Exfoliation

On My Way Home

2011-07-28T06:04:00.001+08:00

I know, the title sounds like a potential national day song right. But don't worry i'm not trying to compose any cheesy song -- I am in fact on my way home right now, on bus number 14. I boarded at 11:47pm at bedok interchange. Half an hour later the time is 12:20am and I am at east coast road. Is Singapore strangely huge or what? Anyhow i'm the only person sitting on the upper deck of this lovely double-decker bus, and it's a little creepy I must admit. I'm nervously picking at the skin on my lip and I think the bus driver must be creeped out by me too.

It's just gotten me thinking, there are tons of places in my own country that I haven't seen. Somehow I just feel like we always say that Singapore is a small country, and that there's nothing to do here. No doubt it is tiny on a global scale, but honestly, how many of us can say that we know this small country inside out? I think many of us dream of seeing the world, but what's the point of being able to say that you've been around the world when you haven't been around katong/geylang/pasir panjang/bukit merah/seletar/bukit timah/kranji/jurong west all that much?

17 minutes later at 12.37am the bus is passing dhoby ghaut (is Singapore strangely small or what?), and I feel a wave of relief; I'm back in familiar territory. Suddenly being alone on the top deck of the bus doesn't creep me out that much after all.

Today was my first time trying Katong laksa and it took me all of 22 years.
Just saying.

Dear Slumberous Kingdom,

2011-07-07T02:55:00.001+08:00

What wrong have I done to incur your wrath and bring such pained exile upon this self?

Hello Slumberous World (that has left me behind)

2011-06-28T04:07:00.003+08:00

So, at 3.26am on a tuesday morning I lie in bed testing my new blogging app because I was goondu enough to take a 3 hour nap on a monday evening. Typing a blog entry on a mobile phone feels strangely personal, as if I were typing a super long sms to a friend. Pardon me if I get too long-winded, or if the layout is wonky.

In happier news, this is The Bean in my sister's womb. This was taken last week, I think The Bean has grown to the size of a pea as I am typing this.

Although you can't see it, the Bean says hi and gives a smile. (:

Anyhow, in a past life, Van the Student has graduated. "Good riddance to school," she says. In her current life, Van the Bum has once more resurfaced. "Should I take a longer break, or should I start looking," she asks. In a future
life, Van the Workforce Member complains about her job. "Man, how I miss my school days," she laments. C'est la vie indeed.

Right, I am finally yawning. I think this entry is longer than what Van the Bum can take. The Bum is going to the Birdpark with Ahmoon in about 5 hours' time, so, wish us luck that the penguins are better rested than I am so that Ahmoon has something cute to look at when the time comes. :D

posted from Bloggeroid

Roald Dahl

2011-04-28T00:05:00.003+08:00

Roald Dahl is pure magic. Reading a few pages of Matilda makes me tear like a big softie. No, it's definitely not because my 9000 word paper is due soon.

2011-01-31T11:31:00.002+08:00

I think when you keep making excuses for other people it'll get to the point where you run out of excuses and the truth will hit you worse, much worse than if you had seen them for what they were in the first place.

I hope this isn't too late

2011-01-24T00:43:00.003+08:00

Reflections of the past year: there's not much to say except that it had its highs and its lows, like all the other years before it.

What I liked about 2010 was the support that 9p gave me during my exam period. They were such sweethearts. All their texts made me smile and made my heart go fuzzy. Although I did really lousy this sem, I think I would have done worse without their encouragement. Which, if you think about it, isn't actually possible because when you're at the bottom you can't sink any further. BUT that also means that next sem will be better! Much better i hope! (: BUT anyhow, I LOVE YOU 9P!!!

What I hated about 2010 was that I missed wonderbuddy's flight. Everytime someone talks about it I still feel a cringe of guilt inside. =/

I think having neglected this blog for prolonged periods has largely stripped me of my ability to write. This feels a little unfamiliar. It's scary to realise that most of the writing I've done in the past 3.5 years have largely been academic in nature.

Tomorrow I start my last semester in school, and what can I say? I'm not feeling particularly excited, nor am I particularly dreading it. It just feels like another day is approaching, you know? Maybe it's because my timetable isn't settled yet, so it doesn't really feel like school is starting yet? GEE I DUNNO. ALL I KNOW IS I can't wait for wonderbuddy to be home, and it's killing me to find out what modules she'll be taking!! :D I hope it's something I'm taking, and I'm crossing my fingers hoho!

A part apart.

2010-12-10T04:31:00.005+08:00

Ray has been working very hard these days. Work at the comic shop takes up about 4.5 days of his week. Shipment day falls on every thursday, which is also his busiest and most exhausting day at work. Ray never fails to call me at night, even though he may be tired out from a busy day at work, and it surprises me how much we have to talk about. (I am most talkative when I am with him, but mostly I just talk a lot of rubbish. Ray is most annoying when he is with me. I dunno why. ): ) Ray spends his days off with me most of the time. Sometimes he spends them with his mom and brings her out for meals like the good boy he is. I appreciate that ray is working hard for us, and I love him for who he is.

At 5 am in the morning I declare my love for you through the interweb: I love you raymond tay! xoxo

2010-11-15T17:56:00.002+08:00

If I had one million dollars, and if I spend 50 dollars a day for the rest of my life, that one million dollars could last me 54 years, 9 months and 18 days. School is awesome.

1. I don't spend that much a day. That sum will last me much longer.
2. I don't know if I'll live to 76 years old. I could probably spend much more than $50 a day.
3. It would be awesome if I had a million dollars.
4. School is not awesome.

right...

2010-11-08T23:01:00.002+08:00

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAaaaaaaaaa......

Don't call me a Stalker

2010-11-01T01:11:00.004+08:00

So I found my cousin's blog after much snooping on google, and I realised she's a much more down to earth person than she lets on during the occasional conversations we have.

The oldies have been comparing us to each other ever since we were toddlers, making us stand back to back to see who's taller, side by side to see who's "healthier" (amazing euphemism for "fatter"), until it got to a point where Chinese New Year was (and still is) closely associated with being judged by the relatives. Even though they don't do it as much now, I bet you in their hearts they're all thinking that my cousin's the smarter and awesomer one who's going to bring honour and glory to the family while I'm the stupider and fatter one who's gonna waste her life away as a bum, or something. ):

Anyway, all that comparing didn't stop me from running off downstairs to the playground with her each year to talk about our lives, and to gossip about the aunts and uncles, or to buy sparklers with our ang bao money from the mamak store. The most vivid memory of us sitting at the playground involved her telling me about her guitar club, her good friends in school which included guys and guys didn't happen in ther school until she went to JC, me in my sec 4 short-hair-large-tee-shirts-and-berms phase, stepping on some smelly cat poo, and above all, the longing to do this every single time we meet during the subsequent CNYs.

But it didn't happen again. I think somehow we just outgrew such feelings of spontaneous chummy behaviour. Somehow reading her blog brings back a little of those days, where she was open around me and we could talk about anything. The past few years she pretty much keeps mum.

I think I like reading blogs for that reason. You get to see another side of people that isn't always apparent when you interact with them in real life. You get to see how another person's life is lived, and knowing that you can't get to experience every single thing that this world can offer in your short lifetime, you can always rely on other people's experiences to get a sense of the possibilities you're missing out. You see the vast strata of lifestyles and experiences and it just makes you wonder. But more than anything, I like how blogs give different perspectives about people.

2010-08-13T00:49:00.002+08:00

I never thought that I would feel this way, but somehow looking at all those facebook posts makes me feel more distant than it makes me feel connected.

teeheehee

2010-06-09T01:02:00.002+08:00

So I have very just finished viewing my dear cousin's photos on facebook, those taken with his girlfriend, in an album titled ":D" which, in my opinion, says very much about the state of their relationship and I think it's pretty awkward seeing him pose rather intimately with her. Well when I say intimately I don't mean they were eating each other's faces or something, they were really just hugging, and maybe it got slightly raunchier towards the end of the album where he was kissing/smelling her face. (HAHA what were you expecting huh?) I dunno man, there's just something quite uncomfortable seeing your cousins and their other halfs posing like that for photos. I mean, where's the guy who used to put bunny ears on your head in group pictures you know? And the guy who used to make funny faces at the camera? Where did he go too? Heehee.

IT'S SO WEIRD i still have that weird feeling in me, and it kinda makes me want to giggle awkwardly i don't know why. hahaaha somewhere else another cousin must be looking at my facebook photos thinking "This is SO WEIRD HEEHEE" *giggles*. HAHAH okay I just made myself feel weirder.

In another day and time, having dealt with secondary school kids I think they're quite a funny bunch, as in they really make me laugh and it's good. They call me "cher" and it makes me feel good too. HOHOHO. Well I wouldn't know because it was really pretty much a one off thing, and I don't know if after having to face them for 9 months in a year I would still think that they're "quite a funny bunch, as in they really make me laugh and it's good". Ah, I can still think about it then I guess.

So at work today there was a trainer who stopped his workout and hung around the counter for about 15 minutes, afterwhich he said "Okay i'm gonna go work out now, i just became smaller." Okay that's random.

You have a nice day too! (:

Maybe this is how the world works

2010-05-03T14:02:00.004+08:00

So it's raining heavily outside and I'm cooped up in my room wondering why it always seems so much easier for people to be upset and get hung up over the things that people don't do rather than to appreciate and remember the things that they did. I think we are all guilty of this to some extent.

As I sit here mulling I am very tempted to conclude that this is how the world works, but that would seem almost too easy. (oooh loud thunder =/)

Bessie's in a foul mood today. She was literally screaming at the top of her lungs because Phillip didn't close the hall window and let the rain splash in. Apparently the "windows are wet, the chAIRS ARE WET, THE CABINET IS WET AND THE NEWSPAPER IS WEEEETAAAARGGGHHHH!!!!!!" I think she screamed till she almost choked on the "WEEEETAAAARGGGHHHH". =/ And she was asking why nobody went out to help her with the situation. Heck of course not, I was trembling in the closet even after having locked the bedroom door and seriously, would you go out there to get screamed at and risk your ears falling off?

Honestly I think there might be something wrong with her, well i'm not sure, but she's really annoying nowadays like never before. When we're watching tv she always asks for the actors' names, and each time I want to tell her that it doesn't matter because she will forget it the next day anyway. She's been glued to the tv too, usually watching waaay past her bedtime. And she's also been pretty cranky these days. ugh. I wish my sister was here to share the brunt with me. Nah just kidding. It just feels like i've lost a partner in battle.

Exams are over!!! (: As a reward I give myself 5 yellow stars in the "conquering exams" chapter in "My Handbook to Life". ((((:

Slacker Post!

2010-04-26T18:41:00.004+08:00

Every year spent in an educational institute seems to sap up some of my will to study. I must have lost all will since secondary two. I've got an examination tomorrow but yet I don't feel the pressure to study hard for it. I think this is what they call Attainment of Nirvana in a State of Slack.

I Thank the Very First Person Who Decided to Blog.

2010-04-02T01:30:00.005+08:00

I was reading all the past 9P entries and I thought it was funny how I wrote 2 years ago so I stole it off the 9P blog and put it on my own haha. I mean, how random is "eating orange peels for meals"?

So, since our last post in 2006, here I am once again in 2008, (we can pretend we all had time lapses, and the last two years we spent in outer space not knowing we've been eating orange peel for meals) trying to bring a little semblance of activity back into the blog. (: Kudos to me for effort. Oh man I am so thick-skinned sometimes. "Only sometimes," I insist.

SO! If you actually read this, write an entry to let me know that you still read this godforsaken (yes godforsaken, but sainotforsaken) blog. Hahaha I know dg occasionally drops by to tag. Check out the tag board man, she left a tag in 2007 proudly proclaiming that she'd tagged the first tag of 2008. I LAUGHED when I saw the tag can. Maybe dg secretly moves forward and backward in time. And that spawned a First Tag of the Year thread. How retarded can we get la.

Ha I emailed you guys invites to be authors in this blog. It was weird cause blogger asked me to sign in with a google account but there was difficulty creating a new account so I used my gmail account, don't mind okay? Check your email! (:

Hehheh I am supposed to be working on my editing files now and I am so far behind my work schedule but anyway a short update on today's prata outing!

jas, mel and I met for prata at the usual bukit timah prata shop for lunch. AND OH guess what, I saw a certain Girl Guide teacher surnamed Loh on the bus today and I got the creeps la. I was asking mel if I should do something to her, but I decided that I'm a nice person and nice people don't bear grudges so I very nicely alighted without giving her head a hard push. So anyway, we had prata, and they ate boring pratas. jas ate like cheese mushroom prata (not so boring prata) and mel had cheese prata and egg prata( boring pratas. don't tell mel i said that. i think she won't read this ho ho ho). I, on the other hand, had cheese prata and prata PISANG (like PISAI can. oh man i am so childish) which is banana prata and they had the cheek to discriminate my banana prata. I liked it, but they obviously didn't. hahaha. But what matters is I liked it.

And then we had difficulty deciding where to go after the meal. And we finally decided to go to Island Creamery like after an hour. So off to IC it was, and did I mention that the weather was sweltering hot? urgh. It was. And the walk from the bus stop to the place was pretty lengthy. But we cooled off in the aircon at the Creamery so it wasn't that bad. Oh we spotted Jil in a photograph on the wall in the ice cream place. Okay random. Mel and I leeched off their free water supply that by right jas was the only legitimate one who was entitled to drink from because she was the only one who bought ice cream. I wanted to but I was broke. ): But I just got my cheque banked in and soon I will be rich!

So anyway, jas finished her ice cream and we made our way to Queensway Shopping Centre. Haha. The bus ride there was super fun la. The bus 93 didn't have aircon, and when it arrived at the bus stop the two of them were like, "EHH!! Now still got bus no aircon one meh?! The bus fare got cheaper not?" Made me feel like I was the only one who wasn't a suaku. Waherm.
So anyway, jas bought pretty, bling Nike shoes at Queensway! Was a steal really, value for money, good buy. We left the place at about 6 pm and took 61 back to bukit timah. The bus ride home was priceless. We had intellectual discussions about unsightly sleeping positions of commuters and various other topics. (:

I had a good time today, as usual when I am out with the 9Ps. Oh and wt agrees that this blog should be revamped because we are all mature young adults now, and pink really is a frivolous youth's colour. And wt thinks that our minds are all in the gutter because we have names like 'sai' and 9'pee'. Ah well. We aren't frivolous youths, so we should have an image revamp. I know dg is dying to do up the blog, right dg? Haha. Okay that's it for now la huh. I've got editing to do. URGH. Someone put me out of my misery. ):

Not that I'm exactly miserable. (:

Love, sai.

I laughed at fellow-minnah-skippy's entries too, and melmel's "very first (and pretty much only) entry!" mostly because they brought back extremely fond memories, some of which I had cleanly forgotten. (It made me realise that we were ALWAYS into Amazing Race, even when we were younger haha!) It's all very nice, I like the way we were, and i like the way we are. Even though I think we can still spend more time together. Nowadays when we meet it's all about art and craft HAHA. But it's undeniably fun. Even though we aren't as rowdy and crazy as we used to be, oh scratch that, i got reminded that we can still get very rowdy at times haha.

I have come to realise how fragile human relationships, especially friendships, can be. I admit that I don't put in that much efforts in friendships that I have made in the past few years because somewhere along the way, priorities have shifted. I am still looking to set that right, and in general to set my life right because these people matter to me. They do, I just don't show it as readily as I used to.

When I was in secondary school I was all about friends, like if there were silly memes that had questions like "who is more important, friends or family?" I would answer friends without hesitation. But at the age of 21, this has changed, and I am all about family now. Maybe it's because somewhere in my head something clicked when I saw that my dad now has saggy skin and white hairs on his head which I had never noticed before, and that everytime my mom gets up from the floor she has to support herself on the ottoman because of the pain in both her knees. When I look at my dad I subconsciously compare him to the image I have of him in his younger days, where he had thick black hair, lean muscles and a flat belly. When I look at my mom I compare her to when she had clear rosy skin and could walk for long periods of time.

I wonder where my younger parents have gone, and I wish they would come back. But every day that dawns I am faced with the effects of irreversible time, and I am reminded every day that age is fast catching up with my parents. I am scared stiff by the prospect of watching them age and eventually pass away, and when I think of this there is that heaviest weight on my heart that makes it sink to a new depth every day that passes. I don't think I can continue anymore so I shall stop.

People in Life III

2010-03-05T23:46:00.004+08:00

Quite some time ago, I met a man called Mr Loh.
He was an unscrupulous business man, and I felt like one of the black pieces in his business plan,
contributing to its growth in the small ways in which my role was mapped.

This Mr Loh always wore ties with tacky prints,
and trousers that seemed 2 sizes too big, and when he walked he strutted, and
he told all the black pawn pieces that he had cctvs in the store such that he could observe us from his house when he was not around.
His eye glasses were bifocal, and he always wore them near the tip of his nose.
When he looked at you he hardly blinked, and the only time he smiled
was when customers were about.

This man wasn't the best of bosses, but he was extremely acute:
his acumen for business is as sharp as a shark's tooth.
He played the customers like white pieces, and pitted us against them.
He only made his appearance when he deemed the customer worthy of his time and vile manipulation,
and you could be sure there was only one thing on his mind, or three if you prefer: It was always about the money, money, money.
Other times he couldn't be bothered and acted through his weaker business partner,
a chubby, dark complexioned man whose name sounded like Hester.

When Loh said he wanted to help you, that's when you should be cautious.
You could easily fall into the trap he spins with words to lure you in.
The lies he made us tell the white pieces were to be said with smiles,
he planted more lies among us, which almost made our friendships sour.
I'm only glad I got out fast because I could have been in a worse-off disposition
if I didn't have the foresight to ignore his dubious promises of flexible working hours and increased weekend wages.

Acute Businessman Loh, I'm glad to have met you -- at least you made me see the dark side of business and possible untrustworthiness of the people behind it. I wish never again to see you, because you look unpleasant as it is, and any mode of interaction is out of the question, I promise you won't see even glimmer of recognition in my face.

They keep going, but they'll come back.

2010-02-23T00:32:00.003+08:00

1 month after datou left, rinnie flew for australia today. All I seem to remember at the airport is that it was a big rush, from terminal to terminal, the last minute fussing over the packages, all the frenzied photo taking, rine having to rush to catch her plane. I think we took up her shopping time. ):

I really loved the smile on her face, because I thought it was also especially brilliant. I dunno what it is with brilliant smiles and departures. I think it's the excitement plus nervousness and the not knowing what to expect in a new land with a new start. But anyhow I thought rine was really strong, because she just went in like that, without hesitation in her footsteps.

And like datou, she too was unsure of which direction to head to get to her gate, and I had that same wave of emotion, and the same feeling that I was watching this girl on her way to becoming a woman. All I know is that when rine comes home she won't only be the smart, intelligent, brave, pretty young girl. She'll be a smart, intelligent, brave, pretty young woman who is kickass psychologist. And that makes me feel very proud of her. It's like witnessing the transition of my girly friend into a womanly friend.

All in all I hope that Australia is nice to rinnie, and that she'll be safe and sound, and take care of herself well. And that she'll come home with the same brilliant smile and fierce spirit, and never to lose the hearty laugh that she has. One year is twice of six months, thrice of four months, and six times of two months. Counting like that seems to make time go slightly faster.

And yet I miss her already.

Happy Valentine's Day!

2010-02-16T23:16:00.009+08:00

Today was spent at the Science Centre, at the Body Worlds exhibit. Honestly it wasn't worth the 20 dollars, because everywhere you walked to it was there were the same dusty, cobwebbed bodies all over again. I have to admit though, that the giraffe and the horse bodies were pretty impressive. But here's a tip: the giraffe body you can see when standing outside the exit of the hall, and the horse body you can give a miss because there are pictures online.

Hey watch that hand, mate, you don't want that horse disintegrating on you.
(http://open.salon.com/blog/lost_in_berlin/2009/05/10/sex_after_death_the_new_body_worlds_exhibit_shocks_berlin)

Which means that you actually don't have to purchase a ticket to go in and look at 71 dead plastinated bodies because you can get a free show by standing at the exit. I would suggest you buy a 6 dollar ticket to enter the Science Centre instead because it definitely is so much more fun. And 6 dollars is a cheap price to pay for that many exhibits that you can interact with. Unlike boring, dusty plastinated bodies that you can't even touch. And it's not that they'll disintegrate la, they just don't fancy people pulling off strips of ligaments and little threads of nerves and blood vessels from the exhibits i think. If asked to choose, I won't be greedy, I just want the cute blood-vessels-and-capillaries chicken...

which looks like this, but in the shape of a chicken. It's quite cute really, like wiry red sponge.
(http://www.blogto.com/arts/2009/10/body_worlds_returns_to_toronto_this_time_with_more_heart/)

A note on the dust: It's in abundance everywhere, on the showcases, on the bodies, in the air, on the carpeted ground... you name it, it's extremely dusty. Oh and not to mention live people too, they were everywhere too. Mingling with the dead bodies. Ha, morbid thought I just had that I'm not sharing with you. Ray made a demented joke about tour groups being offered free entry, and then ending up as the exhibits.

I think this should be my favourite dead, plastinated, dusty human body. He's carrying his own skin, and it's really thick, like hide. I don't know why his skin is so thick.
(http://open.salon.com/blog/lost_in_berlin/2009/05/10/sex_after_death_the_new_body_worlds_exhibit_shocks_berlin)

Anyhow, I didn't think it was worth it. Uh uh. Nope. Oh well, but I guess it's those once in a lifetime kinda thing, like Universal Studios Singapore at Resort World Sentosa. 66 bucks for a ticket! Gee. I predict the only two times in my life I'll ever go is with Ray, and when I'm married with (hypothetical) kids and the kids want to go. I'll make sure there're no more kids in the production factory first, and bring all the (hypothetical) children I have. "Once is enough," I'll tell them, "if not mommy will have to go and be one of those plastinates in Gunther Von Hagens' Body Worlds, and you kids can use the money they send to you then."

新年快乐!

2010-02-15T14:29:00.003+08:00

WE ARE NOT WHAT YOU THINK WE ARE
WE ARE GOLDEN
WE ARE GOLDEN!

I just think that people shouldn't be so narrow towards others' beliefs, ways of life, mindsets, habits way of doing things etc and think that just because they do it a different way from them that they should be restricted, and told off. Nobody has the right to tell anybody else what to do, and how to do it. Unless it's morally incorrect, then that's another story for another day.

What does Chinese New Year mean to you?

2010-02-10T00:23:00.001+08:00

Sometimes my mind randomly brings me back to the moment my uncle passed away and it all still feels like it only happened yesterday.

Today.

2010-01-12T01:18:00.004+08:00

Dear world, today you taught me one lesson with two examples.

11pm at night, 9p was at the airport to see Datou off. We took lots of photos, and my favourites were the polaroid ones. Happy Friend went into the waiting lounge at 12am, and as she turned back she flashed us a most brilliant smile. She looked so much like a little kid venturing into a huge playground with unsure steps, and as we looked at her find her way to her gate, all I could think of was "dt, please be safe."I admit I was worried, still a little now, that the silly big head will be stumbling along, and that she would be a little lost in a foreign land. But I know she is resilient, like how canoe polo has trained her to be, and that she will learn along the way. The only thing that I would ask for from anybody out there and up there who can hear me, is that my Happy Friend gets all the help she needs from anybody who can help her over where she is.

She may have looked a little lost, but as she eventually walked in the right direction I knew that this was how it was meant to be. It may throw you off your feet a little in the beginning, but once you get the hang of it it'll be fine, and I know that datou will be just fine. 6 months in Sweden should be a whole lot of fun.

11am in the morning, dajie officially moved out. It's been ongoing for some time, and I knew all along that she eventually was going to move, but I just didn't expect it to be so sudden and abrupt. Her room is now a vacant space in the house and when I step in it's so empty that I can almost hear my thoughts echo off the walls. I dislike the echoes that ring in the empty room. It amplifies every single tiny sound, even the sound of quiet loneliness. From now on it's just mom, dad and me. I won't have my sis randomly popping her head into my room asking to borrow my mp3 charger anymore. Or pestering me to transfer new songs into her mp3 player. Or just watching dvds together in their room anymore.

Bukit Gombak isn't so far away, but it definitely isn't near at all considering she's been living with me for 21 years of my life. It definitely doesn't feel right when I have to sms her "see you on thursday" for the first time ever when it always used to be "see you later at home!" It's absolutely heartwrenching. But then again that's how it is right. Now that she has her own life to live, I wish her all the best, and that she'd come home often for dinners! And I'm looking forward to stay overs and dinners at her place too.

I used to imagine how my mom and her sisters were before they each got their own houses, and how they must have felt having to move apart from one another. I haven't fully accepted that she has moved out for good, but I guess I will learn to cope. I imagine my parents must feel sadder than I feel. It's like having to finally come to terms with their daughter being all grown up.

Today, the first day in school, a lecturer asked a question: "When does a child officially become an adult?"
I think I've got the answer. It's today.
It's today that I become an adult.

Come on, let's get a move on.

2010-01-08T01:01:00.004+08:00

Today, things went wrong. At 1 pm in the afternoon I sat on the toilet bowl and didn't want to leave home. Everything was not going well. I was already dressed and ready to leave, but I couldn't. I looked at the pink blob on the toilet paper and imagined it becoming alive. It was like a piece of flesh from the inside, and it looked like it could breathe. I was looking forward to today, and I was looking forward to it going smoothly so that I could go home to do some editing before the day ended and send it to my editor, but it didn't, and it was alright.

It was drizzling when I left your house, and then I realised I had forgotten to take the heart that she wanted to give me. I know she said it in passing, but at that point it really meant alot to me. I had half the mind to text her to keep it for me, but I guess it would have been weird for her.

Everything feels a bit off nowadays. In my humble opinion, I think it's only because at the beginning you and I spent so much time together, and now that we're comfortable with each other and not spending so much time now -- only now-- do I realise that you're not the one I used to know. Over the years you have changed subtly, and we were close enough and met often enough such that I didn't realise the change in you. When you were with me you showed me a side of you that I had gotten used to over the years. What I didn't see was the time that we did not spend together. What did you do in that time then?

Today I am tired. I am tired of editing taking away my time. People think that editing is easy peasy, just like everybody else who isn't in another person's shoes. But it's not easy at all. Everybody must be thinking, how much time can editing take up? And how difficult can reading a few pages of words be? To be honest, it is the constant thought that is on my mind. I get no peace when I have unedited files due in a tight deadline. Every day without fail I wake up, switch on the computer and sit down to edit, have some lunch, watch some tv, go back to editing till it's dinner time, get distracted some, have dinner, chat on the phone with ray, go back to editing till about 3 am, sleep, wake up the next morning and repeat the routine. It's sickening at times, but I don't complain because the money is good. Sometimes when I sit and stare at the computer screen for 3 to 5 hours straight i get a neck pain that only office workers should be getting, and I don't even realise it until I move my stare away from the monitor, but I don't complain because the money is good. At times, it takes my social time away, like today and previously, where everything I plan I have to plan it around editing. And people possibly aren't happy about it, but I'm not complaining because the money is good. And I sometimes don't like the side of me that works for the money.

Some people don't see the need to earn so much money when we're still studying. Some people don't need the money. I would like to spend the last few days of the holiday enjoying myself too, who wouldn't? Some people don't understand your job. But that's only because they're not wearing your shoes, and however much you wished you were wearing theirs, you're not.

And a very happy new year to you too.

Hello Post Exams World!

2009-12-19T00:38:00.003+08:00

Reading mel's blog inspired me to update mine. I think it's amazing that she's started a blog, and I really like reading her entries. (:
Jas' blog is so depressing, she's always talking about disappearing that I'm quite afraid that she might be entertaining some darn morbid thoughts. But I've got faith in her that she will tide through this, because like rachie says, bad things always pass, and I agree. Hang in there skippylee!
Datou's blog is pretty much about random things that I sometimes don't get. But recently she's been talking about her preparations for the exchange trip. Exchange sucks, it takes people away. =/ For 6 months at that.
Carinnie's blog is like mine, the entries hardly come, and the blog can't update itself, so in her words, "I think my blog is gathering mould."

Well I've been wanting to update for ages, but somehow exams, work, love and friends managed to get in the way. I still want to write about the fantabulous birthday that 9P did for me! Because I don't ever want to forget the euphoria of that day. I keep thinking, okay I shall do a post about my birthday, but I never do get to it because... well, see above. I also want to write about how the exams went, and how terrible it is when ray falls sick, and how i missed my mom when she went to vietnam, and how guilty I felt leaving my dad at home to eat dinner by himself when I went out everyday for one week after the exams, and oh, how I found this exact same La Dame aux Camelias quote in one of my previous blog entries on a schoolmate's blog. (What are the chances! The exact same passage with the exact same way of citing the author! Technically it isn't plagiarism because there was the book title and author's name, but it was weird seeing that, like someone just ripped your entire entry off your blog.) But well, you know, life got in the way I guess.

Right now I'm supposed to be doing editing. I've got like, 210 Word pages due on the 22nd, and then another 70 due on the 24th. And it's christmas week next week, I don't think it's even human for people to be doing work during christmas week! ): Why can't we have week long (or is it month long?) holidays like they do in China? And I've done christmas shopping for my family and I am so happy hohoho! I just know that they're gonna like their presents. Actually that's what I thought last year too, but it turned out that they didn't really like their presents. Nonetheless, it's a new year and a brand new christmas, so hurrah! They'll love their presents this year! But I haven't bought any for 9p and ray yet, and CHRISTMAS IS IN, WHAT, SIX DAYS?!! AND OF ALL TIMES I'VE GOT EDITING NOW?!?! AND WHAT ABOUT CHRISTMAS CARDS?! AAAAAAAH!

One thing though, I can't have xmas eve dinner with 9P because my folks are having it on christmas eve despite my relentless objections. ): And 9P always has dinner on christmas eve! Man. How do I resolve this. ): Gah.

Ray is sick with a throat infection poor boy. ("Not poor!") and I've got to go to my sister's house tomorrow at 9.30 am because she's expecting her furniture to arrive, and she doesn't have anybody else to accompany her so I'm gonna be nice and do it. After all her birthday's in 6 days' time. (: The dog is whining outside my room door I'm gonna let it sleep on my bed tonight because it's gonna be Christmas soon.

Nah the dog is imaginary. But the rest is real!

I Have Powers to Predict the Future

2009-10-16T01:12:00.002+08:00

And even if I don't, I just know that this Saturday will be a BLAST! Like, BOOMZ! (gosh it's everywhere isn't it, even in nondescript blogs.)

Today, deetee messaged me "omg happy friend GO AND OPEN YOUR MAIL BOX," and I did, and I found that a cryptic message had arrived in the form of a letter through the mail. Upon opening the envelope, I saw two inserts. On one side of the first cardboard insert, it said "The Amusing Race," (it's SO 9P la, must have been skippy's idea can) complete with the signature Amazing Race clue card design. (Back at you skippy, "amaze me, amuse me" EH?) On the opposite side, it says "OUR PLANS HAVE CHANGED" in capitals, and below, "**DO NOT BE LATE**". (Something tells me that I musn't be late, and that they expect deetee and me to be able to figure out the location. What if we don't?!?) The second insert was a hand-drawn map. AAAAAHHHHH! And I died on the spot from the excitement that my 21 year old heart could not take.

Because of all the effort that 9P has put into designing the Amusing Race, I just know that it will be great. (: And I am terribly excited! So excited that I can't concentrate on my assignment. Speaking of which, it must be the busy period for them now too, and yet they took time off to think of this lovely race (cum tekkan session) thingum. (: They're the sweetest (and the most mischievious) really! BIG KISSES TO YOU GIRLS!

Another Day Over, Another Year Older.

2009-10-13T18:17:00.003+08:00

Paying tribute to my loner days in JC, I have taken to updating this blog in school once again. This time the computer lab is filled with girls. And I am looking off their screens and seeing some KFC webpage, which is making me hungry. By now it should be pretty apparent that I am trying to while away time. I am supposed to meet Ray at boonlay later for a movie, but he hasn't had his last parade yet.

You know what? I really miss Rachel. Especially when Coldplay's 'The Scientist' comes on in my playlist, I feel like I can swim all the way to Australia and walk to Canberra to find her. Talk about budget travel.

Tomorrow I turn 21, which means that I'll be able to vote for the next elections. But other than that I really don't know what else it means. I haven't found the meaning of turning 21. Right now it just feels like a number to me. A number like 14 or 9. Let me figure out some new direction, and then I'll tell you how it feels to turn 21.

The other day in lecture, this Chinese girl came to sit beside me and started chatting with me. Her english was good for someone who only came to Singapore 2 months ago. (Did the school term only start 2 months ago? It actually feels like half a year had already gone by.) She asked me what my favourite book was. I was speechless for a moment. I find that at times like this when people ask me what my favourite book is my mind usually goes blank. Because I can't seem to think of the books that I like in an instant. Then I answered "Roald Dahl" because I honestly do like his works. Not those that he wrote for adults, but his childrens' books. Fantastic. I grew up reading them.

I am bad at formulating my thoughts and recounting events when you talk to me face to face. I usually stutter and have to think for a long time before actually remembering what exactly I want to say, and what happened. So if you ask me if anything interesting happened I'll probably save myself the embarrassment and say "nope, nothing interesting happened to me recently, how about you?".

After half a year this semester at school I concluded that I am officially a moron.

come undone in the sun

2009-10-12T01:50:00.002+08:00

"However much you love a woman, however much you trust her, however sure of the future her past life makes you, you are always jealous to some degree. If you have ever been in love, really in love, you must have experienced this need to shut out the world and isolate the person through whom you wished to live your whole life. It is as though the woman you love, however indifferent she may be to her surroundings, loses something of her savour and consistency when she comes into contact with men and things."
(La Dame aux Camelias, Alexandre Dumas fils)

Slaps forehead

2009-08-19T20:20:00.003+08:00

What happens when you feel like you've been taken for granted? And I don't mean it in a "hey I know you're sick but could you swing by and buy a packet of char kway teow for me?" way, but rather in a "hey I know you're sick but could you (go down to the supermarket to buy some ingredients, oh and I do want cockles in my kway teow, fresh ones please!) cook some char kway teow and deliver it to my home for me?" way. Well, the above scenarios are hypothetical, but I'm just trying to prove a point.

Sucks man.

I Scored One.

2009-06-25T03:24:00.002+08:00

Recently I've been pretty emotional. But yesterday while I was doing laundry and listening to music at the same time, I suddenly got reminded of us, and how unexpectedly that we end up together after some years, that ray was just a boy that I saw at a random campfire, and that the goodness that I have found in him is something that I know I will never take for granted. And I realised that I'm an extremely lucky girl.

I had the renewed vision of what it is like being a part of a family unit. I had newfound appreciation for every thing that my parents have done for me, and I am extremely grateful for them. I have had thought nasty thoughts about them in the past, and I have had shut them out before. I finally understood that no one is perfect, and that what my dad and mom have done for the family is way beyond their flaws, and that I am most willing to overlook those tiny imperfections. And now that they are getting on in age, I want to be able to provide for them, and let them rely on me like I have relied on them my entire life up till now.

I also came to terms with my sister being married. I accepted that we could not be as close to each other as in the past, because she now has someone who will occupy a large part of her life, and she does not have as much time for me. And on my part I acknowleged that I have also left out much less time to spend with her because now I have got ray. And on weekends he and i go out and do stuff, and on weekdays when she comes home she's almost always in the room with joe. But I know that she will always be there for me when I need her, and that she will always be the dajie that I can turn to, whom I can borrow stuff from, and whom I have always loved as before.

I suddenly missed how 9p was in secondary school, when we more or less had lives that involved each other. I saw that this is what growing up and being apart does to people. It puts some distance between people, and with age people change, and that adds a little more distance until I see the same girls who stand before me, the ones I felt like I have known all my life, having become young ladies with plans for the future, with aspirations, with careers in the making, with different passions, with different characters and opinions. And I wonder how much more we will grow, and fervently hope to an invisible force to make us grow up slower, not too fast that we let details fly by, but also not too slow that we yearn to grow up quicker. I fervently hope too, that these girls retain all the innocence of their childhood and school days which will allow them appreciation for the littlest bit of beauty and wonder in the world that they may find, be it lush green leaves rustling in the wind, or the smell of crisp earthy morning air, and not get taken by the so-called-grownups-who-can't-wait-to-grow-up and adults' "oh-i'm-so-jaded-nothing-can-impress-me-now" attitude. I fervently hope that they can find happiness in the smallest things, and that they can only want nothing else.

For The Greater Good

2009-05-14T00:44:00.004+08:00

Eugene had a difficult time dealing with his conscience.

His training had taught him that the passengers' safety is always top priority, and in the event of the unfortunate person falling onto the train tracks, he was to sacrifice that particularly unfortunate life for greater good - saving the passengers on board from the sudden application of emergency brakes which could send any passengers on their feet lunging violently forward. It was also easier for the company to dismiss the unfortunate death as a horribly unfortunate incident altogether, rather than to account for the numerous injuries caused by the driver's split second decision to jam-brake the train.

There is a standing joke-that-isn't-really-funny among the colleagues: The worst time for anybody to fall down onto the train tracks is during rush hour - confirm become sacrifice, and the company has to deal with waves of public dissention of "Why wait for train wait so long, why can't you guys be more efficient" and whatnot. The worst part of the train tracks to fall on is at the end part of the station, where the train first enters - driver confirm cannot spot you fast enough and train only just starting to reduce speed. The best kind of people to fall onto the tracks are fresh literature graduates - fresh out of university, with no concrete direction in life, and no skill that is valuable to the workforce, they are pretty much busy being a waste of valuable resources anyway.

Eugene was highly aware of the moral implications that came with sacrificing a human life in return for the safety of the majority, but what's done's done.

Twenty years later today, Eugene's stuck in a rut, constantly reminding himself that it's for the greater good, it's for the greater good. Training didn't teach him how to assuage the guilt that was haunting him. And nobody told him that it would last this long.

But it was probably for the greater good.

This is Heat like I've Never Known It.

2009-05-06T16:52:00.002+08:00

For the first time since the stupid examinations ended, behold, a blog entry of sorts! =D

In a narcissistic fit, for the first time since I changed my blog layout, I took a look at my webpage with Internet Explorer and eeyuck, why is the layout like that? The text is tiny, too tiny, don't read it! It's bad for eyesight. Growls.

I don't understand! How come it looks perfectly fine with Mozilla? *grumbles grumbles* What am I supposed to do now? My blog is so pretty on Mozilla aaaaah!

Dear Friend,

2009-04-06T00:38:00.005+08:00

My Favourite Dancer.
If you think she's gorgeous static, you should see her on stage--
Absolutely E.lec.tri.fy.ing.
(Photo shamelessly ripped off Facebook, credits to this person called Chong Ng)

Our Favourite Dancer was terribly stressed up about her TPDE concert because while the other dancers were having rehearsals from 9 to 6 on weekdays, she had work to contend with. Thus she had to make do with only 1 rehearsal per week on saturdays, and although I don't know much about dance, I do know that rehearsals are supremely important, and that one-rehearsal-per-week probably isn't enough to ensure a smooth performance. The Dear Dancer was pretty distressed, saying that she had a role as one of the stepsisters, and it was a pretty big role, and that she definitely wouldn't want to screw up. So a couple of days before the concert she broke down during practice. Listening to this you probably think she messed up big time on stage. Or if not, bungled at least one dance routine.

Well, all I can say is that, they don't declare her the "Best Female Dancer" of Funkamania XIV for nothing.

She completely nailed it.
Skippy was more than amazing on stage during the TPDE dance concert this year. I recall it to be the best she's ever been, in fact. And I think carinnie agrees with me. (: Sitting among the audience, I don't think I ever took my eyes off her whenever she came on.

To me, she is a gem of pure brilliance sparkling on stage. In hip hop terms, she is pure dope. *waves wrist in fanning motion*

Jas, I'm so proud of you.

2009-03-27T02:48:00.004+08:00

Wait wait! I forgot to tok abt my bf! Today my bf went to the jungle for training. I feel veri scareds for my bf cos i heard tt the jungle got wild boar! x= What if the wild boar attack my bf? I am veri worried. ): I luv my bf veri much, nothing mus happen to him!

And juz now rite, got one veri veri veri veri veri big beetle fly into my house! AAAAAAH! I almost faint, but luckily it fly out quickly after it fly in.

Haha, this pic got no make up so veri ugly. =pPpppPppPpP

I Simply MUST DO This.

2009-03-27T02:13:00.006+08:00

Nope not that, whoever said anything about the assignment, silly.

Helloooo frieeends!
I'm going to embark on an experimental blogging journey and do an entry about my day, maybe I'll see the logic behind people who derive joy in doing that, and I'll become one of them. Then at least this blog will be updated more frequently. Yaaay!

Today I woke up at 1 pm cos last nite i was trying to do my essay and i slept at 6 am, so i was really tired and only woke at 1. To my horror, i realised dat i was going to b late for my date with mel to buy dg's pressie! So i got up fast fast, and went to brush my teeth and bathe. When I came out of the bathroom, mel msged me and told me dat she would be driving, and said that she cld come and pick me up. Mel so nice rite~! :D So she picked me up and we went to Vivo.
Haha I luv Vivo cos it is alwaes nice and cold, and there is alwaes so many things to see!
We ate thai express for lunch, melmel had the bangkok chicken rice, and I had the glass noodles in tom yum soup. Really yummiez! Then while we were eating we kept discussing what to do for dg's bday celebration on sat, and what to buy for her.

(Aside: It actually takes more effort phrasing the sentences. I'm gonna push deeper into bimbocity. There's this mosquito flying around and it's annoying me. And I miss the tom yum soup already.)

Heehee! So we juz walk arnd aft lunch and we tot of getting face products 4 her but we didn't noe wich type to buy so we didn't buy lor. then we pass by action city, and saw many many cute cute stuffs! so we bought sumthing 4 her frm there (shhh, secret!), and den rine came to find us. we walk walk around summore and bot another 2 more pressies for her! yaaay so happie! then we acompany rine to have dinner and den melmel send us home. (:

After i reach home i ate my dinner. very yummie too! after watching tv for a while i fell asleep and woke up at 1 am to do my assignment again. But den i got distracted and come n update my blog! i luv my blog! :D

Dis is fun! I shall type like dis in future! XOXO!

Things You Didn't Know about Your Friends...

2009-03-19T02:18:00.002+08:00

..which you suddenly learn about them through their blogs. Today I saw a sensitive side of a friend that I'd never seen before. Which isn't surprising considering I've only known her for, oh, close to two years. But I only see her for at most 5 hours per week on average, so it's not much chance to have long talks and whatnots.

I was really touched by her entries and it made her feel more real as a person with emotions and feelings as compared to rather aloof-and-in-control one that I'd been accustomed to. Well, in a way I think it's quite a pity that I haven't taken the effort to get to know her more, but hey it's never too late right? Yes that's right.

So things have been slightly awful, which shouldn't be a surprise because one part of me is convinced that I am damned to rot in the deepest levels of academic hell, but another part of me is saying that salvation is still an option, and going to school definitely isn't.
So once again I am going to try and clean up my act, and hopefully this will be the last you hear of me lamenting about my less than brilliant pursuits in academic excellence.

Screwit.

2009-02-24T01:49:00.002+08:00

No Happy Friend, it's not enough that I ranted to you on MSN, I have to rant about it here too.

I'm going to Bintan tomorrow, and every inch of me screams reluctance. If it wasn't on account that I've known her for the longest time, I wouldn't even have considered before rejecting such an invitation. But at the same time it's also precisely because I've known her for the longest time that all the more I feel like I should reject her invitation.

I don't like that it's such a disorganised trip. It's the first time I'm going away to some place I don't know much about because she didn't tell us the details. Of course I know to look it up in the net, but that's not what I'm talking about. No itinerary, no details about the place we're staying in, no update on when and where to meet, no idea about when the ferry is going to leave Singapore etc. That's not planning, that's more like booking a trip for the whole lot and leaving it at that. Seriously, I can so picture what we're gonna do there, we're just gonna muck around in the sun. I'm just gonna sleep the 2 days away so that I don't have to socialise, or eat any 12 dollar per plate fish and chips which I'm sure won't be value for money. It's really just another touristy place like Sentosa where they knock the cash off visitors.

I don't like that I'm going with people I'm not familiar with. I don't even know half of the people going. Like heck I am going to enjoy making new friends on a two day trip and then say goodbye and never see them again forever. It's not even worth the bloody EFFort.

I don't like that I'm going to have to listen to mundane talk that people might throw at me. Heck, I get that a lot from her anyway. I am not interested, get it? I don't care if you think I'm 'gonna faint if you wear super short shorts and a silver bikini top' which screams LOOK AT ME or if it was your 'guy frens who asked you to buy the shorts because they think you look weird in longer shorts'. Honestly I don't give a damn. Why are you telling me all these mundane stuff? How does it help repair our diminishing friendship? It does nothing for me, and it probably stokes your vanity a little, and really, just go find someone else to tell these things to.

I am kicking myself really hard right now for being stupid enough to agree to go.

Stark Moments

2009-02-20T00:39:00.002+08:00

This morning I awoke to the fact that I can be a judgmental person at times. More so towards my closer friends.

This morning I realised that emptiness is a horrid feeling to deal with. Without school I am hollowed, like I'm not getting the fulfillment I should be getting from my self as a student. It's screwed up how I understand that, but still refuse to attend school.

I'm probably the most lazy and irresponsible person I'll ever know.

Softly Now.

2009-02-13T04:11:00.002+08:00

I don't like reading about people's breakups because it gets me all choked and soft inside, and it makes me go "why does love die?" and all the hairs on my arms stand.

I was reading random blogs and I was touched by some entries. On certain blogs it was like witnessing this generic story unfolding, from how they were really sweet in the beginning, of which the happiness accumulated through times spent on public transport, randomly making up words that were understood by only two people, family dinners, mutual support during trying times, giving and receiving second chances and the sorts, end up forgotten in a conclusive "I know we won't be happy because I wouldn't be happy."

It's pretty confounding how these things work.

Rantings of a Retard

2009-01-17T22:07:00.002+08:00

Today I was being absolutely moronic by wailing and wailing while we were stepping into the house, utterly disgracing my parents because there were neighbours coming downstairs.

"Oi, siao ah."
*Whines* "But you whacked my butt just now, and I helped to scrub the hall floor today!"

And I ran into my room in a mock hissy fit and started giggling because I had effectively embarrassed my parents in front of the neighbours. They must regret not giving me away when I was 2.

I am such an irritating kid, it's a wonder my parents still love me. So, I am going to stay up during Chinese New Year's eve so that they will have a potentially long life. I don't see how it works, but it's worth a shot anyway. And it will give me a legitimate reason for staying up late (and my mom shall not come out and say, VANESSA GO AND SLEEP LA SO LATE ALREADY STILL DON'T WANT TO SLEEP!!). It will make my parents happy too.

I have resolved to make resolutions for the Chinese New Year (talk about cheesy resolutions. It's an easy-to-achieve goal, and it will be attained by CNY yaaay!). Well it gives me some time to settle into 2009 and properly think about what I want to achieve this year.

(I HAVE HEEDED THE GOD OF BLOGS!)

2009-01-14T23:34:00.002+08:00

Today's a pretty much one of the crappiest days in a long time. I learnt that it hurts more for you in that tiny heart of yours when you hurt somebody who is already going through a bad time, even when it wasn't deliberate. It's funny how a certain bad thing that happens over a few hours can override the emotions from the good things that happen in the day, leaving you feeling as if the day's events never happened at all, and that you really only woke up at 8.30pm in the evening. Possibly daytime was really yesterday, and today only consists of night.

I started this entry having lots to say, but I guess I don't know how to put it across. I shall go watch some terribly poignant DVDs instead.

It's Almost Christmas Time!

2008-12-22T23:47:00.003+08:00

Today I had the best shopping experience ever. I never knew that shopping could be that much fun, and then I realised that this is probably what they call the true spirit of Christmas.

It may sound cliche, but it really is a good feeling buying presents for your loved ones. And it definitely helps that you've got a wonderful shopping companion by the name of Melmel. (: And you find out in weird ways that suddenly nasty salespeople and crowds don't bother you at all, that you're ridiculously happy even though it means that your bank account figure will be a measly number for the rest of the year, and that the warm fuzzy feeling you get from picturing the smiles on your loved ones' faces when they open their presents is immensely heartwarming.

I lost sight of the joy of Christmas somewhere along the way, but I'm glad that I'm starting to find it again.

Have a Happy Christmas all! :D

A Fool Spent from Defiance

2008-11-20T14:21:00.004+08:00

And then it all voices down to being too idealistic, thinking that real life is like a TV drama.

So the adults were right.

The atmosphere in the ward during my uncle's last moments was terribly stifling - or no, it was intensely sad. I've come to understand that it is at the point of finality that is the breaking point for most people, the knowledge that the heartrate monitors have gone flat for good, and that the weak revivals of heartbeat are lost to the straight line on the screen. The funny thing is that the lines aren't completely straight, they're slightly, only very slightly, jagged. Or it might be some illusory trick that your eyes play when you stare too long at the screen. All I remember from that night is that we each have got our different ways of grieving, but mostly it has to do with tears.

The few nights this week I've spent going down to a certain multi-purpose hall in the Jurong West area. At the wake we get to see all kinds of people. People you never knew were related to you.

"Carolyn, Vanessa, come over here, this is my cousin and her husband, call her so-and-so and him so-and-so."

"Orh." Repeats after mom in a mumbly voice. I've never seen these people in my life.

"Ah, hi, hi. Waaah, both your daughters look like you ah." Some acute observation skills there.

And what can we do but smile condescendingly at the tableful of old people.

One cousin said "The best places to find a partner, are at weddings and wakes."

At the wake you get to shake hands with all kinds of people. Is it possible to tell the maturity of a person from the way he shakes hands with others? There were gangly teenagers who were awkward in handshaking, those who put only their fingers into the grasp, and try to take their hand away too soon. And then there were adults who used both hands to shake, fully engulfing your hand in theirs. Being the anti-social person I am of course I was hidden behind Bessie and Phillip with Joe, who also had a bout of anti-social last night. I was looking straight into the handshakers' eyes to see if I could find out anything. I gathered that about 64.7% of them probably have never seen the man lying in the coffin throughout their entire lives before.

But you definitely have to appreciate that they took time off to come to the wake, to spread a little love to the man's relatives. And you have to admit that a wake with a large crowd definitely gives off a better vibe as compared to one that only has a few people sitting around right right?

My aunt had the warped idea of taking photographs of the wake for remembrance, and the honour of the task fell on me. It felt strange. It was like someone was pulling a weird joke. What kind of memory does that make? Definitely not a happy one.

Later will be the last time I get to see my uncle in flesh. The cremation's taking place tomorrow, but there's a damned exam in the way. How funny that most organisations and institutions only allow compassionate leave for close family members. Who's to judge if family members are close or distant? What's the measure of relationships?

All bad things like happening at once don't they.

2008-11-15T00:03:00.003+08:00

What do you say when you're faced with a man who has leukemia?

When leukemia, or any other sort of sicknesses, rear its ugly head in your face, you must not flinch. The real ugliness in sickness is not the sickness itself. It is the state that the patient is reduced to in the battle against it. You have to be there to fully understand the gravity of it, and to witness the extreme unpleasantness of it. The stories you hear on TV, they may make you cry out of sympathy, but when it comes down to the reality of it, you find that you don't cry much at all.

In fact, you don't know what to think of it. One part of you tells you "Look here now, his condition is deteriorating by the day, and they're all preparing to let him go, there's really nothing you can do now," and another part is saying "Well, maybe it's not that bad, you look at him, and you know that he wants to carry on living, and maybe, just maybe, that will keep him alive." And when you do cry, it's not out of sympathy, it's out of the prospect of loss.

There are times where you will feel angry too, and frustrated, and many times you will feel extremely helpless. Extremely. You feel angry and frustrated because all the adults are getting pastors to carry out baptism ceremonies, standing around discussing which undertaker's services should be engaged, which church the funeral should be held at, when the only thing you know for certain is that the man doesn't look dead to you. Dead people don't breathe. Dead people's pulses don't register on monitors. Dead people don't lie there fighting for life. And then you feel extremely helpless because you don't know how to make the man feel better, and you probably can't anyway. But it doesn't stop you from feeling helpless.

It's never as simple as sympathy.

When wave after wave of complications hit - fever, fungal infection of the lungs, blood infection, kidney failure, cardiac arrest, as if having leukemia was the green light for all other illnesses - all you can do is to stand there and watch him try so hard to breathe. You try to guess his thoughts, what he's thinking of when he's lying in bed, but it's probably too complicated, and a young girl like you probably won't understand. Is he in extreme pain? Does he miss his wife? Has he lived life the way he wanted? But mostly it's the pain question. Is he in a lot of pain?

You stand there listening to your mom stroke his forehead and repeat "don't worry okay? Have a good rest, just follow the light," and she asks you to speak to him. While all the time you're slightly angry, thinking, why do you ask him to rest when he doesn't want to, can't you see he's trying hard to fight for his life? But then of course you're never really sure if he still has the will to live, because whatever willpower he has might possibly be negated by pain.

There are all these thoughts running through your head, and your mouth is very dry. What's there left to say when they're all convinced he's not going to make it? When the only moment of brief consciousness is when the man opens his swollen eyes for 4 seconds and tears. When all you can see is the tube leading into his left nostril, and more tubes leading into his mouth, and you wonder where they end in the body. When you get gripped by paranoia when the damned heart rate monitor gives a long loud beep, and your mom, your dad and you immediately jerk your heads to look at it.
What's there left to say at this point?

When the hospital bills by far total up to at least 45 thousand dollars, and you see your aunties and cousin keeping vigil outside the ward almost each day, how does anyone know what to do? Who has the right to make decisions for the patient then?

What do you say when you're faced with a man who has leukemia?
What's there left to say?

The End of All Things Big and the Start of All Things Bigger.

2008-10-29T12:56:00.006+08:00

The End of All Things Big

The Start of All Things Bigger

Does My Brain Still Belong to Me?

2008-10-24T00:21:00.000+08:00

Time to time I'm reminded of how we're like two patches of fabric on a piece of patchwork. We change steps at the same time, open our mouths to speak the same instance, start humming the same song at once, (are both intensely in love with Jay Chou... not. XD) exclaim in the same fashion together at the same moment etc etc etc.

(Maybe by some bizarre twist of fate assenav isn't my twin, and instead, ahmoon is! Gasp! The horror, the horror! But incest can be kinky until you get serious and talk about giving birth to offspring-- inbred kids are so unkinky.)

Nah. How can ahmoon possibly be my twin. I think he's secretly a mind reader, and he reads my mind and copies my actions to make me think "Ah, we seem to read each other's mind, this must be what they call divine fate! He must be my destiny!" *Swoons*

No silly, I don't really think all that when we happen to mirror each other, I just laugh and silently think "haha we're cute like that." And those are nice moments. (:

The Superhero Chronicles

2008-10-10T00:21:00.002+08:00

I ought to have done this much sooner, but I didn't want to come across as sappy and mushy, but on second thoughts if you are my friend you will NEVER say I'm sappy or mushy or both. NEVER. EVER.

So there's this little story that i'm going to tell, to anybody who has any query as to how Spongemo (I Clean up Aftermath!) came to know Momo (The Amazing Dancing Bear (don't ask me why I don't know either)).

Alright so Spongemo is my superhero identity, and Momo is Raymond's. I dunno why he chose to be an Amazing Dancing Bear, but he has, and i shall not question his choice.

So anyway, i think most people out there are pretty curious as to how I got to know Raymond. (And I recently found out that even he wasn't aware of the full story. I suddenly feel mysterious.) And my evasive answers don't really inform much. Hey, it's not that i want to be evasive, it's just that i'm really shy. And then on a pretty, random day like this i decide to spill it all, including the stupid moments that took place in my youth. And then you all can laugh at me. But i won't mind. I won't. People have been laughing at me ALL MY LIFE UGRGH.

Let's see if my memory fails me. It's a pretty long story so I see the need to section out the parts.

Chapter 1 - It's almost like a life story because it dates way back.

So I used to be a girl guide in secondary school, and being girl guides we liked noisy cheers, playing with fire, cheesy games, scouts, and loud fun, (I seriously think there's no such thing as a quiet girl guide. Guides are all noisy. ALL.) and there's no better place where all the above converged than at campfires. Tadah! I remember loving campfires. They were the highlight of my guiding days. (: So, urm the very first time I saw raymond was at a campfire, I cannot remember which, but happy friend says that it was the queensway/commonwealth secondary one. (I forgot which she said even though she said it only 5 days ago. Yes my memory is THAT bad so you should not trust what you read in this blog.)

So anyway, at that time I was fourteen or fifteen I think, I can't really remember the details. So being the crazy Jielun fangirl I was at that time I naturally noticed this jielun lookalike sitting among the Gan Eng Seng Dragon Scouts. So happpy friend and I gushed about him for awhile during the campfire, and that was about it.

And like all cute guys you see at campfires you forget about them within a few days even with all the gushing back in school. And most importantly you never expect to see them again.

So when I saw this jielun lookalike the second time at another random campfire of course there was another mini commotion among 7 guides about this guy who looked like jielun. HAHA. Silly girls. (I know, what are the odds that there were 7 girls from the same class in girl guides right. Naturally we bonded.) =D So anyway, this jielun guy, for the second time! But still, coincidence; the west cluster schools only had that many troops what. So although what took place next appears to be a blurry smudge in my memory, i'm pretty sure the commotion lasted a little longer back in school this time. But of course this jielun lookalike was still all but a pretty stranger, a brief encounter, definitely not as forgettable as the last time, but still forgettable.

And then came the third time, which was the most vivid memory. Because I can still remember that it was held at RI, and that happy friend called dg on her phone to say that the jielun lookalike was standing on some balcony looking at the sky. And of course during the campfire I kept noticing that he was looking very disinterested. Of course anyone would be disinterested when all the RI scouts had for fire was an image on the screen, and all three performing girlguide troops had to dance to the same Jolin song. That was the worst campfire ever.

And then being the very stupid young girl I was, and the very good friends that my friends otaku and tofu are, we stalked him. YES RAYMOND I STALKED YOU FROM RI TO THE MRT STATION AND ALMOST INTO THE TRAIN, WE WERE RIGHT BEHIND YOU ALL THE WAY AND YOU DIDN'T NOTICE. (Now that you know, does that freak you out a little? You were right in calling me a stalker. -.-) Hurhur. But it also kind of happened by chance la. Cause the three of us decided to explore the RI building, and we were walking all around the school. And it just so happened that the GESS troop was still around when we'd finished exploring. So we stalked them. MAN I sound like a total loser can, fine, laugh all you want, I don't regret doing it. Not at all. Even if it sounds stupid. But hello that was age FIFTEEN can URGH. And it was the first and last time I ever stalked anyone. I swear. Cross my heart.

And after that I decided that I would like to get to know this person who looks so sad. (Now I know he looks sad because that's just the way he looks.)

And so one fine day I spoke to my cousin who was studying in GESS when we met.

"So, do you know any scout who looks like Jay Chou in your school?"
He took a while to register what I was saying.
"Mm, I think I know who you're talking about."
"Oh haha, urm, can I have his number?"
"Oh, urm I don't know him personally, but I have a friend who's a scout."
And so he gave me Boon Peng's number. (Nope, Boon Peng is not Raymond's chinese name.)

So who's this Boon Peng person you may wonder.

But I am going off to bed because I am sleepy. And I will continue the next time if I feel like it. Sheesh I am so annoying and I am finding it ridiculous that I used to be a one-time stalker.

Don't Stop Us Now.

2008-09-28T23:42:00.003+08:00

Obsession;
if not now, then when?

On an entirely different note, I know it's annoying when people keep telling you how to live your life. When people start doing that, there're three ways of dealing with it. The first way is to comply. By listening to them because you know that fighting it will probably only make matters worse, and it probably is for your own good anyway (as they always like to say). The second way is to estrange yourself from those annoying people (and hopefully they'll just go away like the random beetle that flies into your house). But these people have a nasty habit of reappearing, always. (Not unlike the random beetle.) The last way, is to be a rebel, and do what rebels do best; rebel. Fight those annoying people till your last breath, and refuse to live the way they want you to live your life. Well afterall it's your own life, and you can bear any consequences that accompanies it right right? Rebellion is probably only for the very childish, or for the very mature. People who are in between probably can't afford it.

And on an entirely different note again, Assenav hasn't been doing a good job of keeping this blog going huh has she? Annoying brat.

Alien Abduction

2008-09-09T01:51:00.002+08:00

No, I wish it were true, but no, too bad, Vanessa hasn't been abducted by aliens. Neither has she vanished from the face of Earth. I know some of you out there secretly wish her dead, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news BUT, she's still around, has always been, and she's irritating the hell out of me la. Dang.

In case you're wondering who I am, I am Assenav, the twin sister Vanessa never ever told you about. In fact I think none of her friends know of my existence. None. Shows how highly she thinks of me right. Well I guess I can't blame her for that, (in Vanessa's irritating voice) "who in the right mind would want the world to know of the existence of a twin sister who perpetually plots the death of random people?" That's what she always tells me when I ask her to introduce me to her friends. Well in my defence it's not that I do it for no reason, but random people really get on my nerves sometimes URGH. But hey! I do have love for humanity alright, and that applies to humans I know personally. (Which totals up to, 5?) I have a higher tolerance for them, but I never know when I'll snap lor.

Nowadays it's Vanessa who's getting on my nerves. She's really happy, prancing around the house, laughing at the littlest thing that isn't even funny. She says this is what sweet sunshiney love feels like, but I say she's gone mad. Mad I tell you. Straight out of the madhouse. When she's happy she's very happy. I pushed her into the river the other day and she didn't even mind. Crazy not? Usually she'd try to pull me in, but that day she just followed the currents and swam downriver. But then sometimes she wears this ridiculously forlorn look, and keeps her phone near her all the time, like as if the boyfriend would randomly pop out from the screen or something. That airhead.

I know, the worst thing is that she actually got me to keep the blog going for her la! I always do her sai gang for her. But there's nothing I can do about it because she's my twin sister afterall. And as much as I like to plot random people's deaths, I still have love for humankind. But at least now you guys know of my existence. There'll be more of me to come- my stupid sister is busy with her boyfriend.

Blue Monday.

2008-08-18T16:18:00.003+08:00

So you see, there's this forlorn feeling inside, which must be something sweet.

It is when you don't feel like lifting your head to face the crowd because you know that there's no way you will see the face you want to see.

It is when your eyes meet and you want to look somewhere else, but yet at the same time can't because you can't seem to tear your eyes away.

It is when every waking moment together feels like a dream, and every moment apart almost too hard to bear.

It is when you don't want to tell anybody too much for the fear that once the words leave your lips the fragility of it all will be broken.

It is when you have nothing substantial to say, but still gripped by the need to text.

It is when what the two of you share belongs to only you both and nobody else.

It is when all you think of all day is really the other.

It is when there's this bittersweetness about it all.

Such is the Bittersweet Life.

2008-08-04T18:25:00.001+08:00

How ironic then, that the people who make you the happiest are the very same ones who have the ability (whether they are conscious of it or not) to make you the saddest.

Today is the first day of school. Last night I was in a general state of despair over the thought of having to go back to school. And then I went online and found like minded people, and I didn't feel so alone. It helps to know that there are people out there like yourself.
But today wasn't such a bad day. In fact it was not bad at all, it was actually quite a good feeling being in school and attending the only lecture I had today with the cohort. And the better part? Buying textbooks which really are novels; most of which with pretty covers. I have to say that the texts for this semester sound pretty interesting from the synopses. (: The best part? Getting to see the very people who made school worth going to - the crazy bunch of litmates. They never fail to fill the regular schoolday with laughter.

On a side note, I was staring intently at the professor (who reminds me of Adrien Brody) during lecture today. My attention was so concentrated that if you waved a hand in front of my face your hand would burn from the heat produced from the intense force of my attention. "NEVER have I PAID such GREAT ATTENTION in my ENTIRE LIFE!" I proclaim loudly with great flourish. (But yet I couldn't answer the questions Jeffer asked me after. Apparently attention isn't paid with the eyes. What is it then? Cash? Okay I see tofu/johan/people who don't appreciate lame jokes rolling their eyes at this point, "with your ears silly/fool/moron, your ears! Duh!") Anyway, I was paying attention to the prof when I suddenly felt a tingly sensation on my right arm. I was annoyed, and looked down to brush away the what-I-thought-must-have-been-hair that was sweeping against my skin.
To my SUPREME HORROR, IT WAS NOT HAIR IT WAS A BLOODY HUGE SPIDER WITH SUPER LONG LEGS. I FROZE IN TERROR for a split second, all the while hearing a blaring voice in my head go "SWEEP IT OFF, HAND, SWEEP IT OFF NOW!" (For a moment I suspected if MightyMe had gone into my head.)
And after all that commotion in my head my left hand calmly lifted up and gently swept it off onto the ground.

And then I turned to Jeffer and said, "Jeffer, there was a huge spider on my arm just now."

Jeffer was like "Where? Where?"

I pointed behind the lecture chairs. "There, running away."

Jeffer turned her head to look and she saw this:

Daddy Long Legs.

And when she turned back her arms were covered in goosebumps.

You know when they say that sometimes during moments of extreme fright your mind experiences extreme clarity? That happened to me today for the first time in a long time. See, that's why school is fun. You learn how to cope with crisis without losing your cool. Where else can you get spiders attacking you while you're paying close attention to a professor?

This semester is starting to look damn good.

Life through Speckled Lens

2008-07-26T03:29:00.007+08:00

This was taken on the bus on the way to Genting. The rest of them were sleeping, but I was too excited.

Yes, part of 9P went on a Genting trip on the 6th July for 3 days. Today I watched "L - Change the World." I found it funny how he was obliged to clear his huge pile of backlogged cases even when he was about to die. This has got no link to this entry whatsoever except that if you'd realised, we came back from the trip on the 8th, and today is the 27th. This entry is 19 days late. But like Johan always says, "better late than never."

This is skippy looking excited about the trip. She was having gastric all the way there, but didn't let it affect her mood. (:

This is datou looking sleepy, but still feeling excited about the trip.

Carnie looking very happy here. XD
Shy tofu was too shy, so all she put out to pose for the camera was her hand.

We are the Happy Friends.

HAHA where got people take picture with this kind of place-your-head-here-stands still put up the twist sign one! Not realistic ma!
Notice how carnie doesn't have a neck. She has one in real life. Really she does.

Finally, a picture of shy tofu.

At this point in time I realise there's an even shyer person, and that I don't have pictures of her at all.

Datou looks very cute!
This was taken by the shyer person whose name is otaku teng. Now you should understand why she's shy.

Skippy looks like she's advertising for the bottle of water here.

This is what you see when you look out of the room window to the right.

This is what you see when you look out of the room window to the left.

This is what you see when two girls start going crazy about taking photos from a hotel room window of everything else but the two of them together.

This is the mysterious, alluring, silhoutte-ish backview I fell in love with.

And the owner of the mysterious, alluring, silhoutte-ish backview I fell in love with.

Our laughter caught in the carousel, amplified a hundred times over.

This is for mel and dg.

Not Old Enough to Grow Up.

2008-07-22T13:24:00.006+08:00

When you're feeling like the loneliest person around in the office, what do you do?

You start thinking about how right you were when you decided that you're never going to work an office job.

When on the inside you're crying silently, but on the outside people are telling you to be strong for the others, what do you do?

You take deep breaths and take it as it goes.

When people turn to you, who do you turn to?

You look towards your inner self, and you see an escapist, who triumphs, and when things start to happen you ask yourself if it's your fault.
Or whether you should even have to take any responsibility for it at all.

What do you become?

You turn into a premature adult.

Why?

I wouldn't know why. Things happen for a reason.
But no matter how I look at it, I can't find a good enough reason.

The Weekender's Promise.

2008-07-21T00:19:00.003+08:00

It's a very happy feeling to be doing something with people you love, even if it's something as slow-moving as going up on the Singapore Flyer.

Introducing, Love of My Life 1: Anita.

Introducing, Love of My Life 2: Jianwei

And the love of their lives...

...me.

Yes, make no mistake, we are all in love with one another, and thus we decided that like all lovers, we should go up on the Flyer.

And off we go.

Bad weather will not stop the Flyer from operating, neither will it stop us from having fun.

Fun like this,

this,

and this.

And then the skies could take it no longer, and decided to open up in shower.

Rain that pelted on our capsule might have formed currents in the Nile river once before.

And we continued our fun.

The rain ended almost as soon as it started, and the sky started clearing into a lovely blue.

And the sun broke through the clouds, and Anita said that no matter what, the sun will still shine through. I will remember that for a long time to come.

My favourite picture. When we saw this we collapsed in laughter.

The two dears look so happy here, how wonderful if I can see them smile so vibrantly like that every single time.

We went home giddy with laughter that day.

It's been the happiest day I've had with them in a long time. I'm so glad we went up the Flyer. It's not so much of the event per se, it's really the people. And I'm thankful that these people are in my life. Thank you both of you!

When I Stare at Daniel Craig All Day.

2008-07-18T09:59:00.005+08:00

I have been increasing my caffeine dosage over the period of work. On the first day of work I drank Milo for my breakfast drink, and managed to stay awake the entire day. Then I started drinking coffee made with two level teaspoonfuls of coffee powder, sugar and creamer. Then I realised the height of the coffee powder on my teaspoon was getting higher as the days went by. This morning I had coffee made with two heaped teaspoonsfuls of coffee powder, sugar and creamer. 6 hours of sleep each day doesn't qualify as sufficiency. ):

Work revolves around answering questions and feeling smart about it, like as if I were an IT genius. "Please close your browser and try again some time later. And don't worry your responses would have been saved" pretty much answers a whole list of technical questions along the likes of Fatal Errors, Denied Access and urm, uuurm, you know, the rest of it.

There's a Casino Royale postcard stuck on the cabinet compartment just above my workdesk, featuring Daniel Craig clad in a tuxedo, flaunting tall stacks of gambling chips, conjuring an enigmatic pose with his face tilted 34.9 degrees right, his pupils directed to the corners of his eyes, and the fingertips of his right hand placed in ever-so-light contact with a gun. Sometimes I feel him staring at the top of my head, but when I turn to look, his slitty eyes are back to staring sideways.

Work has been occupying my time such that my morbid thoughts have been left aside. Which is good because then I don't muck around wallowing in self-pity, which is a situation I know that I am occasionally extremely susceptible to. But work doesn't really feel like work because there is virtually no work to do. I almost feel guilty updating this blog during work. And my heart skips a beat whenever people walk past my cubicle at the same time I am surfing the Internet. I almost feel guilty thinking that the company pays me to surf the Internet.
Almost.
Okay I do, I do feel guilty, sometimes. I try to improve the situation by asking the colleagues around me for work, but most of the time they don't have work for me to do.
And rather than sitting around getting paid for doing nothing, I sit around, getting paid for surfing.

And making lists.

The Weekender's To-Do list.

1. Post pictures of happy times in blog entry. (:
2. Go cycling with DG tomorrow morning.
3. Attend donut party with aforementioned friend and cousin.
4. Catch up on sleep.

2008-07-16T10:40:00.002+08:00

When I failed, you bailed.

Why, why did you bail?

When you bail, I fail.

Sometimes We Learn, Sometimes We can Never Get it Right.

2008-07-12T04:03:00.002+08:00

You are a trap I am aware of but keep falling into. A vortex that I cautiously try to avoid. You are a symbol in my life that represents nothing but yet so substantial. An ideal I stupidly cling on to.

Tonight I looked up in the sky and saw the stars that were always there. I thought of how much we have changed since the last time we looked at the bright dots in the sky, as well as the bits, pieces and chunks of ourselves that we have lost to growing up.

It's not difficult being around people yet feeling so alone. And that's when I start feeling rather annoyed. Annoyed that I let myself stupidly get entangled in the mind games you play. Annoyed that I tell myself everytime to take it easy but yet ignore my own advice. Annoyed that I can't seem to tell anyone what's really happening. Annoyed that the cycle never seems to break. Annoyed that I blindly pile importance and expectations on you and wait restlessly for you to step up to it, which you never do.

But it's okay, I'm used to it.
I know I can just hit the reset button when things go awry on my part.

I Wouldn't Know Until I Have Tried.

2008-07-05T02:40:00.001+08:00

I miss the early morning ride we took in the back of your cousin's car back in Ipoh. Your cousin drove with the windows down. The wind was cold, crisp and fresh as it caressed my face. Wherever we drove to there was the constant chirping of birds. The sky was a lovely sleepy blue, there was just enough light to illuminate the words on the signs on the short buildings, but not enough to illuminate the face of the very ocassional passerby on the streets, much less the detailed patterns on the leaves of trees. There weren't many streetlights in Ipoh, unlike in Singapore, and that gave the place a strangely comforting quality. The imprint of trees against the sky has always been my favourite sight.

Life in Ipoh is nicely paced, laidback, but not that all. My first impression of the place was that we were surrounded by mountains in the distant horizon. Seemed like everywhere I turned I could see mountains in the faraway background, which was a nice feeling because everywhere you turn in Singapore you're surrounded by tall buildings. My second impression was that there are many dogs in Ipoh. There were dogs running freely on the roads, and there was a dog at the house I stayed in. Everywhere we drove we saw dogs. In Ipoh you have to drive to get somewhere because the shopping centres and buildings are pretty far apart. A whole lot of land they have.

We arrived in Ipoh at about 5 a.m. and were driven in two cars to some place like a big coffeeshop, because it was apparently the only place nearby that had light, to wait for 6 a.m. to arrive so that we could have breakfast at some dim sum place. (The dim sum was fantastic. Hoho. So many types I'd never seen before. Mmmm.) The other car almost got robbed, from the little Cantonese I understood from the adults' conversation. Apparently, 6 Malay motorcyclists took turns to ram into the back of the car, and according to one of the victims, if the driver had stopped the car and gotten down, they would have beaten him up and robbed the passengers. Quite scary considering that we had only just arrived. Fortunately there wasn't any loss or injuries sustained whatsoever. A little bit of morning terror and excitement.

The weather was sweltering hot, much hotter than Singapore in my opinion. I got slightly sunburnt staying in direct sunlight for about 2-3 hours. And you have to drink a lot of water when you're there because of the heat. Which I obviously didn't, and fell sick. Bloody hell. Kids, it's important to drink sufficient water every day, if you feel like you haven't drunk enough today, now's a good time to go get a glass. It's horrid to be sick in a foreign place without family members to take care of you. I felt a teeny bit sorry for myself for a while, and then I felt much better after a shower and bounced right back. When there's bad, it can't be bad forever-- there's always good next, and that's pretty much what I like about life.

People were speaking Cantonese everywhere around, even the non-Chinese. Amazing. Of course I also heard Malay and Mandarin being spoken. No English though, I felt a little crippled, but of course my command of Mandarin's good enough. :D Oh, I tried the famous hor fun that you find everywhere in Singapore. It's nothing like the Singaporean version. Ipoh's hor fun is the best I ever had; supremely soft and smooth. Like baby's skin, or even finer. Mmmm. The rest of the food we had was good too, maybe when I retire I'll move to Ipoh just for the food. I'm hungry now dang.

We visited a cave called "霹雳洞" (or pi li dong) which housed many statues and figurines of religious figures of either taoism or buddhism, I couldn't tell. There were paintings on the walls of the caves, and it was pretty cool in there, in all senses of the word. It was leaking though, and they were collecting donations to stop the leakages. The sun shone in through small holes in the rock formation and resulted in strong, almost solid beams of sunlight that I wanted to reach out and hold on to. But they were too high up, and it's silly to think that you can hold sunlight in your hand. I dunno, mysterious caves can make you think mysteriously silly thoughts. Oh there was a fortune teller there too, and I wanted to give it a shot because I'd never had my fortune told before. At this point I really want to say "Curiousity killed the cat." There. But I didn't get my fortune told because... because... because of mysterious reasons conceived in a mysterious cave that I have mysteriously forgotten.

Yes, Ipoh was a good experience. Our host, the aunt, was plenty nice, and got her sons and daughters to bring us around. A bunch of nice people I'd declare, although one of the sons tried to persuade us into going clubbing with him. And when we declined him twice, his ego got in the way and said "oh, luckily you all didn't agree, I was afraid you two wanted to tag along." I rolled my eyes so vigourously that they went 360 degrees in my sockets. No I didn't, that'd be rude. We just kept quiet-- I couldn't think of a comeback, our brains had retarded and been turned to mush by the heat outside. Okay I'm rambling right. But overall, still nice because he brought us around and made small talk.

And then I decided that I wouldn't mind living in Ipoh.

How We Sometimes are like Stars, or Something Along the Lines of Realisation.

2008-06-27T23:11:00.003+08:00

The two of us are like stars. We are both fixed in position on the map of the night sky, forever kept at distance from one another. Even when the Earth rotates on its axis, orbits around the Sun, our spots in the sky don't change. From Earth's perspective, even when we move from one end of the sky to the other, we remain apart. The one following behind tries to break this order, to catch up with the one in front, but it's running an endless marathon.
Sometimes it gets cloudy. Either one star gets blocked from sight, and the other one wishes upon itself for the clouds to clear. It doesn't even mind falling if that would fulfill its wish for the other to shine. But sooner or later the clouds always clear to reveal the other. And then again I am reminded how you're always in sight, but always apart.

I Lick My Teeth.

2008-06-17T01:24:00.003+08:00

I am looking out of the window, and the streets look so inviting at night that I am tempted to go for a walk. Something's preventing me from doing so, and it feels a little like caution, and it feels a little like Bessie's advice against staying out late. If I close the window the temptation might go away.

So instead, I decide to write an entry in this blog, because it's about the only thing that has the patience to tolerate my ramblings. I appreciate it in ways it doesn't and cannot even realise.
O why is my blog inanimate? I lament its indifference. ):

And narcissism decides to get the better of me, and I decide to make a list.

5 things you never knew, or already know, about me.

1. I like painting my nails.
I paint my nails because I've got a bad habit of picking at the skin around my fingernails, and painting them stops me from doing so.

2. I am often in a dilemma over painting my nails vs cutting them short to facilitate in guitar/keyboard playing.
I do have the urge to make some music-sounding noise sometimes. I can't even play the guitar properly with my nails short, nevermind them being long. Long nails click horribly on the keys of the keyboard and when that happens I feel like cutting them off. But then I am faced with the possibility of the bad habit returning, so I usually just mope around until I lose the urge to make more music-sounding noise. ): But sometimes I choose to heed my musical calling and cut my nails till they are really short.

3. I sometimes talk to inanimate objects.
Like this blog. And my guitar which I had (impulsively) named Cherrystone. And the Spongebob stuffed toy. And Vanny the monkey. And my daily planner. And sometimes to the general crowd of inanimate objects in sight. And sometimes to air. Oh and I talk to some insects too. Only some though, those I am not afraid of, like flying ants and moths. Only. I occasionally talk to myself in the mirror too. And trust me, I am not loony.

4. My conversation skills (when I am with most real people) are almost nonexistent.
I perpetually lack appropriate topics to talk about, and sometimes appropriate responses to what people are saying. When people ask me to talk I clam up even more. Gah. I don't like it-- having nothing to say, and having people ask me to talk. ): But of course there are some who I am extremely comfortable with, and that's a different case altogether.

5. I didn't know how to spell acoustic until end of last year.
I don't seeing spelling mistakes on posters and signs, and when I was with Lim and George at DXO, there was this poster which said "Acoustic band" or something like that and I pointed at it and said "acoustic's spelt wrongly isn't it? It should be double c right?" And then Lim pointed out that I was wrong and that "acoustic" is spelt the way it is on the poster. Ah. What can I say, we're never too old to learn spelling.

Speaking of which I was watching the Scripps National Spelling Bee on ESPN the other day, and it was amazing the kind of words that actually exist in this world. I can't even remember what words the kids were asked to spell, and they were like, 12 to 14 year olds?
This twelve year old was asked to spell 'bulbul'. Yes I know it's a bird and you've heard of it before. That was not so bad. Another guy was asked to spell 'torii', which is Japanese. Why would they test them on Japanese?! Another was tested on the word 'trophallactic'. And this-- 'cryptococcosis'. Or how about 'sciuromorph'? (My jaw drops.) Whaaaaaaaaat...? And this was only round 7. They went all the way to round 16. Words like 'écrasé', 'aptyalism', 'esclandre' and 'hyphaeresis' don't even sound like English to me. Some of them probably aren't I wouldn't know.

Urgh. But those kids are terribly brilliant. Wow. I'd make my kid take part in a Spelling Bee in future like an evil parent. That is if I even have kids in the first place.

Abundant Growth of Lalang

2008-06-14T17:16:00.004+08:00

There's nothing quite like watching aeroplanes take off on the runway about 500 metres away. It's an inexplicable rush of adrenaline that makes you want to whoop for joy, scream against the loud roar of the engines, and to become a pilot.

There's also nothing quite like watching aeroplanes drop really low, flying in for landing, especially when they fly over a body of water with the beam from their headlights reflecting off the surface. It's inexplicably overwhelming, and it makes you want to grin widely like a silly fool and throw your hands up in the air, scream against the loud roar of the engines, and to sit there forever, counting the planes that come in.

There's also nothing like the fleeting quality of the moment, like as if the beauty of plane watching lay in its repetitive transience.

We talked, we sang and we laughed on our tour de east.

2008-06-13T12:19:00.002+08:00

When you were taken away from this world, how did it feel like for you?

For me it felt like the invisible ropes binding us together were cut, and all I have left to rely on are photographs we took together - your face and all of its expressions caught in my head - written excerpts in my diary of the things we did - letters you wrote to me - that particular scent you used to wear - your name off my lips -- all of which I would have to stow away in a safe place, a place where I can visit to relive our pristinely preserved memories over and over again, a place where Time is inconsequential, an impregnable fort which even Time's acidity cannot corrode.

I kept you in my wretched heart for a long while. With every turn of the head I caught your silhouette in my peripheral sight, but when I looked you had vanished. You only existed in another dimension--the psychological dimension of peripherals. With every waking morning my eyes could hardly open, dried and crusted by the tears they'd shed the night before. With every impulse to call you I get crushed by the vacuum on the other end of the line. With every nightfall the pain intensified.

The crippling loss left me struggling to keep afloat in the sea of people I'd immerse myself in to remind myself that I am still alive. I think when you died a part of me died too.

The day you went away the only place that Time couldn't reach, where the memory of you could have been kept pristine and undefiled, was destroyed. When you left the world you took a fragment of my heart with you into the unknown. Over the years I tried to replace that missing fragment with anything I could find-- happiness, excitement, new friends, peace, anger, a pet dog, delirium-- but nothing worked. You held the missing piece which could only be returned if you came back to life. But you didn't, and I gave up on the thought that you ever will.

Time attempted to fill up the gaping hole that you had left by slowly blurring and dissolving our shared memories. They couldn't remain pristine, and when the yellowed photographs faded, so did the pain I felt.

But you remain irreplaceable.

It was selfish of you to leave me alone here like that. I think I was angry at you for a while. I got angry when I thought about you leaving the pain you couldn't feel in death behind leeching onto the lives of those who were still around in the world. But of course I know you didn't mean to.

You didn't mean to.

2008-06-12T00:06:00.002+08:00

This is when I am having difficulty distinguishing dreams from reality.

Certain scenarios I cannot remember if they belong in my dreams, or whether they had really happened.

2008-06-10T01:46:00.002+08:00

So there's this deep, hollow feeling that has been plaguing me and I can't explain it.

I think we all occasionally feel hollow.

Sick Sad Little World.

2008-06-01T17:45:00.002+08:00

"If I had one ray of sunlight to hold in my hand

Maybe we can be happy again."

Rachie sent me this Phantom Planet song while we were in J1 if I remember correctly. And I think of her when I listen to it. She's currently in Australia, and feeling unwell. ): At times like this I am helpless, and all I can do is to tell her to drink more water and get sufficient sleep, which is hardly any comfort. It must be hard on her, and all I can take comfort in is that at least there is the Beng to take care of her. She's coming back on 30th June, which is about one month from now, and I am looking forward to that. The last time she came back for a period of two months we only met like what, 3 times? I know it was so silly.

Previously, on Tuesday I went cycling with Yanni at Sentosa in a weak attempt to take her mind off stuff. I realised cycling is an activity that allows you think more about stuff. My bad. Although she said she had fun at the end of the day, it still made me feel kinda bad, especially after I read what she wrote, that she was actually hurting a lot inside. She is silently resilient like that. What she wrote made me face up to the fact that perhaps our friendship needed a bit of tweaking and repairing. I'm going to work on it because after all like she said, 十三年半的友情绝对不是蓋的。I don't even know what the second last character means, but I figured it probably translates to something like, thirteen and a half years of friendship definitely is for real. (Enlightenment anyone?) Sometimes, the way I look at this relationship, we are like a married couple with kids, and we know that the other one is around at close proximity, but we just don't see that need to reach out to each other. Yanni is my oldest friend, and I have known her for more than half my life, and all I know is that I have to be there for her.

Anita, the one who has the world on her shoulders to bear. Some time back, I had the revelation that she's the strongest person I ever knew. Don't be fooled by her whiny antics and her ah lian appearance. I think most people don't have an inkling of the things she has to go through. It's pretty amazing how she does it, and I know that she's not getting much help. From Anita I learnt that things happen when they want to, and all you can do is to face them head on. By the strength that she thinks she does not have, I am secretly inspired, because in obscure and strange ways, I see it in her. Some of you must be thinking, "What can Anita possibly be going through? I've been through much worse in MY life." This is where some of you may be wrong. Or this might be where I am wrong to think that most of you couldn't have been through what Anita is having to go through right now. But from what I know, Anita deserves much, much better. Salute, and a big pat on the back for her!

Went out with jiawen, poon and evey last Saturday. Jiawen was her usual crappy and crazy self. I swear being with them brings out the noisy side of me. Well, YES I AM USUALLY QUIET and I will push you to the ground if you disagree. So anyway, I think jiawen was probably troubled over certain stuff, but the way she carried herself that night was admirable. She was positively sprightly, and proactive, trying to secure every chance she has to achieve what she wanted. I know whatever she's going through must be disheartening, I know for sure that if it happened to me I'll lock myself in the room and sleep for one whole week before I come to terms with it, but that's not jiawen to mope about. I know we don't meet up very often, but I enjoy every moment that we do.

Have been meeting up with skippy a few times, and this lamo never fails to make me laugh each time. She doesn't wear her hurt on her face, and is forever making lame jokes that I lamely laugh at. Haha. I know. It's a certain vibe cultivated by 7 years of friendship that runs through the 9pees. I still think it's pretty amazing really. With skippy it's not easy to convince her that she can do better than that. But in reality we all think that she can, and we are sometimes exasperated because we can't seem to successfully put that across to her. I think that being in TP dance has changed her tremendously. Skippy doesn't voice out the distress that she is experiencing when she is out with us, neither does she let it affect her and in turn affecting us. Sometimes there are glimmers which hint that she had let down her guard for a moment there, but most of the time they come and go as quickly, and all at once she is looking at you with normalcy on her face again. What I think she needs now is time, a LOT of time. And really skippy, THE NEXT ONE WILL BE BETTER.

Everyone I know can be my greatest inspiration at times.

Honestly people, Honesty.

2008-05-27T01:55:00.004+08:00

An exhilarating experience, in which I lost my pretty mobile phone, and got it back the next day by tracking down and going after the person who took it with the help of a cleverly implanted tracking device in the memory card slot.

Well no actually the Nice Person who picked up my pretty mobile phone handed it over to the security personnel of the Cathay, and they called me saying that my phone has been found. Long live the Nice Person, you had just accumulated good karma!

And therefore I decide to make a list of my Pet Peeves. (Which really has nothing to do with the above incident.)

A List of My Pet Peeves:

Peeve No. 1: When people ask me questions while I am brushing my teeth and am therefore unable to answer them due to toothpaste lather in my mouth.

The only time I get an inexplicable to urge to respond to questions is when I am brushing my teeth, and I am annoyed that at the only time that I want to give a response I am prevented from doing so by toothpaste lather, and I therefore get irritated at the person who asked the question. Chances that the other person actually gets what you're saying through the toothpaste lather is supremely slim, so I just feel irritated and keep quiet instead of trying to reply.

Peeve No. 2: When people talk, be it to me or to each other, when I am watching TV.

I get irritated when I cannot hear the TV set. Especially when I'm watching a programme like House, with fast and witty dialogue, and bombastic medical jargon, or Lost, which relies rather heavily on sound and atmospheric effect. Well actually I get irritated too when someone talks during Spongebob Squarepants. Okay I just have a problem with the TV set being drowned out by people's voices. Urgh.

Peeve No. 3: When any part, and by that I mean like the sleeve or handbag or arm or hair, of any random stranger on the street comes into contact with any part of me.

Basically this means that I hate coming into any kind of unintended physical contact with strangers on the street. I think it's probably an extension of my misanthropic tendencies. The other day on the bus the lady beside me kept digging in her bag, and her arm was brushing against mine. I leaned away from her, but her arm just kept touching mine, so I turned my head and looked at her. She didn't show any sign of knowledge that I was looking at her, but the arm brushing did stop. I am MEAN like that grrr. But I am only mean to strangers, so if you're my friend it's okay. BUT it's NOT okay if you're my friend and you speak to me when I am brushing my teeth, or talk when I am watching TV because I will still get pissed.

Peeve No. 4: When I get woken up by noises coming from my room door opening and people walking in, of people talking, the radio or TV, or the telephone ringing etc. Exception of noise from the alarm clock that I set with the intention of being woken up by.

(Urm sidetrack, THERE'S A COCKROACH IN MY BATHROOM!! AAAAAAAAH!!! I just came back from the kitchen, where I was washing my face, and in the midst of washing I thought I saw a moth flying to my left, so I turned to look. But there was no moth, so I stared at the space for a while, and TO MY HORROR THE COCKROACH CRAWLED INTO SIGHT ON THE BATHROOM DOOR. I am freaked out because I had used the toilet about 3 minutes ago, which means that I probably had been enclosed in the small space with the big cockroach for about half a minute. It's a pretty unbearable thought. Once again, attestation that ignorance is bliss. I hope it gets knocked out with one long jet of insecticide, because that is all I managed to spray at it before it crawled out of sight. Illogical fear that it might fly onto me keeps me bay.)

So as I was saying, I do not like being awoken by noise. Who in the right mind does anyway? Oh then again I can't say for sure.

I am pretty sure that's not all of my pet peeves, but I can't think of anymore at the moment.

But anyway, I am majorly thankful to the Nice Person who picked up my pretty mobile phone. Maybe cynicism should be kept to the minimum.

Curiousity Killed Who?

2008-05-16T00:40:00.002+08:00

What happens when you get a moment of unexpected clarity of a third-person-kind on the situation that is happening that you are caught in with your friends?

Not unlike an out-of-body experience, you feel the urge to go back into your self that is currently caught in said situation, and pretend that the moment of unexpected clarity never happened, and that you can continue ambling along with the same views you had and be agreeable and all, but no, it does not happen that way. Unexpected moments of clarity are irreversible.

It's unfortunate how people set standards for others based on their own yardsticks. I find myself doing that quite often, especially to my family members. I know, it's pretty sad how restricted the mind can be right? It's unsettling when people try to impose their opinions and experiences on you. (Like what I'm trying to do to you by writing this entry. Bloody hell, there's no such thing as being unbiased is there.)

I was disturbed today when I went out with dt and skippy.

dt: "Ay I bought this Snapple lip balm online, it's disgusting."
And she proceeds to take the lip balm out, which was amusingly designed like a Snapple drink.

dt uncaps it: "Smell it! It smells sweet, but it tastes horrible."
Skippy and I both smell it, and yes it smelled sweet.

dt: "Taste it!"

Skippy did.
"Urgh" and she made a face.

I did.

Me: "It's sweet!"
dt: "Nooo."
Skippy: "No it's not! It's bitter, with a bit of metallic taste!"

"It tasted sweet to me."
"NO it's NOT."

Well okay. I don't know what happened there, but I swear on my life it tasted sweet. And I sure as hell wouldn't have mistaken bitter for sweet.

And then reality went into magnifying glass mode and I was quiet for a while.

And then I came up with the conclusion that it's tiring to be a human brain, and that if there ever is a next life I would not want to become a human brain, because then I'd be subjected to too many different opinions and sayings and beliefs and whatnots that I'd be a very confused brain, and the human I am residing in would be a very confused human.
You see, the thing is, everything they tell you - how do you know everything you hear can be trusted? You want to believe yourself, and believe what you come away with from every different experience. And then there are people, especially when they're more than one, who tell that no, THAT's not it, it's like THIS. And when you insist on believing yourself, then you are minority, and susceptible to doubting yourself, if you'd made the right judgement, that maybe if everybody around you say that it's THIS way, then it must be THIS way, and there must be some mistake you made along the way.

Which is why Procrastibuddy says that she only believes herself.
But what if I'm wrong?
What if the lip balm was really bitter, and the sweetness I tasted was imagined?
And had I tried to impose that on dt and skippy I'd be unreasonable, because they had tasted that bitter taste after all.

Ugh fuck it. Numbers will be my best friends from now on.

High on Air

2008-04-14T03:20:00.004+08:00

This is moments after the rain.

The green looks especially green, and the air feels especially airy. Emerging from puddles of water, even my feet look cleaner and fairer against the blue of my slippers. I am almost skipping home from the bus stop today because the soundtrack of Mr Magorium's Wonder Emporium is playing in my earphones, and the glorious surroundings are making feel chirpy inside. It is a moment of pure magic, I swear. Alexandre Desplat (the composer) is brilliant. (Although I am certain that some of the magic is coming from my having watched the movie, nevertheless, it's good music.)

And it's rather lovely how music always changes the mood.

I decide that if I ever have a dog, it'd be a golden retriever, and it'd be called Hamilton. Or Milcote. Or AJ - yes, that's it. AJ sounds like a cute generic name for golden retrievers. Or I could name it Bob, like as in Bobdog. Okay bad joke. Or I could call it Harry, although I think Harry, like Baldwin, is generally a wrong name whether on guys, ladies or animals. (Unless you're thinking of a snake named Harry. But I think snakes should be named Sissy because it rhymes with Hissy.) Or I could call it Danny. Danny sounds like a pleasant golden retrieverish name. Nah. AJ still sounds better because the name itself sounds like a bundle of energy. (I mean it rhymes in an obscure way, like EN-ER-GY --- N-A-J. But anyway.) I like them because they're big and furry, (like bears, but bears are fierce) nice and friendly, and boundy. Always bounding.

Them golden retrievers look like they'd make lovely friends, and I won't mind having one as a friend. (:

But anyway.

p.s. I'm sorry tofu, that we cannot celebrate your birthday today, but I promise we'll make it up to you!

Maybe the Moon can see Me.

2008-04-11T01:46:00.011+08:00

You know how some things simply lose their magic because you were foolish enough to have thought that by verbalising it there wouldn't be a difference?
But there always is a difference when you say things out loud, which makes it better sometimes to keep your thoughts to yourself, and be selfish for a bit, while the world continues its rotation on its imaginary axis.

It is okay to be self-centred for a while, to be the core of my own universe every now and then.

It is okay to tap my feet in time to the music that is playing in my earphones and bob my head with the beat and pretend that it is due the train carriage's instability.

It is okay to be awkward in social situations and fade into the background, rather than try, and make things even more awkward.

It is okay to not try sometimes.

It is okay to have (momentarily) lost direction in life.

It is okay to be convinced that it just a momentary thing.

It is okay to give up dreams when financial means don't allow them.

It is okay to think that I have got the best family in the world.

It is okay to dislike the rain sometimes, and like it at other times.

It is okay be politically apathetic and not read the newspapers in order to keep up with current affairs.

It is okay to want to cry, and then cry, because I feel like I have screwed up one module.

It is okay to feel loved one moment, and feel lonely the next.

It is okay to be living in this world without knowing what it's really like to have lived in another country in another life.

It is okay to go on about things that I think are okay to experience.

It is okay to think about lost friends sometimes, and wonder if things could have worked out differently one way or another.

It is okay to fall in love with an inanimate object.

It is okay to dislike noisy children.

It is okay that I have never travelled in an aeroplane before, and not feel like it is blasphemy.

It is okay to feel sad because of most of the things I think that are okay which really are not, on hindsight.

It is okay to talk to my blanket.

It is okay to bite myself when I am very, very frustrated.

It is okay to grow up.

It is okay to believe in purely aesthetics without deeper meaning.

It is okay to pick up calls from people who rarely do so, and try to carry out normal conversation.

It is okay to feel down for a bit.

It is okay in wanting to be left behind by the world.

It is okay, really.

Hi Paps!

2008-04-07T01:05:00.005+08:00

Three sharp raps on my bedroom door sucked me back into the shitty dump that is reality.

"Come in."

The door opens and behold, MightyMe storms in.

"What are you doing online when you should be STUDYING?!" she booms.

"But tonight is rest night..."

"Why you insolent brat, don't you take that tone with me!"

"Urm, what tone? That's how I normally speak," I whimper. I always seem to be whimpering around her. "And I can't start studying when I've got one more assignment due."

"Then? My problem ah? Get it DONE LA!"
I didn't know MightyMe spoke Singlish.

"Oh okay, I will when I've thought of a direction for the essay."

She glared at me and I mysteriously shrank.

"That will take you eons, don't think I don't know you!"

With that she closed my IE window, and opened a blank Word document.

"DO!" She booms.

I experience a bad case of deja vu.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Philip is amazingly brilliant at solving the Rubik's cube. I mean, not that he managed to get all six sides, but he did simultaneously get four sides almost done, which I think is not bad, not bad at all, really. He is secretly brilliant like that, and I never knew this before he attempted the cube. I've got new found respect for him, and currently he's probably the coolest dad around. (Unless you compare him to Will Smith's character in the Pursuit of Happyness, but then I don't know Will Smith personally, so Philip is the next best.)

Oh and he once told me before that he named himself after the character Pip from Dickens' Great Expectations, whose real name is Philip Pirrip. The more I think about it, the more wonderful my dad is turning out to be.

I remember Philip did an art assignment for me when I was in Primary School. I was supposed to sketch a gourd, and he did such a lovely job that the piece got selected for the year-end art exhibition in school. Of course he never gained the recognition he deserved for that piece of art. I was full of admiration for him then. Only recently did the memory of this incident resurface, and once again like history repeating itself, I am filled with admiration for Philip.

This is Philip in new light, like I have never known him before.

Peppercorn Mourn.

2008-04-02T22:38:00.004+08:00

The last book of the Harry Potter series is the ultimate tear jerker. First few chapters into the book and I was tearing. Last few chapters got me crying quite badly.

I think it might be PMS.

I think this qualifies as a still from a horror film.
Or a still from my life it it were a movie.

A Hundred Days and Ninety-Nine Nights.

2008-04-01T08:52:00.007+08:00

This fine morning I was rudely awakened by a stranger hovering beside my bed. I felt her presence even before I opened my eyes, and when I eventually did, she immediately said

"Oi you! Wake up and do your assignment!"

And I'm like all groggy, "Unnggxhh. whooo aare yooou?"

And she's like, " I'm your MightyMe."

And, not unlike a retard, I go "Whoooo?"

And she goes "Whomighty shoomighty. MightyMe! I'm your MightyMe! I'm the part of you you never knew existed."

I swallow a large amount of saliva that has been collecting under my tongue and it tasted like lack of sleep.
"Uuurm I'm going to go back to bed okaaaay."

"Oh no you don't! Stop running away from things like you always do! Wake up and continue on that wretched assignment!" she hollers. And for someone so petite, I've got to admit she's got an irritatingly loud voice. "Wake up! WAKE UP! WAKE UP NOW!"

I sat hunched on the edge of the bed and looked at the life form in front of me. MightyMe looked nothing like me. For one she had impeccably neat short hair, matched with impeccably creaseless clothes. I felt like the grubbiest, dirtiest girl on earth just sitting there looking at her.

"Urm, I'm gonna go wash up. Catch you around, bye."

"Bye? No, don't you shoo me off like that with a wave of your hand and on the word 'bye'. I'm here to stay, and there is nothing else you can do about it but to accept it and to accomodate."

With that MightyMe yanked me up from bed and plopped me down in front of the computer and opened the Word document that is my assignment.

"DO!" she booms.

"Okay," I whimpered, looking eye-level at her timidly, and proceed to contribute to the mass of words on my screen.

"You'd better submit this TOday or ELSE..." she menacingly growls.

"Yes ma'am." I meekly reply.

This is going to be one hell of a journey.

Oh, turd.

2008-03-30T14:46:00.005+08:00

Yesterday I went on a walk with Bessie and we talked.

"I want to be happy everyday."

"You know that's not possible right, if you're happy everyday, it wouldn't be happiness, it'd be reduced to normalcy."

"Come again? I didn't absorb that."

"You see, if you were happy everyday, you wouldn't think of it as being happy, it'd just be an average feeling, because in order for one to feel happiness, one has got to not feel happiness in the time prior to the onslaught of happiness. It has to be a cycle you see. That's how things work."

"Well, ol-- no I mean, middle-aged people see things very differently."

"Hahaha."

When people ask me if I like what I'm doing in school, I am sometimes momentarily at loss for words. Because it's not that simple an answer like yes or no. I always find myself having to weigh out the pros and cons each time before giving an answer. Most of the time I know that I like it, but again I don't want to give any false impressions that I like everything about it. Things are always changing, and in a sense I don't like that. Why I might be saying that I don't like change now, and in another 10 minutes I might say that change is the best thing that can ever happen. How drastic, this concept of inconsistency.

Nowadays it's increasingly difficult to find someone to confide in. I know my friends are there, but to what extent are they there when they've got a whole lot of other stuff to worry about? It's becoming more and more apparent that school, work, significant other halves, projects, CCAs, physical distance do drive some mightily big wedges between us. It's like there's always something more important. Something. And it really isn't that appropriate lamenting to you about me when you've always got that something which is really much more significant. I dunno.

One thing that's obvious though, is that when you don't ask, people don't tell. More and more I am relying on extremely superficial indicators like MSN nicknames and blog entries to keep me updated on people and the state they're in now. And even then those aren't accurate indicators.

And you really don't want to start thinking about those who are absolutely inactive online, because that's too much to cope with. It doesn't help that people are too busy to meet up, or to even talk on the phone. And then you've got to worry about those who are just terrible telephone conversation partners, like me. It really doesn't help that in meeting up I've got to be very, very comfortable with you before I really start talking, like, talking you know. Sometimes you just find that you don't know what to say, and sometimes there's just so much to say but you don't know if it's too much, and all that comes out is a morose sounding "yea. haha," and then you feel utterly stupid, to the extent of wanting to kick yourself.

And there are topics of conversation to worry about. Why are things made tedious that way?

I want a strawberry sundae right now, but because I am about to declare hermitship for about 3 weeks, I think I'll save it for 3 weeks later.

Okay. Hermitship, now.

In (Lesser) Memoriam

2008-03-28T01:02:00.005+08:00

The first time I came into contact with a lifeless human body was when my Grandma died. I was fifteen then, and that was an age where you're too young to even start and try to comprehend the workings of the world, but too old to reach out for your parents. Two things at age nineteen I'm pretty sure of though, is that you're never going to be able to even start comprehending the workings of the world, and that you'll never be too old to reach out to your parents.

When I walked into the front door I saw that everyone was separated by space - at least in my memory they were, and I don't know how much this memory has altered. You know how sometimes you're so absolutely certain that some things you'll remember for life, (how can you ever forget, how?) and then in a while you don't know what to think because everybody tells you that memories are capable of change? But you were so sure... or maybe not.

The elders were standing around the dining table, each clearly buffered by a pocket of space from the other. I have got no impression of the cousins though. I only remember one or two of them sitting on the steps to the second storey. I don't even remember Carolyn being present. Maybe she wasn't, maybe she was. Should I ask her or will that be awkward. Why should it be awkward now that 4 going on 5 years have passed right? Not that it matters now, because these dregs of minute details will eventually dilute in time to come.

Phillip and Bessie went into the room, and I followed, because that seemed to be the right thing to do. Can the dead hear then, because I was speaking to Grandma with a voice in my mind. She used to speak Cantonese, and I used to call her Po po. I've got a photograph of her feeding me rice off the table with a pair of chopsticks, and I've got one of me watching her watch me play with Mickey Mouse. I don't have any photographs after the age of ten taken individually with her. I didn't even know how old she was exactly.

I held her hand, and it was cold.
I got scared.
She was lying on the bed, looking like she was sleeping. But the difference was that she wasn't breathing, and that made all the difference in the world. I was afraid of the Po po I saw lying on the bed that night.
She wasn't the Po po I knew. Not anymore.

I cannot remember if Bessie cried. I left the room when the coldness from her hand passed on into mine. I joined my cousin on the steps, sombre, not knowing if it was appropriate to even smile. We talked about school. I think the ambulance arrived at this point.
They put a white cloth over Grandma.

It was not nice. All of it. All of it was not nice.

They embalmed the body for the funeral. I remember thinking that Po po's face now looked like plastic. We all had to wear black and white, and we stayed up through the night, almost every night.
I got scared when I looked into the coffin, because I was afraid that Po po would open her eyes. After all, I was fifteen then, and that was an age where you're too young to even start and try to comprehend the workings of the world, but too old to reach out for your parents.

We had to kneel a lot in the prayers the temple people chanted. There were many people I didn't recognise who came. There were a lot of joss sticks to light. I had to exchange schoolbags with Jiawen because mine was in bright red, while hers was in grey and blue, and I had to go to the funeral after school, and at funerals you're not supposed to have anything brightly coloured on you.

The most terrible part was the incineration.
They put Po po into the fire.
All that came out was ash, and chunks of bones that the fire couldn't and wouldn't consume, like it knew we needed physical proof that she was gone, and at the same time needed something to linger.

On the way back in the bus we were all quiet, drinking our packet drinks, like it was taboo to speak.

At the age of nineteen my grandma comes to mind occasionally.
And on a night like this, I wonder.

We Learn. Every Day.

2008-03-24T15:30:00.007+08:00

Would you still be friends with me when you find out that I have done the following:

1. Shaved my head completely bald in a fit of intense frustration over the collective of hay that constantly flops down my short forehead. Without hair my forehead looks like it extends all the way to my nape. There's no knowing where my forehead starts from/end at because the barber did such an amazing job that it looks like I either waxed my head to remove all hair roots as well, or was born without pores on my scalp such that hair cannot grow. In other words my head is now smooth as a marble, literally, and when you touch it it feels like a baby's ass - minus the fine hair on the baby's ass of course.

2. Went to the barber's instead of the hairdresser's to shave aforementioned head.

3. Officially changed my name to Baldwin because of a simple thought which grew into dislike for the name, which eventually got me hung up on, which snowballed into something like fascination, and then it become an obsession. Thus I am now known as Baldwin Tan. Suits my hairless image fine too.

4. Bathed, when I say bathed I mean I shampooed my head of thick long hair (when I still had a head of thick long hair) and soaped the entire surface area of my fat body, with just one full pail of water, which I amazingly found out, is still excessive. I shall start campaigning for "One Pail Per Bath" in a bid to save water. Lovely.

5. Sat at a coffeshop in Avenue 4, where I was positively sure I was the youngest around, thinking of how much is excess when it comes to thinking of a person. (Is it me being fussy, or do you detect a subtle difference between "thinking OF a person" and "thinking ABOUT a person".) And then enjoying it.

6. Has lied to you twice in this entry alone, specifically in saying that I've done points 1, 2 and 3. Did you really think that I'd go to a barber, huh? A barber?!

And no, I wasn't lying when I said that I bathed with just one full pail of water. Go on try it! (:

Your Voice Sounds Hoarse

2008-03-21T01:05:00.003+08:00

I pinch my forehead and I think it is too short. My fringe falls like a messy flop over my short forehead.

It's almost becoming a prerogative to be hungover on the days I have a date with the jc bunch. Of course I try not to let the puking get in the way of my stepping out of the house, but you've got understand that puking in public can be potentially mentally scarring. In a warped way I'm always clear headed when I'm hungover. It's like I see and feel about things in a way I've never seen or felt before. Especially with regard to my adamance in total abstinence from alcohol which peaks at its strongest when my stomach is retching and I'm expelling bile. Other than these times my resolve to stay away from alcohol is like my attendance to school - almost religious.

Okay la scratch that, who am I trying to kid right.

Other than these times my resolve to stay away from alcohol is like my attendance to school - nonexistent la can, nonexistent.

They say the alcohol, dear, it ain't so sweet

You don't have to drink that much.

But you can let your hair down,

Every once in a little while.

This was playing in my head the whole time the last time I was hungover. It's a twisted version of When You Were Young by The Killers that my horribly clear mind came up with.

Today I realise that I'm almost slightly perverse when it comes to doing housework. I only derive enjoyment from cleaning up when I see a substantial amount of dust on surfaces getting transferred onto the wet cloth, and then into the pail where it gives the water a dark, murky appearance. I only enjoy sweeping the floor when I see a lot of hair and dust gathered by the broom into a pile. I absolutely abhor it when there are mysterious droplets of water either on the floor or in the dustpan, and when the broom sweeps the hair and dust across the droplets it does something icky to the pile of rubbish collected. Bits of the rubbish pile are now wet, and this causes some of the hair and dust to coagulate on the floor, and strands of straw on the broom to stick together as well, and I lose all enthusiasm for sweeping after that.

But you know what that means don't you? It means that I'm only inclined to cleaning up and sweeping when the place is awfully dirty, and only when there's enough dust to make a pail of water murky, and only when there's enough hair on the ground to cover up the shiny patch on a balding man's head.

On an absolutely random note, Baldwin's not a very nice name to name your kid eh. Imagine the names he/she is going to get at school. Why, it's not very nice to name your daughter Baldwin, considering how Baldwin sounds relatively like a guy's name. (okay, okay, let's not go into the masculinity/feminity binary debate here)
Well, unless you really hate girls for children and want impede her social skills for life seeing how she wouldn't be able to get past introducing her name to strangers she meet, and end up depending on counselling for the rest of her life till she goes to change her name. Which she probably wouldn't dare to because she'd be gripped by the potential trauma she might face when she submits her name-change form to the counter person and gets horribly sniggered at. O the devastation, how unfair life is to girls named Baldwin.
And it wouldn't help if people named Baldwin reach middle age and actually start to bald. Urgh it's a terrible, terrible name.

Back to the point, I think it's perverse to actually derive joy from doing housework in any case, regardless the amount of dirt accumulated. So anyway, I'm a little bit high in a wacked up way purely from the time itself. The clock reads 5 a.m. and I can almost smell the fresh air which comes with nice early mornings when the sun hasn't risen. I think I should go for a walk but I'll probably faint about halfway and roll down the six flight of stairs from my house to the ground floor. Alternatively I can take a lift but I think I'll probably faint about halfway down the corridor to the lift. I'm being a little too ambitious here I think before I even get to stand up from my desk I'll fall asleep in front of the comhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhuyj

Indulge me la.

2008-03-20T02:58:00.004+08:00

I have fallen in love with Jay Chou all over again. Hey it's not like I could help it. I was just reading blogs innocently when pictures of Jay's concert started popping up everywhere and... and... and... you get it right? Not my fault that he's so bloody photogenic, and looks good enough to, urm... eat.

Oh oh, and George is sailing for Taiwan in April. Yes you read that right, sailing, not flying. Flying is only for mere civilians like you and I. Divers do it the special way.

"Bring Jay Chou back for me?"
"OK! But will mochi do too?"

AH. I look forward to the day that Jay Chou acknowledges my existence. And DON'T THINK THAT WAY, whatever you're thinking which goes along the line of "in your dreams" and rubbish like that.

I will push you onto the ground and make you eat grass if you do.

My Heart, Like Chocolate, Melts Easily.

2008-03-17T01:46:00.008+08:00

Dear friend,

Today on the way back in the bus you swam your way into my thoughts when your favourite song played, although I wonder if it is still your favourite song now. I somehow doubt it, but I guess it doesn't really matter now, because the past isn't necessarily real, and the present becomes past all too quickly.

I think you always have been unique, in a way that makes me want to be closer to you, but at the same time wary because proximity might just destroy your individuality.

Is it only March then, because it certainly feels like we've been talking a lot and talking more. How much is too much, when anything goes? What will happen if we have got nothing left to say?

Technically we've known each other for four and a half years. That isn't a long time, and then again it isn't short either. We're somewhere in between, and I think in-between suits us fine. We're like seasonal friends because we only seem to talk and meet up at certain times of the year.

I think of you at ridiculously random times.

Yours Truly.

Speeding down Failure Avenue.

2008-03-13T10:54:00.003+08:00

This is when I decide to cease attending school, both lectures and tutorials. Considering my current attendance, I figure I won't be missing much if I simply stopped going completely.

Now now, there's no need to look so shocked. You should have roughly been able to recognise all the telltale signs foreboding that this kind of thing was about to happen in your, ranging from the daily to the sporadic, interaction with me. (Oh I swear the mosquitoes are out to get me. They fly around incessantly when I am seated at my table, and when I leave the room to take the insecticide they're all gone. I think they actually recognise the shiny, slim cylinder of insecticide spray. Have I mentioned before that mosquitoes don't bite me? Do mosquitoes bite or sting anyway? Technically they're puncturing your skin with that needle like tube of their's right, so I guess it's stinging.)

Methinks it's a good time for a list! (Oh boy, lists! Lists! I love lists! And on a sidenote, people with lisps cannot pronounce lists eh. Just like how they cannot even communicate their condition adequately because the word lisp is a cruel word for lispers. The world works in cruel ways.)

Telltale Signs of Subject's Imminent Cessation of Attendance to School.

1. When Subject gets less than 8 hours of sleep in two days and nights.
This may be due to Subject rushing out assignments as one very, very strong possibility among various others. Or it may be due to Subject's furious attempt at reading course texts. Or it may be Subject's disgusting habit of procrastinating coupled with the evil Internet with access readily at hand, all while assignment-doing is ongoing.

2. When Subject gets less than 8 hours of sleep in two days and nights, but still fails to hand in assignment on time.
This causes Subject to be panicky, and distraught even if Subject's face displays calm and nonchalance carried off by a blank look which is a result of insufficient shut eye. Although friends of Subject may not possibly be able to tell, deep down, Subject is really freaking out. One cannot possibly fathom the stress level of Subject unless one happens to be Subject's Procrastibuddy and is in the same boat as Subject.

3. When Subject runs amok in the house with hands flailing in the air, loudly proclaiming "I DON'T WANT TO GO TO SCHOOOOL!"
Family members should immediately be able to pick up the negative vibes Subject is exuding, and take Subject's claim seriously for once.

4. When Subject gets around the house by rolling about on the floor like a blob.
Okay this is random.

5. When Subject merges molecularly with bed and sheets, to the point that Subject has difficulty detaching body from bed on school mornings.
Some may think this is a matter of mind over body, but Subject's assimilation with bed has been proven by Subject's perennial case of bedhead.

6. When Subject goes to school but does not attend class.
And instead hides away in a certain auditorium with a certain Procrastibuddy to talk and laugh about everything under a certain sun, which is ironic because it certainly has been raining cats and dogs these days.

7. When Subject stops asking people out because Subject has schoolwork in mind.
This highly impediments Subject's social skills, and it does not help that Subject hardly sees school friends due to Subject's failure to appear in school.

Thus concluded.

But then again I think that if I start going to school regularly, in a warped and twisted way I might be able to recognise the joys of school again. So I am going to try. Have I mentioned that I thoroughly enjoy doing project with my project mates because they're all super funny people? And have I mentioned that my friends from Lit are super funny too? And not to mention uber lovely. (:

Gosh. This might just get me going to school again.

XIIV

2008-03-01T22:40:00.004+08:00

Take

into

this

vile

mind

mine

MediBiotics

2008-02-29T22:33:00.007+08:00

Spin, sipn, psin.

Detach, detach, detach ed.

Of Classes of Life Forms.

2008-02-16T12:00:00.002+08:00

(My eyes sting from the lack of sleep they should have been accustomed to by now.)

"I appreciate you."
This was what Datou told Dongua on the basketball court one fine day in our year as fifteen year olds. This year we're twenty.
This memory randomly surfaced in my head the other day.

I took a quiet pilgrimage around town today. There was no interference from the mobile phone and music player, it was a journey for the senses. My ears took in the sounds, sounds of bus engines, of people murmuring, of babies crying, of bad ringtones, of music blaring from the shops, of footsteps shuffling, and of leaves rustling in the wind. My eyes took in the sights, sights of people's faces, of vehicles on the roads, of mismatched clothes, of sun rays, of intricate actions, of people stealing glances at other people, of clouds, and of grass swaying in the wind. My nose took in the smells, smells of exhaust, of light fragrance from flowers, of cut grass, of pungent body odour, of fried garlic, and of nature carried forth by the wind. My skin took in the sensations, sensations of skin brushing skin, of static in air conditioned malls, of prickly bus seats fabric, of sweat, of rough brick walls, of mist on the face, of hair accidentally grabbed, and of wind blowing.
My tongue however, could taste only nothing.

I sat on the curb and looked at the cars go by and wonder why
They all only looked straight ahead.

We were the four gargoyles sitting atop the gantry. One of us threw paper at the oncoming cars. One of us was thinking about the future. One of us was leaving this place the next day. One of us was hypnotised by the headlights. We were (almost like) the unseen guardians of the roads. The wind was blowing from the back, like it was trying to blow us off the ledge.
One thing I learnt that night,
is that the wind it blows
Perpetually.

This morning I dreamt that I saw Rachel off at the airport. I dreamt that I met her auntie and saw her baby sister. In the dream her sister was all but five years old, and she was already only ten centimetres shorter than me. I held Rachel's hand and only when it was time for me to go home did I let it go.
And then I woke up and it was already 11.30, and Rachel had already left on the plane.

You Must Be Me, Me In Mirrorland.

2008-02-08T01:45:00.000+08:00

Time buries steadily. He furiously digs, uncovering piles and piles of seconds, minutes and hours, in vain attempt to salvage what matters. He picks up bits and pieces of Past, and sticks them in the pages of a scrapbook lying on the ground beside him.

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.

The next moment he knows, the bits of Past on the pages have dissolved into sand. And he really couldn't do anything, and he really couldn't help but cry.

He knew the Past was important, that recalling it helped him remember how he used to be. But he also knew that the Past wasn't something he should live in.

This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then lead the rest of our lives,
But Not Together.

What had that man on the corner of the street said to him?
What exactly?

"You're a big boy now, let's not talk about love."

To which he'd bizzarely replied, "When did your heart go missing?"

And then again, for the seventh time in three days, he filled the bath with hot water, and lay submerged till the bath overflowed with the excess volume of his tears.

When Bessie Barges In, I Know it's Time to Sleep.

2008-01-22T02:38:00.000+08:00

University is an expensive affair, not to mention tiring. Why would someone pay so much to tire oneself out? It's not like when you're working, because when you work, you get tired, but you're earning money. When you attend university, you get tired, and at the same time you're spending money. You don't know for sure if it can be considered a long term investment, because that very degree you're studying for doesn't exactly render you fabulous career options, neither does it do much to increase your workforce value. There isn't much demand in society for an English Literature Major is there? ):

Why, you're not even sure you can graduate with a degree in the first place. Shucks. Don't you hate it when reality hits you hard on the head. Now it all feels like a total waste of time and money. Think of all the things you could have accomplished with the money you could have earned if you weren't in university. Talk about opportunity cost. Now it all sounds like economics to me.

Which shows that education does come in handy in random points of life. Which then shines new light on aforementioned-- I'm not attending school for nothing! *throws arms in air for joy* I bet that in some distant future the need to discuss Kuo Pao Kun/ Heart of Darkness/ Romanticism/ Jane Eyre etc with a random whoever will arise, and when that time comes, I'd look back at this entry and laugh and say "HA who said university was a waste of time! See what I took out of school with me! I just had a heated debate with Random Whoever about the sexual orientation of Oscar Wilde!" after which I'd break down and cry. (Oh. Run-on line, what did the teachers use to say about run-ons huh? HUH?!) Ack.

I suddenly lost the ability to conclude therefore this entry will end hanging. (What did teachers say about not concluding huh? HUH?!)

Oh what I really wanted to say in this entry was that Irene and Eddie are getting married! Eddie actually surprised Irene by proposing to her at the shop! AAAAAH! That's like the best thing I've heard this year. Whoopee. (:

This is When I Suddenly Realise.

2008-01-11T01:54:00.000+08:00

I have seen you for what you are
You are no longer a mystery.
Goodbye, goodbye
You must now leave.

This is it. This is the end to the long silences and the intense stares. When you expose too much you risk over-exposure. And when you're over-exposed it's like you're stripped down half-naked in public, it's a free show for all. And now that borders uncomfortably along the lines of indecent exposure, depending on which half of the body you prefer to think is naked.

Sometimes I think I need bigger eyes, to really look at things for what they are in reality, and not past them to something beyond that doesn't really reflect the truth.

This part of my life is called bad judgment.

Sick Sad Little World.

2008-01-06T16:38:00.003+08:00

Something is wrong with the world when at any point in time in your cosy circle of close friends you have more sad friends than happy ones.

Recently the number of sad friends in my cosy circle has been increasing. And it's heartwrenching that when we meet up, they do such a good job of keeping their feelings under wraps, their faces straight or even smiling, such that I can't seem to detect the possible undercurrents of sadness that they might be feeling inside. Which makes me feel quite lousy when I find out after that they'd been putting up brave fronts. I admire them because they're considerate about other people around them which makes me love them even more because they must be feeling very crappy inside. ): My lovely friends deserve better.

"If I had one ray of sunlight to hold in my hand
Maybe we can be happy again."

Rachie sent me this Phantom Planet song while we were in J1 if I remember correctly. And I think of her when I listen to it. She's currently in Australia, and feeling unwell. ): At times like this I am helpless, and all I can do is to tell her to drink more water and get sufficient sleep, which is hardly any comfort. It must be hard on her, and all I can take comfort in is that at least there is the Beng to take care of her. She's coming back on 30th June, which is about one month from now, and I am looking forward to that. The last time she came back for a period of two months we only met like what, 3 times? I know it was so silly.

Previously, on Tuesday I went cycling with Yanni at Sentosa in a weak attempt to take her mind off stuff. I realised cycling is an activity that allows you think more about stuff. My bad. Although she said she had fun at the end of the day, it still made me feel kinda bad, especially after I read what she wrote, that she was actually hurting a lot inside. She is silently resilient like that. What she wrote made me face up to the fact that perhaps our friendship needed a bit of tweaking and repairing. I'm going to work on it because after all like she said, 十三年半的友情绝对不是蓋的。I don't even know what the second last character means, but I figured it probably translates to something like, thirteen and a half years of friendship definitely is for real. (Enlightenment anyone?) Sometimes, the way I look at this relationship, we are like a married couple with kids, and we know that the other one is around at close proximity, but we just don't see that need to reach out to each other. Yanni is my oldest friend, and I have known her for more than half my life, and all I know is that I have to be there for her.

Anita, the one who has the world on her shoulders to bear. Some time back, I had the revelation that she's the strongest person I ever knew. Don't be fooled by her whiny antics and her ah lian appearance. I think most people don't have an inkling of the things she has to go through. It's pretty amazing how she does it, and I know that she's not getting much help. From Anita I learnt that things happen when they want to, and all you can do is to face them head on. By the strength that she thinks she does not have, I am secretly inspired, because in obscure and strange ways, I see it in her. Some of you must be thinking, "What can Anita possibly be going through? I've been through much worse in MY life." This is where some of you may be wrong. Or this might be where I am wrong to think that most of you couldn't have been through what Anita is having to go through right now. But from what I know, Anita deserves much, much better. Salute, and a big pat on the back for her!

Went out with jiawen, poon and evey last Saturday. Jiawen was her usual crappy and crazy self. I swear being with them brings out the noisy side of me. Well, YES I AM USUALLY QUIET and I will push you to the ground if you disagree. So anyway, I think jiawen was probably troubled over certain stuff, but the way she carried herself that night was admirable. She was positively sprightly, and proactive, trying to secure every chance she has to achieve what she wanted. I know whatever she's going through must be disheartening, I know for sure that if it happened to me I'll lock myself in the room and sleep for one whole week before I come to terms with it, but that's not jiawen to mope about. I know we don't meet up very often, but I enjoy every moment that we do.

Have been meeting up with skippy a few times, and this lamo never fails to make me laugh each time. She doesn't wear her hurt on her face, and is forever making lame jokes that I lamely laugh at. Haha. I know. It's a certain vibe cultivated by 7 years of friendship that runs through the 9pees. I still think it's pretty amazing really. With skippy it's not easy to convince her that she can do better than that. But in reality we all think that she can, and we are sometimes exasperated because we can't seem to successfully put that across to her. I think that being in TP dance has changed her tremendously. Skippy doesn't voice out the distress that she is experiencing when she is out with us, neither does she let it affect her and in turn affecting us. Sometimes there are glimmers which hint that she had let down her guard for a moment there, but most of the time they come and go as quickly, and all at once she is looking at you with normalcy on her face again. What I think she needs now is time, a LOT of time. And really skippy, THE NEXT ONE WILL BE BETTER.

Everyone I know can be my greatest inspiration at times.

I've Got the Dreamer's Disease.

2008-01-04T18:32:00.001+08:00

I lost track of the number of times I pressed down on the shutter only to miss the lightning.
This is when I finally succeed.

And I have always wondered how they get cranes up onto buildings.

You know how sometimes when you say something unkind to someone, and you see that the person actually recoils with with hurt, and all at once you know that you've just said the wrong thing. The recoiling part makes me very uncomfortable, it's as if your words take on a physical form. I didn't think they were being literal when they said "your words dealt him a blow."
I try not to say things which hurt. Unless I'm so close to you that I'm all comfortable when I'm with you, let down my guard, and say things which I don't process beforehand. For which I am sorry, because I definitely wouldn't deliberately hurt anyone I'm close to.

School's starting in a few days, and for some reason I'm feeling nervous about it. I think it's the thought of having to make new friends in tutorial classes all over again. (Now that makes me sound superficial. But I'm pretty comfortable with the friends I made last semester. I hope we can attend lectures and have lunches together.) On second thoughts, I'm sure the nerves come from the thought of the impending workload that is coming my way. (Sounds less superficial now, doesn't it?)

I suspect Yanni's trying to turn me into an Ah Lian because she got me all these blings as my Birthday and Christmas presents. I actually already own the exact same music note pendant, but I stopped wearing it after like about 7 times. But of course I still like it.
When she gave it to me it was a pleasant surprise because I saw it as a sign of how well she knew my taste.

I guess some things don't have to be said out loud.

I think my sister predicted my New Year's resolution, thus the watch. Don't you just love siblings who can read your mind? I love it because it's super pretty, and it has bling! And most importantly it somehow serves as a reminder of responsibility. It's some weird waves that I pick up from the watch.
I love my sister and brother-in-law.

That yellow happy thing is actually a tissue box from Melmel. I can't bear to use the tissues from it to blow my nose or to wipe icky things off the table. It's too cute for that. I shall use those tissues to wipe only perfume off my hands in the event that it gets on them in the first place, thus giving me scented tissue which I will put in my bag, which will then make my bag smell good.
The angel is also from Melmel, and it's about the sweetest thing that I ever received. It caused me to tear because it was really touching.
The words read:

"Travelling Angel

Whenever you travel,
be it near of far.
This angel
will guard you
wherever you are."

To me, it's beautiful, like everything else Melmel is.

This is very lovely and meaningful because Jas did it all by herself from scratch! Right from the title, to the groovy layout of the pictures, down to the individual captions. And it charts our growth, and our friendship. I shall proudly display it in the file that I bring to school.
"A picture speaks a thousand words."
These pictures do so much more. They capture memories, and narrate 7 years of invaluable friendship.

Thank you jas, you mean so much to me.

What better way to start the New Year then to do thanksgiving. Of course there's more, but Bessie's calling me to dinner, and my stomach is willing me to go. So go I will, to consume my dinner. It's YongTauFoo Bessie Cooked that I like so much. (:

Oh yes, my bedsheet is lime green.

Of Jolly and Folly

2007-12-31T02:51:00.000+08:00

"Everything happens for a reason."

Everybody must know that by now. The sentence certainly did not conjure itself up. There must be a reason why the saying came to be. It happened for a reason. (What profound knowledge I seem to be exhibiting. Look at what the holidays did to my brain.)

I like this photograph for no reason.
(Might mysteriously be the congested traffic.)

So today is officially the last day of 2007, and it is good to do reflections on the last day of each year. And what better way is there to keep track of all your reflections than making a list? Have I mentioned before that I love lists? I do.

So we start with the start, and end with, oh well, a new start.

1. I went through a break up.
Hey, I'm not being a wet blanket here by reminding you about THAT, but it really is the first major thing that happened to me at the start of the year. But hey, I strongly believe I emerged a little wiser from that relationship. Speaking of that, I saw the ex recently, and I did feel the tiny twinge of my heartstrings being tugged ever so slightly. But it was just a tiny twinge, and okay, in all honesty, I'm wondering whether I should drop him a Happy New Year message. But that's for 12 A.M., and when the time comes I'll just see where my spontaneity takes me. (:

Who in the world came up with the term "heartstrings"? I shall coin a new term, like "lungthreads" or "kidneystones". Oh wait, that's not new right. But lungthreads is new, and it shall be used as such: Thinking of him made my lungthreads knot up such that I had difficulty breathing.

2. I managed to secure a place in a local University.
Why, and even now as I type I'm missing school can you believe it. But I know that once the school term starts I'm gonna wish that I was on holiday, and that school never existed, and once the holidays start, I'm gonna wish that I was in school. Argh. Irony likes playing around with people like that. On hindsight, I'm very thankful for this chance to study Literature. I know my grades weren't all that good, and I am so grateful.

3. I almost became religious.
This is the closest I've ever been to an encounter with religion. At that time I really did believe that there was a God, but there was always a "but", always a "but". I don't know which is worse, believing that there is a God, but refusing to accept the teachings in Bible and all that is preached, or refusing to even believe that there is a God at all in the first place.

So in the event that there really is a God, and the day comes where you are hauled up in front of Him for judgment, can you imagine what'd happen?

Scenario A - Man who believes there's a God, but doesn't accept the Bible.
Man: There! I always knew you existed!
God: Good for you, so why didn't you follow my teachings in the Bible?
Man: Urm, that's because I found it full of contradictions, and I honestly didn't believe in life after death, thus negating the need for any kind of salvation to earn myself a place in your kingdom.
God: But you're dead now right, and we're still conversing, so doesn't this constitute life after death? Where do you think those pearly gates you entered led you to?
Man: Uhoh.
*Gets struck down by a bolt of lighting which mysteriously appears from nowhere.*

Scenario B - Man who does not believe in God.
Man: Who are you? What is this place?
God: I am God, the one you did not believe in.
Man: Whoa, cool. So, do I get pardoned for my sins because I didn't know better and commited them out of ignorance?
God: Hmm.. But you do know the existence of the Bible right?
Man: Urm, yeeees... But I've never read it before!
God: Too bad for you then, if you chose not to read it. I always knew free will was a mistake.
Man: Uhoh.
*Gets struck down by a bolt of lightning which mysteriously appears from nowhere.*

I dunno, I guess religion comes in a package. If you believe in God, you have to believe in the Bible. If you believe in Allah, you have to believe in the K'oran. If you believe in Buddha, you have to believe in the.. what, Buddhist scriptures? I-ching? The Buddhist Bible if you must. If you believe in MacDonald you have to believe in the Big Mac, just like how if you believe in Kentucky you have to believe in his fried chicken. (ARGH stop it already.)

No but seriously, I don't know. I don't know a lot of things. You hear so much nowadays that you don't know what to believe in anymore. "The greenhouse effect is a myth. The greenhouse effect is reality. Eating eggs increase your cholesterol level. Cholesterol does not come from eggs. Having 8 hours of sleep each day helps you lose weight. Not sleeping for three days straight helps you lose weight. Ghosts exist. Ghosts don't exist. David Blaine has magic in his fingers. Don't trust those warnings the producers put on saying that no camera tricks were involved. People are essentially born sad. People are essentially born happy. GOSH DON'T YOU JUST HATE CHOICES. There's a lot more we can talk about, but I'm sure you're tired of hearing already.

4. My editing job screwed up my command of the English language.
I can't tell whether it's "its" or "it's" anymore. Is it "the dog wagged it's tail" or "the dog wagged its tail"? Both look correct to me, sadly. "It's tail was injured"? "Its tail was injured"? Raaaaaarrrrr!
This is such a warped world. ):

5. My sister got married. I am officially a sis-in-law.
Wow cool! I've got a married sibling! Not many people I know have got married siblings. I'm eagerly awaiting the day where she gets pregnant and gives birth to a cute baby for me to play with. Ho ho ho. I have been dropping very blatant hints to her about my expectations for the arrival of a niece/nephew, but she doesn't seem to get them. ): No, I suspect she does actually, she just doesn't want to give me the satisfaction of playing with her baby. Heh heh.

6. I seriously considered trying to pick up smoking for a period of time.
Bad, bad person! ): Everybody copes in different ways. Okay that's pretty irrelevant. But oh well. I had bouts of emo and one bout of anti-social and all the while my mind was keeping me occupied with morbid thoughts which did nothing good for me at all. I think Lit does funny things to one because it can be such a depressing subject. It weighs down heavily, and you know it, but there's nothing you can do to lift that load off, it will stay there because it has made an impact on your life. I love Lit for various reasons.

7. I realised that you need to work at making relationships work.
Why, of course I didn't only realise it this year. But this year made it especially hard for me because I suddenly became busy with seemingly pointless things that snowballed into terrible time consumers. We're talking about my time here, hello. It's no longer like in the past where I had too much time on hand, it's different now. It's like I suddenly realised that there are things waiting quietly to be done, and when they start getting impatient you'll miss them, and I didn't want to miss anything, so I did everything. Or at least i tried to.

8. I almost fell in love.
Okay that's too dramatic. I didn't almost fall in love, I had a crush on some stranger in school. And he's the closest I got to liking since the ex, so I consider that a good thing because it signifies moving on.

8. I had a wonderful Christmas.
Christmas Eve was lovely, Christmas Day was lovely too. And I certainly do believe that New Year's Eve will be lovely too, as with New Year's Day, and the new year ahead. It's always funny how when you caught in that situation at that point in time you experience the extremely good, the extremely bad, and all of the array of varying degrees of goodness (and badness) in between, but when you look back, somehow, it's all good. It's all good. I guess that's what they call having no regrets, and if there's one thing I'm proud of myself, it's having no regrets. (Until i recall any, that is.) The thing is, I strongly believe that my life has turned out the way it has so far because of the choices that I make. I can't remember how regret feels like. Which is a good thing I assume, let's hope it stays that way.

OH, and I'm starting out small for my new year resolution. It's simple, and hopefully achievable. I resolve to be punctual. There you go. Nicely done. Simply put, but says a lot. At least to me it does.

Next year I'll resolve to buy a Ferrari or something.

The year ahead will be a great one. (:

King of Kings, Queen of Queens

2007-12-13T00:02:00.002+08:00

It was hanging there one fine day.

Throughout the entire examination period I'd been having utterly random thoughts and dreams, and it didn't feel appropriate to go about updating blogs during the exam period. So I wrote everything down in my word pad.

I dreamt of MacDonald's, of Tian Meng (a secondary schoolmate I've never spoken to in my entire life), of zombies, of being given a pencil to defend my self, of interchangeable shaft covers, of pretty weird stuff, but mostly dark images.

What if one day you fall in love with Death? What if one day you realise you don't have much time left? (I was watching Meet Joe Black at the time, and it was interesting the way they portrayed Death to be innocent and all, not to mention hot.)

Confined to my own thoughts, I toss in bed, drift off and wake up without feeling rested. I eat, simply allowing the throat muscles to push the food down, without any enjoyment whatsoever. I almost throw up when I swallow the salmon.

My parents are the cutest people on earth. My sister is the third cutest person.

The view from the kitchen window. It's what I have grown to rely on for random moments of serenity.

And then a friend said,
"Mean it when you cuss! That's what makes it satisfying!
That or don't do it at all."
And I thought it sounded like a catchy tagline for a cussing advert

Hanging there for its dear life.

Cold Clothes.

2007-12-09T23:01:00.000+08:00

Sun rays never fail to amaze.

Today is one of the coldest days ever.

I recall how it's the same every end of the year, where the roads in Orchard are decked out in fancy lights in anticipation of Christmas day. There I'd be in the bus, my hands being freezed off by the jets of cold air blowing out from the aircon outlets. You know how the furthest those little nozzles can be adjusted is such that the cold air blows directly on your lap, and when you're travelling in a bus, there's no better place for you to position your hands except on your lap? Of course by the end of the journey my hands would usually be under my butt, which would be the only part of my body which remains warm.

Bloody freezing I tell you. But the decorations somehow always seem to make it better. I like looking at the lights out of the bus windows condensed with water droplets.

While I was at IMM tonight I momentarily became a Magnet for All the Bad Vibes There Possibly Could Be Floating About in the Air. My mind blanked out and started filling up with all of those thoughts meant to get you down. And they did. They got me, right in the head, and straight to the heart.

It kept playing, "knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door..."

I saw without seeing, I heard without listening, and I spoke without thinking. I saw people without faces. I heard voices without sources. I said things which had no meaning. I must have been unreal just for that moment.

I scanned the crowd.
I thought of my happy friend.
I love my happy friend.

Insolent Involuntary Insomnia

2007-11-09T13:00:00.000+08:00

Last night I revisited The Girl with the Flaxen hair and realised that I don't like it as much as I did when I was thirteen.

The pencil is a precious instrument.

Dear now just hold me tight
As we lie in bed tonight
Tell me it will all be right
As long as we are one tonight

That you've effectively killed the past
The past that hinges on one word, Lust
I'll hold you tight now if I must
And tell you Sweet, in you I trust

Dear now just hold me close
As we lay in bed, morose
The ceiling spins from overdose
Don't forget now, I need you most

(My enigma, I wish I never see
Past you, the one who screams intrigue
To keep you shrouded in mystery
Strangers, I'm afraid, we must be.)

Bleed Heart, Bleed.

2007-11-01T19:57:00.000+08:00

The dull of my thudding heart tells me something's not quite right.
I knew I shouldn't have succumbed to the lull of the text.

All at once you see more, you hear more, you feel more. You think you understand, but really, you don't. All of the longing he speaks of, all of the loving he writes of, all of the darkness he equates himself to; it pulls you down, it drags you inside like a dog does a bone. You're helpless in his myriad of shadows.
No light, no light, we need some light in here. What shadows? There are no shadows, only smoke, and you will be engulfed in the smoke from his cigarettes.
Cut it out.
Cut It Out.
CUT IT OUT.
CUT OUT A PIECE OF ME AND
(please don't) BLEED ME TO THE BRIM
till I overflow and spill out onto the walls of this existence.

You see parts of his life flash by. You don't fancy it you say. How much more better off are you. You can't leave this.
You have effectively crawled your way into that small room in the floor and locked yourself in and thrown away the key. You're stuck. Only now you realise that you're stuck.
Stop it.
Stop It.
STOP IT I SAY BEFORE YOU ARE ENTANGLED IN HIS DECEIT.

What?
No second chances?

I'm hungry it's dinner time.

Fillial Ophelia

2007-10-09T02:13:00.000+08:00

Well nope, actually in the context of Shakespeare's plays, the one known for fillial piety is Cordelia in King Lear.

Bright White Lights are out.
Yellow Mellow Lights are in.
At least in my life.
So, one of the greater obssessions in the life of Vanessa (one of which is obssessing over the obssession with homework, but not actually getting anything done) is now yellow lights. Her room had just been fitted with a yellow ceiling light. Warm light, as the lighting people call it. And she is currently sitting in front of the computer screen basking in the warm yellow glow from the hall wall lights. Ha don't you just love rhymes?

Gosh what am I doing I'm supposed to be working on an assignment, but I guess a break now and then doesn't harm anyone right?

My teeth are brushed and my face is washed, and I have drunk two glasses of water since. This is one of those times when I'm feeling slightly sedated by time and the lateness of it all, which is a feeling equivalent to a subtle kind of high. Is that how I should put it... Nope, it's more like a subtle kind of consciousness that you're alive, that your senses are more than slightly awake yet asleep. Everything is quiet except for the stupid bunch of screaming youths who just drove past on the road outside. The side of my knee itches. I scratch at the itch mindlessly. Cough cough. (Oh I just realised that my music has stopped playing. And that I spelled occasional the first time correctly and the second time wrongly in the previous entry. I must have some sort of spelling disorder. Or you could simply call it carelessness.)

What a waste of Internet connection time this entry is. Yes I do not have unlimited Internet connection time. I scratch my ear lobe. And sneeze. I swallow and my throat feels sore and I smell that phlegmy smell. The noisy vehicle has just moved off noisily. My other knee itches and I scratch it. I look at the clock and it says 3 o'clock. I think it's time for me to go back to my assignment.

I swear I need a life. I shall upload pictures! If I ever learn how to. And if I ever get to upload the pictures into my computer first. AAARGH. Everything is so pointless. My knee itches.

I Was An Unwilling Party.

2007-10-02T02:51:00.000+08:00

About forty eight minutes ago--

I am taking a break from my assignment. The room window looks so tempting I cannot help but stick my head out of it. The last time I recall such a beautiful night was probably around December of 2006. The sky is a luminous red and moderate winds are blowing. It smells deliciously of rain. There are no stars tonight. There are no cars on the road except for the occasional taxi. The units on the block opposite are all dark. It feels like no one else is awake except for me and the streetlights and the ocassional taxi drivers. I have not felt such great peace and calm in ages. The feeling is so overwhelming that I get goosebumps on my legs. I take in the winds and the rainy smell and the lights and all of the clouds in the sky.

About thirteen minutes ago--

I have completed the assignment. The room window still looks tempting. Again I stick my head out of the window. I see a man on a bicycle and start fantasising about having a motorbike and riding on the road at night. I see two ah bengs ride past on bikes. I look up at the sky and it looks like it is going to rain.

And then I recall.

And then I unwittingly recall.

I recall the month of December in the year of Two Thousand And Six and the time when we had our annual starwatching expedition. I recall when I waited at the bus stop across the road.
It was drizzling.

I no longer am recalling.

I am watching it happen.

It was raining when we ran across the road. It was raining when we sat in the bus. It was raining when we walked in the mall. I think the rain must have washed the traces of body soap off your hand onto mine. I could smell your soap on my palm afterwards.
And then I remember.

I remember.

Why do I remember.

Muses

2007-09-20T21:49:00.001+08:00

20th September 2007

They were daughters, and there were nine. Muses, that is.

According to the OED, a muse is a classical mythol. (How amusing! Haha I'm so sorry I couldn't help that.) Each of the nine goddesses regarded as presiding over and inspiring learning and the arts, especially poetry and music. They were daughters of Zeus and Mnemosyne, and normally held to be nine in number.

Ah, the interesting intricacies we find out as an English Literature Major.

But hey we don't only learn Greek mythology. In fact we don't touch that at all, the above was just a very minor subpoint in the entire lecture, but it was about the most interesting thing, I found. Why I'm not saying that the rest of the lecture was boring. Definitely not, no one planted that idea in your head right?

I was in a rather bad mood the moment I got home because it has been a long day at school, and Bessie pissed me off further by being very demanding, and I cannot stand her being demanding when I am in a bad mood, so I just pissed off and locked myself in the room trying to figure out if she had been through my things and I decided that she had when I found the Daniel Wu pamphlet in the dustbin. So I picked it up in an intense pique of anger and threw it on my table and if I come back from school tomorrow and find it in the dustbin I shall pick it up again, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day until Bessie realises that I want it, and I want her to stop going through my things. I am irritating that way, but that's the way I am.
I also got pissed because she removed the bedsheets and I had to put the bedsheets on if I wanted a nap, which was what I wanted badly when I got home, so I slept on the floor of my locked room in the very same intense pique of anger. I hated the smell of her cooking wafting into my room and staying like an unwanted guest for a very long time but I still fell asleep anyway. I woke to the sound of Phillip frantically trying to open the door by twisting the doorknob this way and that and grumpily ate my dinner of porridge, canned meat, fish and vegetables.

I wish I had a rooftop to sit on.

18th September 2007

She's been taken in by the music. And that doesn't help with her perennial neck ache. Nor does it help with the moods. Listening to it over and over will not cure her obsession. She wished she had ivory to tinker on. You never know what's going through her head. Let her waltz, let her tap her feet in time with the music, let her feel it in her fingers in her veins in her blood in her life. In her life. In her life like a soundtrack; the soundtrack of life where the scenes do not connect they break they shatter they cut like glass and etch themselves deep in her heart, deep in her heart where no one can every access. She locks herself up away from the family. There is no light, just one yellow bulb. And it lights up most of her time. Let the music go on, let it play, let it be the one that unlocks the chains on her ankles and wrists. Let it unlock the chambers in her heart.

11th September 2007

I'm losing myself.
What am I doing? Where is she?
I don't like it. What am I doing? Where is my character where has it gone?
Where are my friends?
Pull me back friends pull me back.
I'm lost.
Find me.
FIND ME.
Get me back.
I miss everything we used to be, used to share, used to have.
I miss the ways.
I miss.
I'M MISSING.

Well, You Probably Weren't All Aware.

2007-09-08T00:27:00.002+08:00

Happiness, she said, and then it was gone.

It's sort of a transient thing. But then again, all things are transient. No wait, what's the meaning of transient in the first place?

School's probably the current highlight of life. But it's so draining and I really wonder why. Maybe it's the course. Maybe it's the stifling atmosphere in campus. Maybe it's just the weather. Must be the weather. I keep dressing for the wrong weather, and then feeling stupid for doing so. People should just stick to school uniforms. (Bessie's watching some korean drama. I dislike korean dramas for reasons unknown.)

Everything's rather different now. I keep having bouts of ridiculous emotions dropping in (during school hours mostly). The weather's really hot isn't it? But some days the weather's really cold. I'm high at inappropriate times. I get moody pretty easily, and I realise I don't have much to say so I keep quiet most of the time. But when I talk an entire truckload of rubbish comes out. It's like there's nothing good left up there. I'm sleepy.

I miss my friends. I'm gonna cry like a baby and hope that my tears will wash me towards them like a tidal wave. I think we're tired most of the time. (At this point, there really are too many "I"s in the paragraphs, making me sound like some self-absorbed freak.) Met a bit of 9P today, realised that our meetings are getting shorter and more abrupt. A bunch of tired people aren't really that dynamic. But it's always nice. Always nice.

I want to skulk around in the shadows.
I want to shave my head.
I want to be a plateau. (I had trouble spelling that.)

Give me a Rubik cube anyday. Temper's short though, might just destroy it.

Everytime I Try To Walk Away...

2007-07-14T01:33:00.000+08:00

More and more I'm getting the feeling that friends aren't that easy to keep. Much as I hate losing any single one of them, maybe some things just don't happen the way I'd like them to. It's just one of life's ways isn't it.

We've been through this many times right, aren't you tired? Oh right, why should you be considering you haven't really been trying. Maybe our days in secondary school are too far away to bring back warm feelings now. Or maybe it's just the way we don't talk at all now. Or maybe it's just that we don't really have much in common. Maybe it's pointless trying to pinpoint the reason, because if you'd thought there was something wrong, you'd have already tried. But you haven't, and I don't think you ever will.

We might as well be Strangers.

I thank the people who were there with me through my emo days.

Anita, the funny lady who makes me laugh with the things she say and her supernice messages. Hah I seriously was surprised when I got her smses and I felt warm and fuzzy in my heart. How can she be an ah lian when she's this thoughtful? :D

Lilian, I know she's going through a rough patch herself, and it was real nice of her to drop me that lovely sms. I know she'll be strong through all of this. Go lilian go!

Rachel, haha one of the main causes of my state of emo. I'd hate her for that, but then she's too lovable for me to do that. She's not here because she's somewhere else, but if she were chances are I'd be out with her right now because it's FRIDAY NIGHT! Or maybe I'd be out with her tomorrow night. Oh man, I miss her.

Johan, the drinker (of mineral water, of course) and the one who doesn't sleep much. Oh well what can I say, he's funny, and he's slightly capable of making me feel better. Slightly. But that capability increases with more drinks. But then again maybe it's the drinks ha.

Jianwei, hey babe! I'm sorry about the time I got all moody while we were at Tampines Mall, you were really nice la and I felt damn guilty after we left the place. She makes a great listener. Haha you're always so bubbly and warm! :)

Heler, sunshine boy who is able to make me feel better, he's the one who made it possible for me to see the brighter picture. He makes me laugh with all the lame things he says, and I am amused by the similarities we share.

EMO DAYS AWAY AWAY AWAAAAAY!

In and Out - Once Is Enough

2007-07-03T00:20:00.000+08:00

I see the things that happen in life, and they make me scared, afraid.
They make me want to cry, to scream in anguish, to bury my head in the pillow and suffocate.
They make me stay awake at night, when it's all dark outside, and they all come out to play, to play in my head, and in this heat, it's unbearable. I need to sleep.
When it's light outside all about, the song keeps playing on loop, repeat, it continues, it sings "you could be happy, you could be happy"
Yes I could be happy, I could be happy if I were carefree. But if I were carefree, I'd be inhuman.

When life comes to a standstill, and other people's lives go by, it's not right, you don't feel good, but at the same time it feels good too. It comes in spasms, like you know it's not right, but it feels right, but then again sometimes it's all wrong.

Today on the escalator up I had a dizzy spell. I'd never had any dizzy spell that serious in all my eighteen years. I couldn't walk straight, it was like I was drunk. Drunk on something unheard of, drunk on the song on repeat, drunk on heat, drunk on everything happening in other people's lives.
It sings "more than anything I want to see you go."

I feel the wind blowing against my hair and it is not a nice feeling like they say it should be. In fact it is one of the most horrid things I've ever experienced.

It must be that time of the month because everywhere I turn everything I see reminds me of how we used to be. And remembering makes me feel so bad. It doesn't always make me feel bad, but today I felt really bad.
Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god. "And for the tiniest moment it's all not true."

I'm scared.

"You Could Be Happy" - Snow Patrol

You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go
(You're going, you're leaving, but you'll be back and we'll meet again and laugh and dance and scream and talk)

And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played on lips 'till it's madness in my head
(It's all the things I wished you had not said, that are being played inside my head)

Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur
(Don't do that, please don't)

Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door
(My memories are tinted with that shade of red, it makes everything look damn good)

You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far
(The black spots blot out the angst, and they spread into the inner depths of the chambers)

Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true
(My senses are dead I'm so sorry)

Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do
(I need something to re(lie) on)

More than anything I want to see you go
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world
(Go, go on, I love you)

It's Funny, What They Say

2007-05-11T19:50:00.000+08:00

Life has a weird habit of making fools out of people. At least my life has a weird habit of making a fool out of me. Or is it just me fooling around with life?

Sometimes I get ridiculously happy over nothing and firmly declare that life is great. Sometimes I get ridiculously down and firmly declare that life is pretty crappy. But most of the time now I feel like nothing I do gives me any kick. You know, I can't get any kick out of doing the things I do. (Alright you should just kick me the next time you see me) But seriously, I not getting any satisfaction doing the things I'm doing, maybe except meeting up with friends.

Just a minute ago I felt like I had a lot to blog about, and a minute later my mind's a blank.

Therefore I shall do a list of things that I want to buy. (Wow! No brainer! I love no-brainers!)

1. A mobile phone. I want to get a Sony Ericsson model because they have the cutest phones.
Estimated price: $300

2. A pair of binoculars. This is not for bird watching, but for star gazing. I've had people telling me not to be ridiculous because you obviously cannot watch stars with binoculars. But you CAN if them binoculars were MADE FOR star watching duh.
Estimated price: $400

3. A point-and-shoot camera. Not the normal kind of digital cameras for casual photo taking, but one with manual zoom, with interchangeable lenses whoo. That turns me on.
Estimated price: At least $700

4. A bicycle. For whimsical night time cycling to visit friends who would probably be asleep. Or I can cycle to work.
Estimated price: $250

5. A motorcycle. For whimsical night time riding to visit friends who would probably be asleep. Or I can ride to work. I can so imagine myself riding on the road in the middle of the night. I like fantasising about that. :) But I guess it would be more practical to at least try and obtain a licence first right?
Estimated price: At least $4000? I have no idea how much a bike costs.

6. Google. YES I WANT TO BUY GOOGLE.
Estimated price: Priceless. What a priceless joke. I was just kidding when I said I want to buy google.

7. Earphones. With loud thubthumping bass that will drown out the singers' voices. Haha nah just kidding, as long as the bass is loud enough to drown out the background singers' voices. Haha nah kidding again, I just want good loud deep bass.
Estimated price: $70

Alright this is using up too much of my brain power. I've gotta leave some for the rest of the week. Argh I hate work. :(

Point, Sir.

2007-04-06T10:59:00.000+08:00

You know your job's getting to you when you actually recognise the frames people are wearing, and worse, when you actually recognise your customers on the streets. I find doing the latter rather disturbing.

For instance, I'm in the MRT and I look to my left, and standing there is a inconspicuous lady who was in the shop a week ago, whom I'd tried serving only to find that she'd blatantly expressed her preference for the service of Chester, who is Boss No. 2 (ha I'd just succeeded in making him sound like a brand of fragrance). Now I'm not saying that's unfair or wrong, alot of people bypass me for Chester, I mean even I would bypass me for Chester (but hey I'm not saying my service isn't good -- a lady customer of mine bought me 5 Crystal Jade char siew puffs. But then again it might have been due to the $100 discount Boss No. 1 gave to her. Or how about the time the elderly Thai couple asked me if I'd ever been to Thailand, and even kindly asked me to visit? And I'm almost certainly sure that in the event that I drop in on them when I'm ever in Thailand all I'd get is a "Who are you?"). Back to the inconspicuous lady, the very thing I'd noticed about her was her timidity, and I (unsurprisingly) noticed that about her again when I saw her in the train. Oh well.

Or how about the time at Clarke Quay. I heard a deep voice giving directions, to which I turned my head only to see a face belonging to a man that I would only have seen in the course of work because there is absolutely nowhere else in my memory that I can recall me having an acquaintanceship with him. Yes, that was a customer alright.

Enough of work.

I've got to go clean up some tombstones now.

Tag - You're It.

2007-03-24T11:51:00.000+08:00

Blinded (When I See You) - Third Eye Blind

Just an old friend coming over now to visit you and
That's what I've become
I let myself in though I know I'm not supposed to but
I never know when I'm done
("Are we gonna be friends?" I find myself constantly asking myself that. Or rather I find myself constantly wanting to ask him that. But thing is, I don't think he even wants to hear from me now. He doesn't message. He doesn't call. Not even as a friend? Why is that? Do you think he's angry? About what? I haven't got an inkling. Oh well.)

And I see you fogging up the mirror
Vapor round your body glistens in the shower
And I want to stay right here
and go down on you for an hour
( Have I ever mentioned that he has a great body? Yeah he does and I'd always felt secure with him. Minus the fact that his sense of balance is almost nonexistent. Gosh I love his built.)
Or stay, and let the day just fade away
In wild dedication, take the moment of hope
And let it run, and never look back at all the damage we have done now
To each other to each other to each other
(Yes, like all the times we've been quiet, not knowing what to say, and I had the strong urge to just plant a kiss on your cheek to make everything better, but always being restrained by something, something I know not of.)

Cause when I see you, it's like I'm staring down the sun
And I'm blinded
There's nothing left to do
But still I see you
(Everywhere I go now that we've been to before I still get these short clips in my head depicting all that we've ever done. Stop surfacing. Stop surfacing I say. Glorious memories melt into misery and pain when we're no more.)

I never believed that things they happen for a reason and
They never go as planned
(I hated planning, and you were one who had to plan everything beforehand. You wanted to make full use of your time. I have always been idle.)
I wanted to thank you for a vision that was lost that you returned
but you're passed do you understand
(You were my miracle. You are my miracle no more.)

Now her appetite is blown, little else is known
Except she a little angry, grabs a towel and looks away
And heat fades with the day
And I fall down on what to say,
Oh something clean let me be clever
(Now there must be something wrong when I've got more to talk about with my friends than what I've got to talk about with you. But I always tried. But the more I tried the less I had to say. And when words failed so did we.)
Hey oh well whatever
But that's not what I mean
Where we've been has left us burned
Still I won't turn now from a fight
You know I'll never win
(You once told me, in the event that we fought, to just ignore what you said and never to argue with you because ultimately I would be the one getting hurt. And that when you've cooled down you'd be able put yourself in my shoes and think about the matter in a rational way. But we never had the chance to fight.)

So when I see you, you know all the things I've done
Well I'm blinded
Like I'm staring down the sun
When I see you when I see you when I see you
It's like I'm staring down the sun
I'm blinded
(The times I watched you on the basketball court. You were in your element and you practically shone. At least I saw you shine. And now your face is still inked in my mind.)

Time passes and it tells us what we're left with
We become the things we do
(I was eaten by insecurities, but they were justified in the end. I saw it as a sign.)
Me I'm a fool, spent from defiance, yeah you got me but
I didn't give up on you
(There were times when I contemplated if I was doing the right thing. Maybe we should have waited longer before getting together. But it's okay, we tried right? It's all about feel.)

Icarus is not a tee shirt or a swan song, no
He is born again and it's not easy being me
(Heartily know, when half-gods go, the gods arrive. - Emerson)
But I can't promise I will mend or bend
When you believe that we are fixed now from our birth
And I've just fallen back to earth
Still you know I'll try again
(I take it as a consolation that we weren't very deep in love because the fall was then not as hard. And it appears now that even if there was a slightest chance that we'd get back together for some reason I wouldn't want that, but if I could turn back time I would definitely choose the path that I had chosen then, and get together with you all over again even if we had to break up ultimately.)
Cause I believe that
We are lucky
We are golden
We're stolen manners
In the days when we were one
(You made me see things the way I 'd never been able to before.)

So when I see you, despite all that we've become
I'm still blinded
But I'm still staring down the sun
When I see you when I see you when I see you
I'm still staring down the sun I'm still staring down the sun I'm still staring down the sun
I'm blinded
(There is no blame. I still miss you and think of you constantly, but hey think on the bright side, it hasn't even been one month since we ended. Give me more time alright?)

Heartily know, when half-gods go, the gods arrive.

Honey Bunny

2007-03-12T16:54:00.000+08:00

It would have been our third month today if we were still together.

Together; (definition taken from Dictionary.com)

1. into or in one gathering, company, mass, place, or body: to call the people together.

2. into or in union, proximity, contact, or collision, as two or more things: to sew things together.

3. into or in relationship, association, business, or agreement, etc., as two or more persons: to bring strangers together.

4. taken or considered collectively or conjointly: This one cost more than all the others together.

5. (of a single thing) into or in a condition of unity, compactness, or coherence: to squeeze a thing together; The argument does not hold together well.

6. at the same time; simultaneously: You cannot have both together.

7. without intermission or interruption; continuously; uninterruptedly: for days together.

8. in cooperation; with united action; conjointly: to undertake a task together.

9. with mutual action; mutually; reciprocally: to confer together; to multiply two numbers together.

It takes two. We were together for eighty-one days.

It takes two to be one.

The walking epitome of emptiness. I'm hollow inside. It's an inexplicable feeling. I can't say it's sadness, neither is it depression.

The closest word would be lethargy.

I need to go back to reading to watching to listening to laughing to smiling to going to thinking (not of bad things of course silly) to being to befriending to just being to just being to just being me.

I'm not me when there's him. I'm still not me when he's not there.

He graduates from Basic Military Training tomorrow if I didn't remember wrongly. I need to live past this period of time with dates of what we have planned previously. Time is what I need. Because everything I see still reminds me of us. I dread going home each time I'm out. I dread seeing the void deck of my block of flats, I dread walking through the corridor, I dread taking buses, trains, dread seeing motorbicycles, I dread remembering, because then the unsettling lethargy just sets in. It simply sets in, it attacks me from within until it reaches the layer beneath the skin, and it seeps out from the pores, the way poisonous gases always seem to be able to permeate through cracks in the walls, and the lethargy hangs around for a large part of time and I find that I am totally ruined by it.

I know I will get past this in due time. I love my friends! :D And I love retail therapy! :)

Exfoliation

On My Way Home

Dear Slumberous Kingdom,

Hello Slumberous World (that has left me behind)

Roald Dahl

I hope this isn't too late

A part apart.

right...

Don't call me a Stalker

teeheehee

Maybe this is how the world works

Slacker Post!

I Thank the Very First Person Who Decided to Blog.

People in Life III

They keep going, but they'll come back.

Happy Valentine's Day!

新年快乐!

Today.

Come on, let's get a move on.

Hello Post Exams World!

I Have Powers to Predict the Future

Another Day Over, Another Year Older.

come undone in the sun

*Slaps forehead*

I Scored One.

For The Greater Good

This is Heat like I've Never Known It.

Dear Friend,

I Simply MUST DO This.

Things You Didn't Know about Your Friends...

Screwit.

Stark Moments

Softly Now.

Rantings of a Retard

It's Almost Christmas Time!

A Fool Spent from Defiance

The End of All Things Big and the Start of All Things Bigger.

Does My Brain Still Belong to Me?

The Superhero Chronicles

Don't Stop Us Now.

Alien Abduction

Blue Monday.

Such is the Bittersweet Life.

Life through Speckled Lens

Not Old Enough to Grow Up.

The Weekender's Promise.

When I Stare at Daniel Craig All Day.

Sometimes We Learn, Sometimes We can Never Get it Right.

I Wouldn't Know Until I Have Tried.

How We Sometimes are like Stars, or Something Along the Lines of Realisation.

I Lick My Teeth.

Abundant Growth of Lalang

Sick Sad Little World.

Honestly people, Honesty.

Curiousity Killed Who?

High on Air

Maybe the Moon can see Me.

Hi Paps!

Peppercorn Mourn.

A Hundred Days and Ninety-Nine Nights.

Oh, turd.

In (Lesser) Memoriam

We Learn. Every Day.

Your Voice Sounds Hoarse

Indulge me la.

My Heart, Like Chocolate, Melts Easily.

Speeding down Failure Avenue.

XIIV

MediBiotics

Of Classes of Life Forms.

You Must Be Me, Me In Mirrorland.

When Bessie Barges In, I Know it's Time to Sleep.

This is When I Suddenly Realise.

Sick Sad Little World.

I've Got the Dreamer's Disease.

Of Jolly and Folly

King of Kings, Queen of Queens

Cold Clothes.

Insolent Involuntary Insomnia

Bleed Heart, Bleed.

Slaps forehead