there's this forlorn feeling inside, which must be something sweet.

It is when you don't feel like lifting your head to face the crowd because you know that there's no way you will see the face you want to see.
It is when your eyes meet and you want to look somewhere else, but yet at the same time can't because you can't seem to tear your eyes away.
It is when every waking moment together feels like a dream, and every moment apart almost too hard to bear.
It is when you don't want to tell anybody too much for the fear that once the words leave your lips the fragility of it all will be broken.
It is when you have nothing substantial to say, but still gripped by the need to text.
It is when what the two of you share belongs to only you both and nobody else.
It is when all you think of all day is really the other.
It is when there's this bittersweetness about it all.

Such is the Bittersweet Life.

How ironic then, that the people who make you the happiest are the very same ones who have the ability (whether they are conscious of it or not) to make you the saddest.

Today is the first day of school. Last night I was in a general state of despair over the thought of having to go back to school. And then I went online and found like minded people, and I didn't feel so alone. It helps to know that there are people out there like yourself.
But today wasn't such a bad day. In fact it was not bad at all, it was actually quite a good feeling being in school and attending the only lecture I had today with the cohort. And the better part? Buying textbooks which really are novels; most of which with pretty covers. I have to say that the texts for this semester sound pretty interesting from the synopses. (: The best part? Getting to see the very people who made school worth going to - the crazy bunch of litmates. They never fail to fill the regular schoolday with laughter.

On a side note, I was staring intently at the professor (who reminds me of Adrien Brody) during lecture today. My attention was so concentrated that if you waved a hand in front of my face your hand would burn from the heat produced from the intense force of my attention. "NEVER have I PAID such GREAT ATTENTION in my ENTIRE LIFE!" I proclaim loudly with great flourish. (But yet I couldn't answer the questions Jeffer asked me after. Apparently attention isn't paid with the eyes. What is it then? Cash? Okay I see tofu/johan/people who don't appreciate lame jokes rolling their eyes at this point, "with your ears silly/fool/moron, your ears! Duh!") Anyway, I was paying attention to the prof when I suddenly felt a tingly sensation on my right arm. I was annoyed, and looked down to brush away the what-I-thought-must-have-been-hair that was sweeping against my skin.
To my SUPREME HORROR, IT WAS NOT HAIR IT WAS A BLOODY HUGE SPIDER WITH SUPER LONG LEGS. I FROZE IN TERROR for a split second, all the while hearing a blaring voice in my head go "SWEEP IT OFF, HAND, SWEEP IT OFF NOW!" (For a moment I suspected if MightyMe had gone into my head.)
And after all that commotion in my head my left hand calmly lifted up and gently swept it off onto the ground.

And then I turned to Jeffer and said, "Jeffer, there was a huge spider on my arm just now."

Jeffer was like "Where? Where?"

I pointed behind the lecture chairs. "There, running away."

Jeffer turned her head to look and she saw this:

Daddy Long Legs.

And when she turned back her arms were covered in goosebumps.

You know when they say that sometimes during moments of extreme fright your mind experiences extreme clarity? That happened to me today for the first time in a long time. See, that's why school is fun. You learn how to cope with crisis without losing your cool. Where else can you get spiders attacking you while you're paying close attention to a professor?

This semester is starting to look damn good.

Sometimes We Learn, Sometimes We can Never Get it Right.

You are a trap I am aware of but keep falling into. A vortex that I cautiously try to avoid. You are a symbol in my life that represents nothing but yet so substantial. An ideal I stupidly cling on to.

Tonight I looked up in the sky and saw the stars that were always there. I thought of how much we have changed since the last time we looked at the bright dots in the sky, as well as the bits, pieces and chunks of ourselves that we have lost to growing up.

It's not difficult being around people yet feeling so alone. And that's when I start feeling rather annoyed. Annoyed that I let myself stupidly get entangled in the mind games you play. Annoyed that I tell myself everytime to take it easy but yet ignore my own advice. Annoyed that I can't seem to tell anyone what's really happening. Annoyed that the cycle never seems to break. Annoyed that I blindly pile importance and expectations on you and wait restlessly for you to step up to it, which you never do.

But it's okay, I'm used to it.
I know I can just hit the reset button when things go awry on my part.

How We Sometimes are like Stars, or Something Along the Lines of Realisation.

The two of us are like stars. We are both fixed in position on the map of the night sky, forever kept at distance from one another. Even when the Earth rotates on its axis, orbits around the Sun, our spots in the sky don't change. From Earth's perspective, even when we move from one end of the sky to the other, we remain apart. The one following behind tries to break this order, to catch up with the one in front, but it's running an endless marathon.
Sometimes it gets cloudy. Either one star gets blocked from sight, and the other one wishes upon itself for the clouds to clear. It doesn't even mind falling if that would fulfill its wish for the other to shine. But sooner or later the clouds always clear to reveal the other. And then again I am reminded how you're always in sight, but always apart.