Sobani Ite

Sobani ite means to walk on. And to walk on means to oh well, go forward. Any song that uses that phrase always tugs at my heartstrings because it is something I know I cannot do, and need to learn how to. It doesn't sound all that difficult to move forward, but somehow I think the burden's too heavy. Yes I do need to learn how to let go of stuff.

Over the past week I've been thinking a lot about stuff. By rights this blog should have been updated many many times but I have decided to consolidate all those random thoughts in just one entry. *Joy joy* What delight to find that I am applying comprehension skills in daily life.

I should stop treating my friends like punching bags. Whenever I'm feeling down in school it seems like I get so self-absorbed that I start to treat the people around me like they're non-existent or something. I get all attitudal and I don't think I wanna be around me when I'm having a rough patch. All my friends are super nice people and I don't think they deserve to be treated the way they are just because I'm having a bad time.
I need anger management classes.

If life was a taste my tastebuds wouldn't be able to detect it. How many of you have lost the taste for life? I'm not sure about you, but I think nowadays life for me has been very purpose driven-- I'm trying to find a purpose in life. What an irony. My life currently is akin to my Friendster account; pointless. Why live life when there's no point in it? I have taken to reading multiple books at once. Maybe it's the stigma of the block tests, having not read excessively and sufficiently in preparation, my mind sees the need to make up for the lack of mental exercise that usually comes before the body sits for an examination. Like I said, I have taken to reading multiple books and although it seems highly likely that the plots get all mixed up, they don't.

And it's a good feeling to read.

And on to the one that perpetually plagues me. Close friends of Vanessa will know who she's talking about. Let's just call him R. Now I believe there isn't a need for any introduction to this mystery person who has been dominating my thoughts for the past nine days (or the past month, to be specific). I hate to admit this but I have been thinking excessively about him. R is important to me, but not to the extent that other friends get slighted. It's just that we haven't been talking much of late and I just wonder if it was something I did wrong. Or maybe he's just too tired out from work. But anyway it doesn't really matter that much now because it took a very much shorter time to get over him this time compared to the last. I take it that it's a good sign. Heck, it sure is tiring being his friend. Our shared friendship tells me that he's a dynamic individual. And maybe the relationship has stagnated. Just the other day dongua was telling me that it was nice that R had started out as a total stranger and now become a friend who shares stuff. Or in her words, "... and he was the boy at the RJ campfire who was standing at the balcony staring up at the sky and you were the girl who was standing below staring at him." Well, correction here, I wasn't standing below the balcony, it was datou who saw him and called me dear dongua. Dang, I'd missed seeing him in his possibly most suave moment. Ah well. I guess what's behind must be left behind.

And maybe I've had enough.

God's Debris by Scott Adams proposed that hypothetically, the past isn't real because it does not have a physical form and it isn't something that can be considered to be physical reality. "Like the Easter Bunny, the past only exists in your mind, likewise, the future exists only in your mind because it has not happened." I think we all need to empty our minds periodically. But how is it possible to get rid of something that is unreal. Just like how time isn't real because there isn't a way to prove that time exists. We all think that time has passed because there are changes and if time is defined as essentially being the changes that has happened universally then I'd say that time is generally a very relative concept isn't it. What is time really? Why are there dog-years and human-years? Is time a totally different concept for dogs? Oh well. Burning questions that sear my curiosity and possibly impend my learning in school because they make the school syllabus look all the more duller now. Shit to education I say.

So you say the past isn't real.

Today I had pasta for dinner and it had a piece of round piece egg white on top that I thought was cheese. I guess this teaches us that you never know what is in store until you take a closer look and chew on it that you get the clearest picture. Okay this is so pointless, like my life.

I finally own a guitar. It's red and it's pretty. I shall call it cherrystone or something.

I feel so liberated. Hear me whoop for joy.

Hi It Is Me

Donny wonders if the glass chess pieces on the glass chess board would eventually shatter.
Glass breaks under pressure, and broken glass injure. Injuries heal, but Donny's mouth might be stitched up and the stitches might never come undone. Might. Mental strength is big might. And that is what Donny lacks.
The dam does not seem to be able to hold out for long.
What about the dam Donny wonders. Donny will push the water back, but Donny is only human, and a resurrected one at that. Donny can swim in waters, Donny can also drink water, but Donny cannot overcome water. Sadly. Water is good for health, althought it can go down wrong ways excessively.
The newspaper is lying on the floor, spread across.




Donny's heart goes out to You, who is reading this. Dear You, as long as you have friends, all is fine. Donny will be your friend if you don't. But Donny might be cautious.




Donny wants to pick them up, but the wind keeps blowing them about.
Maybe they are there for a reason, maybe the wind blows for a reason.



Chaos Theory goes vaguely like this. The occurence of disasters, even small, every-day ones, happen in a pattern that can be calculated using arithmatic. And that when your toast falls on the buttered side, it is just following the pattern. Or something like that. I read about it like a long way back and it's kinda messed up.


"Goooooooooodbyeeee myyyyy love"


Maybe Donny should quit talking to aliens.

Monkeynesian.

Now let's take a minute to think about what we are doing to this world. The primary school science syllabus taught me that global warming is bad. It causes a general increase in temperatures around the world and this is turn causes the ice caps to melt and to flood any low lying areas in the world, causing people to die. The secondary school syllabus taught me that global warming is essentially the greenhouse effect in magnified intensity, and that the greenhouse effect is actually good because it keeps the earth from freezing up and becoming as cold as it is out there in the universe. It also taught me that global warming is a result of what Man is doing under the watchful eyes of Mother Nature on her territory itself. The audacity of it. We release carbon dioxide like nobody's business and it combines with other gases in the atmosphere to form a *KEYWORD! KEYWORD* blanket of gases that surrounds the earth and reflects heat back to the surface of earth. Because of Man's actions, this blanket has become so thick that more and more heat is being reflected back at earth. And this saddens me so. The junior college school syllabus teaches me nuts because I do not take Geography/Science. But then, Time magazine (WHERE IS MY TIME MAGAZINE I SAY!) teaches me that due to global warming, more and more frogs are dying off because their permeable skin that allows them to detect slight changes in temperature. The increase in temperature means that their body gets hotter and I think it screws up their entire system. (I SAID I NEED MY TIME MAGAZINE!) Well, my facts aren't very that accurate because I cannot seem to find that particular issue, but it is sufficient to know that GLOBAL WARMING KILLS OFF FROGS.
And I have taken a liking to frogs due to the cute pictures printed in the Time magazine along with the article. Therefore, to protect the frogs on planet Earth, I shall become a strong advocator of the "STOP GLOBAL WARMING BECAUSE IT KILLS OFF FROGS" (SGWBIKOF) movement and will attempt to stop the next person sitting beside me in the MRT from breathing out in long breaths because that increases the carbon dioxide count in the air.

Like a week before I was sitting at the bus stop waiting for my bus to come when I saw this girl in the bus caressing the EZ-link card reader. It struck me as odd, uncanny in fact, to have such an unusual fetish. Maybe she was trying to induce an electric shock that would in turn put her in a state of heightened senses and okay nevermind I don't see where this is going. heh heh heh.

Today I took an afternoon nap and I had a Wonderful dream. I would have to say that it was the most fabulous dream I have ever ever had. I dreamt of an ice cream making machine that could make ice cream of ANY AND EVERY FLAVOUR!! Like it had six compartments for you to make six flavours at one time! I had M&Ms, chocolate flakes and what else I forgot. But it was so cool(haha pun intended but okay okay *throws hands up in the air*) and yummy and all. The machine even produced this 3D sculpture made of a really really thin chocholate sheet and it had the most wonderfantabudelicioustic taste EVER! wow! I could taste it in my dream! THE BESTEST DREAM EVER. And can you believe it I actually woke up with my mouth full of saliva I got the shock of my life. Like I have never woken up with a mouthful of saliva before and this was one powerful dream. And evidently (luckily) I sleep with my mouth closed if not imagine where all that saliva would have gone to, definitely not on the floor, that would have been easy to clean. But it was a good dream and I was happy for a moment as I went to spit out all the saliva and went back to sleep.

Come to think of it I vaguely remember a part about Mister JayQ. But ah well whatever. :D

The IQ test website is still sending me mail addressed to Eshik. I have unsuscribed myself from their mailing list.
I AM NOT ESHIK GODDAMN IT.
Everybody out there have a good day! :)

Of Running and Riding.

Maybe one day you will wake up to find that life has been a joke all this while, and that what you have had firm belief in had just crumbled away like the beaches under the impact of a Tsunami. All of a sudden the only thing left is nothingness, and yet at the same time the nightmares are still there. They are only beginning to come true.
The workload that you have is tearing away at your life bit by bit, little by little. Your clothes don't feel like they've been washed clean, starched and ironed. Everything is weighing you down, but you have to make an effort to move on. To fucking get on with life.
No no, I'm not angry. I'm just pissed that I'm living in Singapore. I should be smoking pot and doing time instead of studying. Maybe I'll just smoke, doing time doesn't sound so pleasant. No wait, I'm not even studying that much now. I guess I'm just wasting time. And when one has too much time one tends to update one's blog. But actually I do not have too much time, I just don't really care what happens when I do not use my time wisely. I should be studying for my history test really. But like Jas puts it, heart is willing but body is not. Nah actually my heart isn't that willing either.
Last thursday 9P was supposed to meet up. And I got really upset that stuff happened. And it made me rethink what 9P meant to me. Yes I guess it is correct when you say that there is nothing I can do about it because I cannot force people to go out with me. Maybe all I can do is to buy a hundred bucks worth of bread/cake and throw at them like Raymond says. But then again I do not have a hundred bucks to spend on bread so I guess I'll just have to leave them alone for a while.
I think maybe it's a cool thing to turn eighteen. And then again I think maybe it's not. I don't know my stand on turning eighteen, but whatever, it's not like I can stop it from happening whether I think about it or not. Gee, this age issue is really getting to me, and I'm only seventeen years old.
Well as they put it, we only miss what we have lost when we have lost it. I think I am missing my secondary school days.
All the sand from the beach is sinking to the bottom of the sea. Maybe one day it will all accumulate to form a tiny island. No doubt it will take a long time, but the island formed will withstand all winds, waves and tsunamis. Well at least hopefully. But for now we're sinking sinking sinking sinking sinking.



P.S. An IQ test that I took sent me an email addressed to Eshik. I think it thinks that my name is Eshik. Maybe I should take on the name.

Eternal Noob Updates

She woke up in darkness. Fumbled around for her handphone. No new messages. That was fine with her.
She got up in darkness one more time. Fumbled around for her handphone. No new messages. That was still fine with her.
She decided it was time to wake up. The time was three thirty a.m. She got out of bed and switched off the air conditioner. It was time to brush her teeth and to wash her face and to go online. The song was on repeat in her discman, spinning spinning spinning and spinning. Life was starting to get really turbulent.

Friday was a quiet day. In the morning there were thick dark clouds in the sky. Ants were scurrying around doing their own business and being stepped on without even seeing it coming. It was going to rain. In the forest the aardvarks and the centipedes crawled around trying to find shelter from the impending rain. No chance of sun.
Earthworms and pancakes are made of the same thing.
Matter.
What matters most is that she was happy.
But I don't think she was a happy person. No.

Four a.m. She was online. And so was he. But that didn't matter. It didn't make a difference. She was feeling very anti-social then, even more so now. She was tired. Sleepy. Exhausted. She might be coming down with a flu. Or she might be coming down with her period. But whatever. As long as she was happy.
But I don't think she was a happy person. No.
Maybe it was the song that was on repeat in her discman. It was a sad song. A Sad Song for a Sad Her.

How can she ever be happy when there's someone around. No, it's getting harder for her to be happy. Shit. Eighteen years of age should never be the case. It should never happen. Birthdays aren't meant to be celebrated. Friends should always reply messages. And the whole of mankind should never fall in love. There should be no school so that she can play around all day long and live life the way it should be led.
School is a conspiracy between the King of Suffering and the Queen of Sadism. I bet love is too.
She thinks the world is flawed.
Man is flawed.
But yet time is flawless.
Unless you consider the fact that it makes people forget.
But then again that would be a human flaw wouldn't it.
No, I don't think she was a happy person. No.

Eternal Noob of the Eternal World

Donny discovers a disturbing trend. The frequency of Donny's entries fall into a rhythm that closely follows Donny's mood cycles. If Donny's happy, Donny updates. If Donny's unhappy, Donny updates. If Donny's feeling like crap, all the more Donny updates. What a simple person in this simple world. Wait, what a joke-- simple world. Donny thinks that a simple world is a fallacy. Who in the right mind would say that this is a simple world? Okay Donny just did, but then again Donny's mind is kinda dysfunctional and screwed so that does not count as someone who's in the right mind.

The reason behind my entire dysfunctionality is simple, but yet at the same time incomprehensible, exhausting, consuming and plainly irritating. I am irritated by the fact that the emotional value attatched to the root cause, having been something rather insignificant and inconsequential, has morphed into something that is rather overwhelming and choking. Yes, there is nothing more appropriate than 'choking'. I can't even breathe without thinking of it. It's like a brainworm, putting itself on eternal repeat until my entire mind can hardly withstand the continuity of such a fundamental problem that it breaks down in disarray and my life goes into the pittest of all doldrums.
I have just laid down the foundation for my drowning.